Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Jon & Kate

Here are the top 8 reasons why these two—either separately or together—need to jump on an ATV and go deep into the woods of Pennsylvania, never to return.

8. Ed Hardy clothes. Tattoos belong on the skin, not on daddy’s hoodie.

7. Kate’s last nerve. She’s always on it, I’m always over it.

6. Jon’s somnambulant demeanor. Are you walking off a bender? Did you pull an all-nighter at a college sports bar? Are your biorhythms at a low point? Lacking electrolytes? Zombie? Throw back some coffee or Gatorade, eat some brains, and look alert.

5. Matching kids’ clothing. You dress all your kids—sextuplets and twins alike—to match. Are they on a team and need a uniform? Is it your way of tagging and herding them? I wonder at what age the multiple personality disorder will start to kick in when one of them actually wants to carve out an identity.

4. Kids as billboards. If your kids aren't Oilily-ed out, you’ve got them wearing t-shirts promoting the Crooked Houses that are currently being assembled on the show or some other swag you got for free.

3. Media attention. For Christ’s sake, can the paparazzi get back to their job of stalking Lindsay and Britney and those no-talent bitches on The Hills? Baby needs to know what baby-doll dresses are in this season!

2. “I didn’t sign up for this.” Yeah, you did. TLC has a signed contract that it would be happy to show you, if Hannah happened to spill her sippy cup of apple juice all over yours.

1. Kate’s hair. Duh. Hair should attract the eye, but not from the skies. A 'do should not double as a nest for fledgling owlets or goslings, but maybe that’s just me.

(photo: gosselingossip.com)
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12 comments:

Mea said...

Yes, Yes, and a million times YES!!! You are exactly right about these people.

becca.elpy said...

Wow, haha! Love the full-on snark you've got going on with this blog. Cathartic, no?

And I totally want to punch them in the face...and I don't even have cable. I feel so bad for the kids. THEY didn't sign up for this.

KlevaBich said...

No, it ain't just you. That hair of hers makes me want to grab the hedge clippers.

WTF is that mess supposed to be? Could she not decide on a hairstyle, so chose a combination of three of them?

You'd think she could afford something better than Supercuts. I'm just sayin.'

Talia Davis said...

I ♥ this post... Oh yes I do...

SwinginMartinisDesigns said...

Thank you.


Does anyone else think it's awesome that as I type this comment, there is an ad for an Ed Hardy Clothing Sale. Thank you google, thank you.

Jennifer Worick said...

SwinginMartinisDesigns: That is truly awesome. I love it when crap I'm dissing on shows up as an ad. God bless the googlebots.

Cele said...

I'm right behind you in the punch-em line!

mermayd said...

do it quick! i will grab kate by that...hair...so you can really give it to her

Michaela said...

This post is killing me. I have never seen the show, or watched these people but I am grocery-store-check-out-line familiar and LOVED your smack down. "Baby wants to know what Baby-doll..." Hilarious.

priti.lisa said...

you are quite possibly the funniest curmudgeon ever.
About the seat belt thing? I put on my seatbelt BEFORE I put on my bra...
it works and thrills the neighbors!

mduette said...

LOL #1 is my favorite. From the skies, indeed. Funny you mentioned goslings, too..isn't their last name Gosselin? :P

alex said...
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