Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Phoebe’s punch list

[Editor's note: TIWTPITF really doesn't agree with #8, although santimommies are another story.]
  1. The teenage comb-over. When the Ramones were rocking the bowl cut, they did it well and they did it properly and it looked like it was supposed to look: tough and ugly. This parted-someplace-near-the-back-and-off-to-the-side-with-swoopy-bitch-bangs bullshit just makes you look stupid. No one would ever be afraid of Justin Beiber, but when the Clash first met the Ramones, Joe Strummer was afraid they might beat him up…because they looked like BAD-ASSES, not jackasses.
  2. The fro-hawk and the new urban-punkness. Now, while I also hate all of the bad stereotypes that the "standard" "urban" "fashion" perpetuates (the saggy pants belted below the ass with the athletic shorts AND boxers hanging out the top, the 3XL white undershirt-as-outshirt—even though you weigh 87 pounds, the Timberlands in the summertime, the oversized baseball caps at jaunty angles, the bandanas, the bling…) I really feel the need to knock out the new black teenagers and their fro-hawks, too-tight purple/pink/yellow/etc. jeans, horrible multi-neon-colored Nike high-tops, and other various things I was wearing 25 years ago that looked brutally awful then. And I did not list this as a racial thing...It's just that when the African-American set does it, I kinda want to punch them in the face. When white kids do it…I actually want to run them over with my car. Repeatedly. (And if I ever see a white kid with a fro-hawk, I just might).
  3. Juxtapoz and high-fructose "art" magazines and their multi-year-long obsessions with stylized,wide-eyed lady paintings and "realistic" kooky-monster paintings. I'm over it. Sas Christian and Lori Earley can suck my fist. I am not impressed with your ability to "realistically" paint wacky little monsters, people. Wacky little monsters don't exist. No one can tell you you're doing it wrong and therefore you don't actually have to have any goddamned talent! Can we please get back to something interesting?
  4. Smart cars. They're fucking stupid. They look stupid. The price is stupid. The not-that-much-environmentally-soundness is stupid. The lack-of-safety is stupid. Stupid cars.
  5. Ground-control-to-major-nerd bluetooth earpieces. Seriously, fat, sloppy, clearly unemployed trashpile-in-the-discount-grocery-store-in-the-middle-of-the-workday? Seriously? You're really THAT busy makin' deals that you need your fucking dork-ass earpiece in while you shop for store-brand baby food and Ho-Hos? Go get a job.
  6. Skinny jeans tucked into tall boots. Way to accentuate your ass and make it look huge even if it's not. Good job, whore. Honestly, I love skinny jeans. I think flares might actually be the MOST unflattering type of lower-wear. I grew up a punk kid. I have always been down with the skinny jean. But god damn, when you yank your skanky Uggs or moccasins or hooker boots or whatever the hell up OVER those things, it just makes your knees look knocked and your ass look like a planet.
  7. People who think that they can touch you or talk to you because you have tattoos. Motherfucker, get your hand off my arm—my tattoos are not 3D. and don't say "tat" or "ink" to me. You WILL get knocked out. Yes, I have tattoos. No, I do not know (or care) how many. No, you cannot see them. No, there is no deep fucking Miami/LA Ink storyline to go with them all. and most importantly... NO! I do not want to see, nor do I have even the remotest interest whatsoever in, your Taz/blown-out green tiger/kid's name on your neck/butterfly on your shoulder/tribal tramp stamp/grim reaper/eagle wearing an indian head dress/whatever the fuck. Keep that shit to yourself, get your hands off me, and leave me alone!
  8. Pregnant women and women who breastfeed in public, or even in a private home but in front of the whole family. If you are pregnant, I'm sorry. I know you're on your way to never again having a life of your own, but I don't want to talk about your pre-natal vitamins, your name ideas, your cravings. And if you've already popped that shit out, cover your own saggy shit up. If my sister-in-law's withered tit makes one more appearance at a family function, I'm going to take my own top off.
  9. Melt Bar and Grilled, in Cleveland, Ohio. Theme restaurants can eat a dick. Fancy grilled cheese really is not that interesting, and it's certainly not worth around fifteen bucks. Nor do I have one to two hours the surly host informed me I'll have to wait until I can sit down to order said overpriced grilled cheese. Or the additional hour it will take once I sit down to GET it. If you're going to have a stupid-ass restaurant based around the theme of turning a simple, everyday food into something "gourmet," at least have the fucking kitchen size and cook staff to pull it off. One little griddle ain't cuttin' it.
  10. Soul patches [Editor's note: TIWTPITF covered flavor savers last June], goatees, and other various should-have-left-them-in-the-90s-where-they-belong facial hair decisions. While the hipster beard and the ironic 'stache also infuriate me, these busted old styles make me feel like i'm stuck in an East Coast film school circa 1994 and that is NOT where I want to be. Yuck. Go shave that shit, you stupid pile of douche.

Thank you. I feel so much better now.

(photo: mymodernmet.com)

18 comments:

mama2422 said...

Breastfeeding mothers should be able to feed their children wherever and whenever they want to. It's not about "the tit". It's about providing nourishment for a baby. If you have a problem with it, stop staring.

Julie said...

I totally agree with mama2422. If you don't want to see it put a blanket over your head. It is the most natural thing in the world.

Jodi said...

Yep, I agree with the above two comments. Look away, if it is so upsetting to you. No breastfeeding mother is "whipping out a tit" to impress or embarrass you, but rather to FEED HER CHILD. It's that simple, lady. Sheesh,you made yourself look like a total and complete ass. :)

noraolsen said...

I agree that breastfeeding serves a purpose (at least for a little while), but I'm going to have to lend a little support to Phoebe here. I am by no means a prude, but there are way too many women that aren't discreet about feeding their brood. You aren’t working miracles here, just get on with it. You set the kid’s schedule, you know when the kid needs tit, plan accordingly. I personally would have punched the mothers that breastfeed until the kid is old enough to ask for it by name as opposed to breastfeeders in general, but that’s neither here nor there.

phoebe marie said...

i think there are ways to feed one's spawn in public that do not have to encroach on other people's comfort. and it's funny that julie suggests putting a blanket over one's head - because that is EXACTLY what a mother i know and respect does with her CHILD when she mis-plans and the thing has to eat in a public place or even at a private family function - she lets the kid do so, while covering herself and the baby's head with a baby blanket. and i appreciate her thoughtfulness to no end. because as "natural" as it is, it's still awkward and gross to a LOT of people. (and while i also realize that i find children and everything about them awkward and gross, i am by NO means the only "complete and total ass" out there who feels this way about public breastfeeding. or breeding in general.)

erin said...

it doesn't even make sense to call someone an ass because they don't like something. people will never agree on everything -- and rightfully so, because the world would be boring as FUCK. deal with it. which leads me to believe that the ass here is definitely not phoebe...

Lacey said...

I thought this blog in general was about things the author doesn't like/hates, etc. And plenty of peopel have been submitting their "punch" lists. Phoebe has every right to want to "punch" what she wants to punch. I think people are being waaaaay too sensitive.

Jennifer Worick said...

Lacey: I agree but this is nothing. If you want to see sensitive, check out the comments on the Recumbent Bikes debacle of 09: http://thingsiwanttopunchintheface.blogspot.com/2009/06/punch-bowl-winners-circle-recumbent.html

Jodi said...

Oh Phoebe, my apologies. I didn't realize (duh, it's not like we know each other!) that you find everything about children "awkward and gross". Well, then of course you would find a mother breastfeeding her "spawn" awkward and gross. I have never in my life encountered someone who truly felt like that. But I live in an area of the country where breastfeeding is encouraged and supported - *gasp* it's even LEGAL to breastfeed anywhere in public! Again, I'm so sorry if I hurt your feelings. :)

PS. I live in Washington state - we have VERY high breastfeeding rates you might want to avoid it all costs!

phoebe marie said...

jodi...
ok, if you want to be a bitch about it, i can go there, too!
first of all, there are only six states where it is NOT legal to breast feed in public. so washington is not so terribly special - and i actually used to live there (and spent time with a nursing friend there who still covered it up when she was breast feeding). in ohio, where i live, not only is it legal to breast feed in public - but it's legal for me to be out in the world NOT breast feeding... just out there topless, as a woman, because i want to be. not that i ever would. but i could if i wanted to.
secondly, you follow a blog that is about things someone hates. and i take it this is all acceptable to you until suddenly something you do NOT also hate shows up. such as this. how hypocritical you are and how quick to jump to bitchiness cloaked in "clever" sarcasm.
no, i do not know you, not that i feel my life is lacking because of this. but if i actually hurt your feelings, or those of people i DO know and love, then i honestly, all cunty sarcasm aside, apologize. but this is, for the love of god, a FUCKING HUMOR BLOG!!!! get a sense of humor or watch dr. phil. if the fact that a complete stranger dislikes babies and breast feeding really makes you get all nasty, you could probably USE a little bit of that quack's help.
honestly though... here's one thing i know for a fact: people's opinions aren't worth a thing. but that does not make yours any more or any less valid than mine. i was being funny. get a clue.
and yeah - i still think babies and breeding and all things surrounding them are awkward and gross. and thankfully, in all 50 states, believing that is legal.
perhaps i should have been more clear and said that i wish that, given the opportunity to NOT flaunt it and purposelu and knowingly make others uncomfortable, breast feeding mothers would take said opportunity. but it's the people, i'm presuming like YOU, who say "yes, i could go over to a less populated part of the airport/restuarant/bus/sidewalk and feed my child, but fuck you - i'm going to do it right across from you. AND your conservative, 92 year old british grandmother who is desperately embarrassed to be in close proximity to such a thing even though she raised 12 kids of her own, and also your 13 year old son, who only sees TITTIES in his face..." THAT is the kind of shit that bothers me. sorry if i was not more clear in my 4 sentence HUMOROUS list entry. if people want to have children, that's their choice. if they choose to time it so they have to feed their offspring in ruby tuesday's while i'm trying to enjoy my salad bar, that's also their choice. and legally, they can do it. and if i CHOOSE to motherfuck it on the internet, well that's my choice. and legally, i can do that, too.
so, stuff your sarcasm up your bitchy twat, you hag. and i'm sorry if i hurt YOUR feelings, too.
:* <--- (sarcastic kissy face)

Lyn said...

Babies are hungry when they are hungry and expecting a mom to be able to "schedule" breastfeeding, so people don't feel uncomfortable is ridiculous. What I'D like to punch in the face is this country's over- obsession with breasts as sexual objects and not the feeding system they were designed to be.

Jodi said...

Wow, slow your roll, there Phoebes! I seriously was apologizing if I hurt your feelings and was trying (and failing apparently!) to be light-hearted about it. LOL - I have never engaged in ANY kid of online debate - if that is what we have going on here....I re-read my original comment and the only thing that looks any more offensive than the previous two posters was the looking like a "complete and total ass" comment.

It was wrong of me - you're right this is a blog about venting and a funny one at that. I should not have gone there and I am ashamed that I was the first one to fling an insult. (Although *high five* to the stuffing my sarcasm in my bitchy twat! That made me seriously laugh out loud!!!!)

That's really cool that you are so well versed in the breastfeeding laws in your states and around the nation. Good for you and good for Ohio for being so forward thinking with women's rights.

In my second comment, I was honestly saying that your position made a lot more sense to me when you said you find all things about babies gross. Seriously, no sarcasm, it was attempt at making nice. And by your last comment it is clear that I failed at that, eh?

All I can say is I have never, ever intentionally breastfed in front of anyone with the intention of purposefully embarrassing anyone or making someone uncomfortable. It has only been to nourish a baby. Plain and simple. I realize that you may have encountered women who set out to make people squirm and cloak it by breastfeeding, but I have never known anyone to do that.

My feelings were never hurt, though I appreciate your apology. I was angered at first but your, um...reminder that this is a humorous blog and I will attempt to get a FUCKING SENSE OF HUMOR. But I draw the line at watching Dr. Phil, sorry I just cannot abide that fool. Plus, his show is on while my daughters are awake and ew, I definitely do not want them to watch that shit! <---that is MY attempt at humor, let me know what you think and don't hold back. ;)

So yeah, I'm cool if you are. Again, sorry if I've been an sarcastic twat (still cracking up over that and filing it away for later use). I probably won't comment on your post again. You've made it perfectly clear how much you love me. <---*that* was sarcasm.

Meh, I was going to go on to commiserate about the stuff I agree with on your list, but that just seems like ass-kissing and totally desperate, right?

phoebe marie said...

hahahahaHAAAAA!

oh, jodi. i think i love you, now. especially since you took my big-bad-bitch response so well! maybe, since people get their panties in such a twist over this issue, i just immediately assumed you were being mean - as meanness is all i've encountered (and i was honestly feeling a little "ouch" over the fact that out of ALL these punch lists, i was the only one to get called an ass for one of my list items).
babies do creep me out. it's true, though as more of my amazing friends and family members ave them and i'm pushed into contact with the little creepies more and more, i'm, you know, warming up as best as i can. (i am aware, after all, that i was a germ-y little liquid-factory myself, once, too.)
this blog cracks me up. the comments usually crack me up, too. so my defenses were definitely up when i got the smack not only here, but from friends/women i love when i posted a link on facebook. i do my best to be a good person and be supportive of people and their choices, but i am definitely also a bitchy wise-ass, and sometimes forget that other people's feelings get hurt just as easily as my own do.

so, uh, yeah. no sarcasm. apologies tendered and accepted. glad you don't let your kids watch dr. phil (clearly you ARE a good parent!) yadda yadda.

should we go have a beer next time i'm in washington? i'll keep my top on if you do.

Jodi said...

Beers it is.

And do people really just come up and touch your tattoos? That would set me right the fuck off. Weirdos.

I'm also delighted to see that you love Disney inspired tats as much as I do. Almost as much as I love adult women (or men for that matter) wearing cartoon character clothes. Where the fuck does one purchase a XXX Looney Toones denim jacket anyway?

phoebe marie said...

ha! honestly?! no shit. here's a list... "things that should not be produced, by anyone, for any reason, ever":
#1: disney clothing items over the size of 3T.
#2: harley davidson merchandise UNDER the size of 3XL.

...etc.

i'd go on, but clearly, with my day's track record, i'll just piss off someone else. judging by jennifer's comment above, maybe i should just round my day out by shit-talking recumbent bikes, as that will clearly have me more hated than anyone who is afraid of babies. (that entry and it's comments were AMAZING!)

and yes. people really do just assume it's ok to touch me because i'm tattooed. and not like, a pat on the arm, but like a full on wrist to shoulder grope. dude, i barely want me HUSBAND to rub me like that... get off! yuck.

and, as i was discussing this whole thing with a girlfriend of mine today (who is equally creeped out by being confronted by breast feeding, even by her own sister...), and i realized that while i hate being pestered about my tattoos, i also am aware that to certain people and in certain situations, they appear confrontational or even just plain inappropriate, and so, even though i love them and they are a natural part of me and who i am, i will and do cover them up when necessary. when i was younger, i did not get that, but as i've aged... i get it. my granny would have fainted if i had, say, shown up to a D.A.R. meeting in a low cut tank top, tattoos a-blazin'. but out of respect for the fancy ladies that mostly lake up that group, it's something that i just wouldn't do (no matter how much it would secretly please me to make the stodgy squirm) because it's just not fair to them.

oo, i do go on, don't i?

anyhow - got any other ideas for the "don't make these things" list? i bet we could come up with a whole walmart full of shit people need to quit producing...

Fanboy Wife said...

I like the term “teenage comb-over.” I see it all the time, and I’ve never been able to articulate my dislike for it so eloquently.

The Drunken Gnome said...

All I have to say is, I love you Phoebe!

Mo said...

I'm from Cleveland. Melt does, in fact, suck. Fucking 2 hours for a grilled cheese sandwich. And let me tell you, the attitude from some of the waitstaff? Yeah. They can shove it up their ass.