Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Liz’s punch list

[TIWTPITF loves, loves, loves #3 and is pissed as hell I didn’t think of it first. And #1 is pretty awesome too. Okay, I'm cuckoo crazy for the whole fucking list.]

  1. Wedding websites. I know, they’re convenient for guests, an easy way to get your registry out, blah blah blah. I do not need to be treated to 1,500-word essay on “Our Proposal Story,” 60 blurry photos of your engagement ring, or a ticker counting down the days until Your Day. Don’t get me started on the people who continue to update their wedding page after the wedding is over.
  2. Gladiator sandals. Universally unflattering and stupid-looking.
  3. Jennifer Aniston’s hair. No, there is nothing really “wrong” with it, other than the fact that she probably spends a bazillion dollars to make it look exactly the same as it has since 1998.
  4. Women’s business “networking” events that forever include cupcakes, chocolate, mini-massages and cosmopolitans. I’d like to attend a women’s networking event with beer, chicken wings and lawn games like bean-bag toss.
  5. People with obnoxious ringtones. It’s not 2000 anymore—the “wacky” novelty of having “Jesse’s Girl” as your ringtone has seriously worn off, and I don’t want to hear that tinny refrain ringing endlessly at your desk while you aren’t there.
  6. People who put clearly “posed” pictures of themselves as their Facebook profile pictures, especially if they held the camera out and took the pictures themselves.
  7. Stupid “unique” spellings of kids’ names. Madysyn, Alleeah, Kaeyleigh, Braedynne, etc. If Microsoft Word underlines the name with a red “misspelling” line, you might want to rethink naming your kid that made-up stupid name.
  8. Nicholas Sparks' crappy, sappy, boring books and the women who love them. If one more person gushes about “OMG! These books are sooooo romantic,” they might be looking at a punch in the face.
  9. Precious Moments dolls. They creep me out, dude.
  10. Tacky decorations with sayings like “Live, Laugh, Love,” “Always Kiss Me Goodnight,” “All Because Two People Fell in Love,” “Believe,” etc. Blorf, not to mention the phrases lose a little of their sentimentality when you can buy that crap in the home d├ęcor aisle at Target.
(photo: harpersbazaar.com)

8 comments:

Sayschnicklefritz said...

This Liz person is my new hero.

Annette said...

best. list. yet.

TipsToToes said...

Agree with all of these, especially the last one. Love the expression blorf too.

Skitzo Leezra Studio said...

Cannot pick a fav - all dead on, Liz.
Not even gonna look up #8. I'm gonna trust ya that the author is not to be sampled.

Chris said...

Oh, man, I am SO SICK of the happy smooshy words like DREAM, HOPE, LOVE, LAUGH---shut UP already!!

I don't like Aniston's hair and never have. I don't get it.

Fanboy Wife said...

I know almost a dozen Michaelas, but all of them have different spellings. My "favorite" is "Mikalilia" because it doesn't sound a bit like it should be pronounced.

Lisa said...

Best list. #7 just kills me - and I have nieces named Madighan and Chaegnon. I'm totally going to name my kid Jane or Mary just so she can be different from the 35 "Makenzey"s and "Jaedenne"s in her class.

Anonymous said...

2: I love gladiator sandals :(
4: Go hang out with the boys then. I love my networking events, those yoga workshops fucking rock.