Thanks to everyone who submitted their punch lists. While there was some overlap, I was staggered by the variety of tasty peeves that exist, and heartened by the ginormous community of kindred malcontents. I might steal some ideas from these lists for future posts and always feel free to send in one or many things you want to punch in the face. I’m glad to showcase your many irritations.
Anyway, onto shooting fish in a barrel…
I watch the Real Housewives of New York City. In fact, I’ve updated the game of “Fuck-Marry-Kill” and instead, play “Maim-Torture-Kill” when watching this hot mess of designer insane. The crazy-eyed queen of RHONY is Ramona Singer, who after 17 years of marriage to Mario, has decided to renew her vows as part of her “renewal” theme this season. (While I know she’s using this catchphrase to hawk her Tru Renewal face cream, it instead makes me think of Logan’s Run. I really wish she’d go to Carousel and get zapped with the kind of laser that kills rather than treats broken capillaries. Needless to say, she often gets my “kill” shot.)
Anyway…the renewal of their wedding vows is irking me more than Simon’s red vinyl pants. A wedding is supposed to be a once-in-a-lifetime event. Doing it twice with the same person is just self-indulgent and frankly gross. Renewing your vows is antithetical to what the original vows are: vows. You don’t need to make them again. The original vows didn’t expire.
And renewing them is no guarantee. They have the smell of “jump the shark” desperation on them. Jon and Kate got hair plugs and a fresh baby bird haircut, respectively, when they renewed their vows in Hawaii, and we all know how well that turned out.
Or maybe all is right in your married world, and you just want to do something with that closetful of money. Here’s an idea: Throw a party, give a toast, but don’t fucking call in an officiant and don’t wear white. The gig is up. Maybe I’m reading too much into the folks who thought the wedding was so nice, they did it twice. Perhaps renewing your vows is nothing more than an excuse for dreckitude hair. Heidi Klum went with cornrows; Celine Dion went with a “Cleopatra meets Ann Boleyn by way of Valley of the Dolls” look. Last time I checked, Halloween and your wedding day are not interchangeable, unless maybe you’re Elvira.
Tell your spouse how much you love him or her, save the catering fee, and don't ask me to be a bridesmaid again, or else I'm going to have to renew my commitment to punching you in the face. Isn't a fist sandwich the appropriate gift for a 17th anniversary? No? It is now.
(photo: http://bit.ly/15GdIy, guardian.co.uk)
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7 comments:
For our 10th wedding anniversary, my husband and I are planning the elopement we always wanted. We're going to Vegas, just the two of us, and getting re-married by Fat Elvis with as many rhinestones as possible. I plan to wear something totally tasteless, and after the ceremony, we plan to get sloppy drunk. I think that is acceptable for a vow renewal...but maybe not?
i agree with just having a party but some of us had to put on a traditional wedding for the folks and be all catholic...and were 3 month pregnant when we were hitched AND our honeymoon was in Amsterdam. i deserve the renewal for my personal bad planning. :)
I was always under the impression that renewing one's vows was simply a way to say "look how far we made it and we're still in love!" My best friend's parents did it at 30 years. My parents want to do *something* at 40 years (3 years from now). THAT's when you really get to celebrate and "renew." Plus, it was important for them (my friend's parents, and my parents too) for their children - all of us adults now - to hear what they professed to each other way back when. And I think they also wanted to show my generation that these marriages really are for forever. But there's no white gown and bridesmaids, and all that stuff. It's really just a BIG, BIG anniversary party. (I also thought that it was really sweet that the priest who officiated at my friend's parent's renewal was the same priest who married them the first time around.)
I think it's a terrible statement about what marriage is and means now, that these milestone celebrations take place at 8 or 4 or 17 years. They're not really milestones in my book. Not of the vow-renewal sort, anyway.
So why not just have a big anniversary party,invite all your friends, and leave your original wedding photo book out on the table for those who want to get nostalgic? Unless your marriage was a limited-term contract, the hokum and flummery of "renewing vows" is superfluous and, well, lame.
In the eyes of God and all mankind, you must get married only once unless your spouse dies. But we can really renew our vows as long as we can. My husband and I have been married for 15 years now, and every 5 years we are renewing our vows with each other. The last one was last month during our 15th wedding anniversary. We renewed our vows in Sonoma. Canopy , candles and just a few guests were there to witness our renewing of vows.
I really loved the concept of wedding renewal. Well, I want to surprise my husband by giving him a renewal party and looking for the location for vows. Do you have any idea about perfect venues?
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