Friday, April 16, 2010

Stephen's punch list

  1. Ayn Rand fans who self-identify with John Galt. Go ahead, dude, strike. I’m sure the rest of us will be brought to our knees if you are not in your cubicle doing the earth-moving work you do each day.
  2. Ticks. God, but I hate you bastards. I don’t fear you, nor am I creeped out by you. I just hate you. If you don’t want to die a miserable death by water or fire, stay the hell off my dog.
  3. Harley Davidson riders. Could anything be more boring than a gray-haired, fat, white guy on a Harley? I would love to ignore the parade of identically leather clad “rebels” passing through my picturesque small town each summer, but since they insist on removing the mufflers from their bikes, I can’t. I often wish for a massive twister to strike Sturgis in August.
  4. Radio station Hummers. Dear Radio Station Owner, I wish I could tell you how much the sight of your lime green and orange Hummer in the parking lot of the Kwick Trip handing out free cans of Rockstar guarantees that I will never tune my radio to Classic Rock 92.9.
  5. Camouflage clothing when not hunting or waging war. This clothing works really well for concealment from white-tailed deer or the Vietcong, but wearing it out to dinner just makes you look like a drooling jackass. I understand that you paid good money for that Mossy Oak jacket, but leave it at home when venturing out of the forest or combat zone. I won’t wear my tuxedo to your tree stand; don’t wear your camo pants to my wedding.
  6. Peeing Calvin stickers. It may say something about where I live that these stickers are still commonly seen, usually with Calvin peeing on the words “Gun Control” or “Atheists.” I would buy a sticker of Calvin peeing on a car with a peeing Calvin sticker.
  7. That space between the sink and the backsplash. Why is there a disgusting trough here? Do others enjoy the science experiment-type collection of food, soap scum, and other gnarl that inevitably collects in this space? I’m assuming the answer to that question is no, and yet this space is found in nearly every house in America. What gives?
  8. California. It’s over between us. I used to think you were really cool, but lately I just want to get as far away from you as I can. I can’t turn on the radio without hearing about your weather or your governor or your economic meltdown or your stupid brush fires. Frankly, you’re getting a little creepy. If I could take out a restraining order on a state, I would.
  9. Sharing food at Asian restaurants. I like Asian food. I wish I had a great big plate of it in front of me right now. Specifically, I would like a plate of shrimp in black bean sauce. And I would like to eat all of it, without having to share with my tablemates. How did this trend get started and why is it obsequious? Is it because some Asian countries are communist? Japan isn’t communist, so why are you digging your mitts in my rainbow roll? How about you order what you want, and I’ll order what I want.
  10. The cat that sits on my back porch and just stares. Please go away.


Fanboy Wife said...

I see way too many of those Calvin taking a wiz stickers too.

Skitzo Leezra Studio said...

The Calvin stickers once irked me to no end because the artist did not create it and it is a blatant rip-off but have become more tolerant because now I employ them to distinguish the idiots on the road just as Ed Hardy shirts act as douche bag signals.