Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Amanda's punch list

Amanda writes the blog Something in the Water.
  1. Breastfeeding. Look, I know it's the healthiest for my kid and all, but I hate it. My boobs turn themselves on and off like faucets. I have a general damp feeling across my chest at all times. It's socially awkward. I smell funny because of it. And my kid does this thing where she will arch her back and pop herself off my boob without breaking suction…and then latch right back on. Over. And over. And over. It's like getting multiple purple nurples in a row. Sometimes my nurples DO turn purple and that's just wrong.
  2. Breastfeeding advocates who make you feel guilty about giving your kid formula. Isn't what I feed my child my business? It's not like I'm giving her poison…it's baby formula. And sometimes I just can't handle being chewed on anymore, okay?
  3. People who are rude or dismissive to waitstaff at restaurants, hotels, stores, etc. I know you think you're better, but you've just proven you have no class. Fuck off.
  4. People who think smoking weed is "like the coolest thing ever, man," and go around talking about their chronic and have pot leaf clothing or hats or tattoos. If you want to smoke weed, just smoke the damn stuff…it doesn't have to be such a big deal. Stop acting like an idiot about it.
  5. Fanatics of any kind.
  6. People who look at me strangely because I have tattoos and a baby. The two are not mutually exclusive, people. Weirdos breed, too.
  7. Black bath towels. They leave weird fuzz all over everything.
  8. People who give me a hard time about smoking cigarettes. I already know it's not healthy. If you tell me one more freaking time how many minutes each cigarette takes off of my life, I'll do the math on that Big Mac you're shoving into your face.
  9. Medical professionals who WILL NOT LISTEN TO YOU. I know you have gone to school for a zillion years and all that, but if I tell you something is wrong, then SOMETHING IS WRONG. I don't care what your little gadgets tell you.
  10. People who leave more space than necessary between cars when parking on the street, turning what could be a five-car stretch of parking spaces into a three-car stretch. If you need a five-foot gap between your car and the car in front of you in order to get out later, you have absolutely no business driving a vehicle at all.
An e-mail followed shortly after the top 10 list arrived. It read, “I forgot to add Will Ferrell. I hate that guy.”


(photo: impactlab.com)

5 comments:

The Drunken Gnome said...

I don't know shit about breastfeeding, but I'm glad you said something against it being a breastfeeding mom. Most breastfeeding moms are all touchy about the subject. There was quite the debate over Pheobe's punch list because she said she doesn't want to see people breastfeeding in public uncovered. Everyone can have an opinion on whatever they want.
I'd have to partly disagree about the black bath towels only because I have them. They only leave fuzz until they've been washed twice. At least the cheap ones I got from Target anyways. I bet the expensive ones don't. BTW, I thought you hated grey bath towels?

lw said...

Not to say you have to go on breastfeeding, but if you put your finger by the side of your nipple, you can break suction before the baby pulls back. It only takes two or three repetitions before the baby gives up the practice. This also works for biting. Break suction as soon as they bite, and it only takes a few repetitions before the little ones get it.

Glass Houses said...

I don't understand people who breastfeed in public or at social gatherings uncovered. And I'm a breastfeeding mom. It's embarrassing to ME, let alone everyone else. And it's not that hard to go in another room or use a blanket. (Okay, the blanket thing is a little tricky, and I haven't mastered it yet, but I'm thinking the key is flannel. Any other fabric I end up throwing over MY OWN head as well as the baby's, so I can see what I'm doing when I have to fiddle around under there.)

Fanboy Wife said...

I hate Will Ferrell too. Ugh...

Harmonie said...

Number six. Awesome.