Wednesday, April 21, 2010

The drunken gnome's punch list

  1. People who don't have their priorities in order. For example, the mom who talks on her cell phone when shopping, while her child keeps telling her that they need to use the bathroom, and who tells them to wait because mommy needs to buy some earrings to wear to the bar tonight.
  2. People who can't handle real life. Don't complain to me about how hard your life is when you planned on having kids, a mortgage, a car payment, cable, a fancy new phone, and can't pay the bills or feed your family. Get a job or stop drinking at the bar every night. Shut the fuck up. We all have bills.
  3. People who party all night and then can't handle their responsibilities the next day. If you have a job to do, do it. That goes for professionals and stay-at-home moms/dads alike. (I guess the last three could all be one entry.)
  4. People who ask you a question but then interrupt you before you have a chance to finish answering. If you didn't care that much about the answer, don't waste my time and patience by asking me a question that was probably stupid to begin with.
  5. People who ask you a question and then argue with your answer. If you knew the answer, then don't ask. If you don't like the answer, knuckle sandwich.
  6. People who can't seem to do basic math. Don't ask me what 50% off $2.50 is if you don't want me to look at you like that. Or, don't look surprised when your total is way above what you wanted to spend. There's price stickers on everything; do the math!
  7. People who don't seem to know that there's tax on almost everything. Don't look surprised when the total isn't exactly the same as the sticker price.
  8. People who don't punctuate in texts, e-mails, and Facebook statuses. It doesn't take that much longer to add a period at the end of a sentence. If you can't figure it out on your phone, you are lazy or stupid. I'm probably going to skip right past what you wrote because I can't read what it anyway. If you want me to care about what you have to say, try harder.
  9. People who ask completely asinine questions and can't understand why I'm just staring at them instead of answering. My favorite one from the store I work in: "Is that real water in the fountain?"
  10. People who carry the reusable shopping totes but still want a plastic bag that they then stick in said shopping tote.
Can you tell I work in retail?



phoebe marie said...

maybe it's just because i know and love the drunken gnome... but i get the feeling that i know who some of these items might be directed at.
and also, hell yes. to all of it.

Jennifer Worick said...

I wish I knew and loved the Drunken Gnome. Everyone needs one in their life, or at least on their lawn.

The Drunken Gnome said...

Thanks Phoebe. There's a couple people that I/we know that would apply to some of these.

Fanboy Wife said...

I don't think I could work in retail because it would make me so me so infuriated.

CarlaCarlaCarlaCarla said...

All ten items on this punch list begin with People.

Dude, people are my pet peeve too!