Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Rhonda's punch list

Rhonda writes the blog [Insert Witty Blog Title Here]. Check it.

  1. Overzealous toilets. Seriously, do I LOOK like I want that nastiness splashed on me? It's bad enough to be using a public restroom at all, ever, and I know that the super-flush is a cleanliness thing, but good grief! The backsplash is disgusting. I've taken to opening the stall door first, kicking the flusher handle, and running. I'd rather have dirty looks from strangers than dirty clothes from toilet spray.
  2. Parents who make excuses for their children. Bad behavior is bad behavior, regardless of how they slept, what they ate, who they visited recently, or whatever cockamamie excuse you've got up your sleeve this time. I have to behave appropriately despite the weather, my sleeping patterns, heartburn, etc. Teach your kid to do the same!
  3. People who think making good choices is equal to being lucky. Hate to break it to ya, buddy, but we're all lucky, if you consider forethought, preparation, and perseverance luck.
  4. Grammatical errors made by others. I can NOT ignore them. They stand out to me as though they were backlit by the lights from the Vegas strip. I want to fix them, but more so, I want to tie the offender to a chair and force them to watch episodes of Schoolhouse Rock for a month. And if that doesn't work, I'd like to force them into a literary form of castration: no writing utensils, be they manual or electronic, until they beg for forgiveness and promise to allow me to proofread their stuff forever after.
  5. Grammatical errors made by myself. This is even worse than #4. For some strange reason, I CAN ignore these...for days, weeks, even months on end. No amount of proofreading, whether before or after my work is published, can make me aware of the stupidity of my mistakes. When they do come out of hiding, and finally reveal themselves to me, I want to EXPLODE with rage, because I KNOW I checked it. I checked it a dozen times! Where did that come from?!?
  6. Dust. I dust the coffee table, TV, end tables, office credenza and bedroom dresser. Ah, now I can relax, right? WRONG! Just as I'm putting my feet up on the coffee table, SURPRISE! It's dust, and it's back for more fun! How, oh how, can it return so quickly? Grrr, it just makes me want to block out all possible streams of sunlight and bask in the glow of dust-concealing artificial lighting.
  7. Double-agent shoes. They're beautiful, and in the shoe store, they couldn't feel more comfortable. Purchase them, take them home, pick out a super-cute outfit for them, and you're out the door for a great day! The drive to work is great, you know that as you step out of your car, everyone in that parking lot is going to be thinking what great taste you have. Step step, I'm gorgeous! Step, step, I love it! Step, step, what's wrong with my toe? Step, step, oh no. Step, step, I'm not even inside the building yet! Step, step, ouch, ouch. Step, step, this is gonna be a long day.
  8. Bar soap. Do I really have to elaborate on this one? It's just ridiculous, I tell you. How in the world do people not get the willies every time they see that slimy bar of foulness sitting by the sink? Sure, I'll use it. And then I'll head straight to your kitchen to see if you've got some drain cleaner I can rub on my hands to do the job right.
  9. Dirty houses. Your house is a mess, and you know it. I'm not talking about a pile of unopened mail, kids' toys left all over the floor or even laundry that needs to be folded. No, that's just clutter. I'm talking about straight up, no-way-around-it, filth. If you have bugs and rodents that don't even pretend to scurry away in your presence, that's a problem. Don't offer for me to sit down, I don't want to have to burn this outfit. Oh, and when I try valiantly to suppress that mid-conversation gag because of the overpowering stench coming from the kitchen, take that as your cue to hire a maid service. Heck, I'd be happy to chip in, since they're likely to charge sky-high rates for being willing to forgo the bulldozer treatment. WORTH. EVERY. PENNY.
  10. Breaking weather alerts. There's nothing like siting down to watch your favorite show (on DVR, of course) and finding out it has been preempted because some podunk town on the other side of the state had a thunderstorm three nights ago. And guess what? Here's the best news of all! Don't worry, your show will continue in it's entirety right after this oh-so-urgent update. Thanks meteorologist Joe Interrupterson, why didn't you tell that to my DVR? And now, Susie McHillbilly has called in to tell us about the lightning she just saw. Great. Just great.
(photo: thelmagazine.com)

7 comments:

noraolsen said...

Excellent list, especially numbers 2 and 10! Maybe we can use horrible children to block us from overzealous toilet spray...

nata_says_so said...

Love the 'double-agent shoes' one. Awesome.

Rhonda said...

Thanks guys, I appreciate it!

Anonymous said...

Number 4: "cannot" not can not...

Although I get that you were trying to emphasize the NOT part...

Rhonda said...

Are you freaking kidding me?!? It's been over a YEAR and NOW I see the "canNOT" typo?? Aaaaarrrrrrgggghhhhhh!!!

Robert said...

Amen on the one about overzealous toilets. What's worse than that is the ones which have the electric eye feature which senses when you have decamped the throne. Some of those are set to "ultra-sensitive" so that even if you move a millimeter, you're rewarded by having a class V white-water rapids erupt under your ass. That's just super.

Robert said...

Amen on the overzealous toilet. What's worse than that is the toilets which employ the electric eye feature that automatically flushes once it senses you have decamped the throne. Some of those are set to "ultra-sensitive" so that if you move so much as a millimeter, you're rewarded with a Class V whitewater rapids exploding under your ass. That's always refreshing.