Friday, April 30, 2010

Dogs in bandannas

Is your dog sweating? Are you trying to catch stray kibble crumbs? Protect his back from a nasty sunburn? Cover up a bald patch like an aging rocker (sorry Bret Michaels)? Are you trying to brighten his complexion? Add a spot of color that complements his coat? Draw attention up and away from his ample girth?


Then untie that doggone neckerchief and let him be a dog. If you haven’t noticed, dogs come with built-in clothes called fur. The only accessory they need is a collar. Wrap them up in your love, not squares of cotton festooned with stars or pink ribbons or dancing bears. They don’t need a porn star neckerchief or a redneck bowtie or a bib or a little color to draw the eye up. You, on the other hand, are another story. May I suggest something in a shade of black or blue to match your muzzle after I punch you in the face?

Friday, April 23, 2010

Renewal of wedding vows

Thanks to everyone who submitted their punch lists. While there was some overlap, I was staggered by the variety of tasty peeves that exist, and heartened by the ginormous community of kindred malcontents. I might steal some ideas from these lists for future posts and always feel free to send in one or many things you want to punch in the face. I’m glad to showcase your many irritations.

Anyway, onto shooting fish in a barrel…

I watch the Real Housewives of New York City. In fact, I’ve updated the game of “Fuck-Marry-Kill” and instead, play “Maim-Torture-Kill” when watching this hot mess of designer insane. The crazy-eyed queen of RHONY is Ramona Singer, who after 17 years of marriage to Mario, has decided to renew her vows as part of her “renewal” theme this season. (While I know she’s using this catchphrase to hawk her Tru Renewal face cream, it instead makes me think of Logan’s Run. I really wish she’d go to Carousel and get zapped with the kind of laser that kills rather than treats broken capillaries. Needless to say, she often gets my “kill” shot.)

Anyway…the renewal of their wedding vows is irking me more than Simon’s red vinyl pants. A wedding is supposed to be a once-in-a-lifetime event. Doing it twice with the same person is just self-indulgent and frankly gross. Renewing your vows is antithetical to what the original vows are: vows. You don’t need to make them again. The original vows didn’t expire.

And renewing them is no guarantee. They have the smell of “jump the shark” desperation on them. Jon and Kate got hair plugs and a fresh baby bird haircut, respectively, when they renewed their vows in Hawaii, and we all know how well that turned out.

Or maybe all is right in your married world, and you just want to do something with that closetful of money. Here’s an idea: Throw a party, give a toast, but don’t fucking call in an officiant and don’t wear white. The gig is up. Maybe I’m reading too much into the folks who thought the wedding was so nice, they did it twice. Perhaps renewing your vows is nothing more than an excuse for dreckitude hair. Heidi Klum went with cornrows; Celine Dion went with a “Cleopatra meets Ann Boleyn by way of Valley of the Dolls” look. Last time I checked, Halloween and your wedding day are not interchangeable, unless maybe you’re Elvira.

Tell your spouse how much you love him or her, save the catering fee, and don't ask me to be a bridesmaid again, or else I'm going to have to renew my commitment to punching you in the face. Isn't a fist sandwich the appropriate gift for a 17th anniversary? No? It is now.


Thursday, April 22, 2010

Nata's punch list

  1. Pointy corners on overhanging kitchen cupboards. Accidentally knock your head into one and you will know why.
  2. People who say ‘arx.’ Ask is the word, and it isn’t a hard word either. You are doing it on purpose and I want to pelt you with pocket dictionaries. “Can I arx you something?” NO. Fuck off.
  3. Smirkers. If you smirk at me, you are likely to end up with it coming out the back of your head.
  4. Discovering I don’t have enough of one ingredient halfway through cooking.
  5. People who ask inappropriate questions during chit-chat. I’m married, so apparently it is your right to ask “So are you guys planning to have kids soon?” What am I supposed to say to that? “Yeah, we’re planning to start trying soon, but right now we’re just practicing a lot” or maybe “Yes, and we’ve decided to announce it first to you, the person that I see once a year at someone else’s party, rather than to our parents or anyone that it might actually affect.” That is between my husband and me, and surprisingly, we aren’t interested in obtaining a cheer squad to stand by the bed when we get to that point. My plans to procreate should not be on your list of things to discuss at a party. And when I do get pregnant, you won’t be one of the people that I tell, just because you are such a nosey fuckwit.
  6. Anyone with a catchphrase. It was funny the first two, maybe three times, you said it, but after the eighty-seventh time I’m ready to tie you to a rocket and aim you at the nearest asteroid for the sake of humanity.
  7. Having to create meals for people with multiple food allergies. “Oh, I can’t have dairy, or gluten, or legumes, or beef, or anything with nutmeg or cinnamon or soy or cocoa or egg…” Right, steamed Styrofoam it is then. Enjoy.
  8. People who chew on pens or pencils that are not theirs. And then you get them back, and it’s still wet...ick.
  9. Shopping carts in empty car spaces. Especially when you don’t see them until you are halfway into the park, and then you have to back out awkwardly and find another spot. What kind of fat, lazy moron can’t walk ten extra paces to go put them away in the returns thingy? I’ve seen limping old ladies and women with four children under the age of four manage it, so why the hell can’t you?
  10. Birds that shit on my laundry when it is hanging out to dry.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Amanda's punch list

Amanda writes the blog Something in the Water.
  1. Breastfeeding. Look, I know it's the healthiest for my kid and all, but I hate it. My boobs turn themselves on and off like faucets. I have a general damp feeling across my chest at all times. It's socially awkward. I smell funny because of it. And my kid does this thing where she will arch her back and pop herself off my boob without breaking suction…and then latch right back on. Over. And over. And over. It's like getting multiple purple nurples in a row. Sometimes my nurples DO turn purple and that's just wrong.
  2. Breastfeeding advocates who make you feel guilty about giving your kid formula. Isn't what I feed my child my business? It's not like I'm giving her poison…it's baby formula. And sometimes I just can't handle being chewed on anymore, okay?
  3. People who are rude or dismissive to waitstaff at restaurants, hotels, stores, etc. I know you think you're better, but you've just proven you have no class. Fuck off.
  4. People who think smoking weed is "like the coolest thing ever, man," and go around talking about their chronic and have pot leaf clothing or hats or tattoos. If you want to smoke weed, just smoke the damn stuff…it doesn't have to be such a big deal. Stop acting like an idiot about it.
  5. Fanatics of any kind.
  6. People who look at me strangely because I have tattoos and a baby. The two are not mutually exclusive, people. Weirdos breed, too.
  7. Black bath towels. They leave weird fuzz all over everything.
  8. People who give me a hard time about smoking cigarettes. I already know it's not healthy. If you tell me one more freaking time how many minutes each cigarette takes off of my life, I'll do the math on that Big Mac you're shoving into your face.
  9. Medical professionals who WILL NOT LISTEN TO YOU. I know you have gone to school for a zillion years and all that, but if I tell you something is wrong, then SOMETHING IS WRONG. I don't care what your little gadgets tell you.
  10. People who leave more space than necessary between cars when parking on the street, turning what could be a five-car stretch of parking spaces into a three-car stretch. If you need a five-foot gap between your car and the car in front of you in order to get out later, you have absolutely no business driving a vehicle at all.
An e-mail followed shortly after the top 10 list arrived. It read, “I forgot to add Will Ferrell. I hate that guy.”


The drunken gnome's punch list

  1. People who don't have their priorities in order. For example, the mom who talks on her cell phone when shopping, while her child keeps telling her that they need to use the bathroom, and who tells them to wait because mommy needs to buy some earrings to wear to the bar tonight.
  2. People who can't handle real life. Don't complain to me about how hard your life is when you planned on having kids, a mortgage, a car payment, cable, a fancy new phone, and can't pay the bills or feed your family. Get a job or stop drinking at the bar every night. Shut the fuck up. We all have bills.
  3. People who party all night and then can't handle their responsibilities the next day. If you have a job to do, do it. That goes for professionals and stay-at-home moms/dads alike. (I guess the last three could all be one entry.)
  4. People who ask you a question but then interrupt you before you have a chance to finish answering. If you didn't care that much about the answer, don't waste my time and patience by asking me a question that was probably stupid to begin with.
  5. People who ask you a question and then argue with your answer. If you knew the answer, then don't ask. If you don't like the answer, knuckle sandwich.
  6. People who can't seem to do basic math. Don't ask me what 50% off $2.50 is if you don't want me to look at you like that. Or, don't look surprised when your total is way above what you wanted to spend. There's price stickers on everything; do the math!
  7. People who don't seem to know that there's tax on almost everything. Don't look surprised when the total isn't exactly the same as the sticker price.
  8. People who don't punctuate in texts, e-mails, and Facebook statuses. It doesn't take that much longer to add a period at the end of a sentence. If you can't figure it out on your phone, you are lazy or stupid. I'm probably going to skip right past what you wrote because I can't read what it anyway. If you want me to care about what you have to say, try harder.
  9. People who ask completely asinine questions and can't understand why I'm just staring at them instead of answering. My favorite one from the store I work in: "Is that real water in the fountain?"
  10. People who carry the reusable shopping totes but still want a plastic bag that they then stick in said shopping tote.
Can you tell I work in retail?


Monday, April 19, 2010

Kate's punch list

This from Kate, who writes the blog "I Am the Worst Blogger."

  1. Skinny bitches at the gym who hog machines, do reps on the lightest weight and take 5-minute breaks between sets. Get off the damn machine; you're not even sweating!
  2. People who ask me "Did you make that?" when I show them any crafts I've made. No, I'm showing it off because I stole it from a little old lady, duh. That's why I put a picture of it in my "My Crafts" folder on Facebook.
  3. People who always post that "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" quote. It makes you sound entitled, high-maintenance, and spoiled.
  4. Creationists.
  5. Conspiracy theorists. Seriously, Occam's Razor. The simplest solution is most often the right one.
  6. People who believe that all opinions are equally valid and always right. You can have a wrong opinion. If my opinion was that the sky was neon green, it's not automatically right because it's my opinion!
  7. PETA.
  8. People who, upon hearing that I have a degree in Political Science, decide to tell me all their opinions on current political events. I doubly want to punch them when it's obvious they don't actually even know the basics of how government works.
  9. Extensive and expensive weight-loss programs or fad diets. If they worked, there wouldn't be so many of them. Just put the candy down and go to the gym.
  10. Incurious people. How do you go through life without wanting to learn new things?

Michaela's punch list

  1. Washington State Lottery commercials. A) This commercial is about a guy who wins the lottery and his big dream is to spend his time and money building an elaborate robot that can throw a Frisbee to his dog OR B) Another ad from the same campaign where some lottery winner funds an enormous project that allows non-flying birds the experience of flight and shows footage of penguins, chickens, ostriches, and other earth-bound birds soaring through the air via specialty gliders.
  2. The lyrics to that annoyingly catchy hit-song "Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie.
  3. Automated company phone systems that tell you, "Your call is important to us" and then subject the customer/client/caller to muzak, infomercials for other company products and dozens of push-button options, none of them even vaguely related to the reason that you have called.
  4. The disgusting skin that forms on the surface of boiled milk.
  5. How the flavor of green peppers permeates the taste of everything that they are cooked with.
  6. All of the actions that have resulted in the depletion of the ozone layer and the creation of tanning beds.
  7. Unsportsman-like conduct (I am looking in the mirror on this one). I usually find this kind of behavior deplorable when witnessed and like to think of myself as a stranger to any unkind thoughts, revenge fantasies or childish actions like taking the ball home. However,I can't seem to remember any of this when I am losing.
  8. Jimmy Choo shoes—they sure are pretty but they hate my feet and I hate them right back.
  9. The sentiment (usually found at the bottom of those loathsome chain emails) "If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you can read this in English, thank a soldier."
  10. How after waiting for my nails to dry after every manicure that I have ever had, I end up fucking at least one of them up within ten minutes.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Amy's punch list, part deux

Vice so nice Amy wrote it twice!

[Re: #7, TIWTPITF has to admit to the guilty pleasure of The Real Housewives and loving Bethenny in particular.]
  1. Hair dryer lint. Where does it come from? Am I supposed to remove it? How?
  2. Suri Cruise. Ok. if you're old enough to wear high heels, why does your mother carry you around? You are FOUR years old!
  3. The customer service rep "Joe" from India who responded "in a very sturdy box" to my husband's question, "how will it be shipped?" (Is that a UPS competitor?...) I'm just pulling on your foot.
  4. Email acronyms except LMAO, WTF, and of course, TIWTPITF. The rest are unnecessary and I don't understand them anyway. I need a translator to decipher my son's text messages.
  5. The bottom of the peanut butter jar. I have to recycle it and in order to do so, I have to clean out the slimy mess. Disgusting!
  6. The air in chips packages. More chips, please.
  7. Bethenny on Real Housewives of New York City. Do I really need to see you sitting on the toilet taking your pregnancy test or see you naked for the PETA photo shoot? Are you pleasant to anyone or do you need to start a fight with everyone?
  8. The iPad. Forget the horrible name, I don't want my best buddy Kindle to become obsolete.
  9. All the 80s clothing I gave away that are in style now (not that I would have fit into them anyway).
  10. "Natural" make-up with chemicals.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Stephen's punch list

  1. Ayn Rand fans who self-identify with John Galt. Go ahead, dude, strike. I’m sure the rest of us will be brought to our knees if you are not in your cubicle doing the earth-moving work you do each day.
  2. Ticks. God, but I hate you bastards. I don’t fear you, nor am I creeped out by you. I just hate you. If you don’t want to die a miserable death by water or fire, stay the hell off my dog.
  3. Harley Davidson riders. Could anything be more boring than a gray-haired, fat, white guy on a Harley? I would love to ignore the parade of identically leather clad “rebels” passing through my picturesque small town each summer, but since they insist on removing the mufflers from their bikes, I can’t. I often wish for a massive twister to strike Sturgis in August.
  4. Radio station Hummers. Dear Radio Station Owner, I wish I could tell you how much the sight of your lime green and orange Hummer in the parking lot of the Kwick Trip handing out free cans of Rockstar guarantees that I will never tune my radio to Classic Rock 92.9.
  5. Camouflage clothing when not hunting or waging war. This clothing works really well for concealment from white-tailed deer or the Vietcong, but wearing it out to dinner just makes you look like a drooling jackass. I understand that you paid good money for that Mossy Oak jacket, but leave it at home when venturing out of the forest or combat zone. I won’t wear my tuxedo to your tree stand; don’t wear your camo pants to my wedding.
  6. Peeing Calvin stickers. It may say something about where I live that these stickers are still commonly seen, usually with Calvin peeing on the words “Gun Control” or “Atheists.” I would buy a sticker of Calvin peeing on a car with a peeing Calvin sticker.
  7. That space between the sink and the backsplash. Why is there a disgusting trough here? Do others enjoy the science experiment-type collection of food, soap scum, and other gnarl that inevitably collects in this space? I’m assuming the answer to that question is no, and yet this space is found in nearly every house in America. What gives?
  8. California. It’s over between us. I used to think you were really cool, but lately I just want to get as far away from you as I can. I can’t turn on the radio without hearing about your weather or your governor or your economic meltdown or your stupid brush fires. Frankly, you’re getting a little creepy. If I could take out a restraining order on a state, I would.
  9. Sharing food at Asian restaurants. I like Asian food. I wish I had a great big plate of it in front of me right now. Specifically, I would like a plate of shrimp in black bean sauce. And I would like to eat all of it, without having to share with my tablemates. How did this trend get started and why is it obsequious? Is it because some Asian countries are communist? Japan isn’t communist, so why are you digging your mitts in my rainbow roll? How about you order what you want, and I’ll order what I want.
  10. The cat that sits on my back porch and just stares. Please go away.

Amy's punch list

  1. Size small and medium clothing on the top shelf...large on the bottom. Hello? I'm 5 feet and can't reach the clothes that are my size!
  2. Having to find a salesperson at large retail clothing stores when I want to buy something. Does anyone want to make their sales quota?
  3. “On Sale” signs on racks with clothes that aren't on sale next to the ones that are.
  4. People who drive through double white lines on the road who are supposed to stop for people crossing the street.
  5. Adult-like talking babies on stock trading commercials. They are just creepy.
  6. Cashiers at grocery stores that tell you they are closed after waiting in line for 1/2 hour.
  7. Subscription cards that come fluttering out of my magazine that I have subscribed to already.
  8. People who don't return phone calls.
  9. Zoning laws that allow tree cutting before 8 am.
I don't know if any of these have been mentioned. I've read all of your blog entries but don't remember all the lists of things that annoy me too. [FYI, TIWTPITF covered #7 in its first month. Blow-in cards suck dead bear.]

Leigh Anne’s punch list

[Leigh Anne is the driving force behind Midlife Mediocrity.]

  1. Sex Rehab: Seriously. How can you be addicted to sex? Everyone likes sex. It should be one of the four food groups. It’s part of a healthy diet! But if you can’t stop having sex…and you don’t care who you’re having it with…you’re not an addict. You’re a whore.
  2. Skinny people who talk about how much they eat: Good for you, asshole. I know you’re skinny. I know you eat a lot. Now shut the hell up before I bitch slap you. My pimp hand is strong and you’ll never see it coming.
  3. Morning radio: While I’m in a Shut the Hell Up mood, WTF is up with morning radio? I listen to the radio to hear *music*. You know, songs with lyrics and a catchy beat. When I’m driving to work, I really don’t want to hear some douche-nozzle making sophomoric prank calls and talking about his hammertoe over Usher belting “Yeah”. Is D.J. an abbreviation for Douchy Jackass? Just. Stop. Talking. If you were even remotely talented you’d be on TV. Or maybe you’re just ugly.
  4. Daytime television: I’d rather go to work with a migraine, hemorrhoids, *and* the Swine Flu than stay home and watch this mindless, soul-killing schlock. After 75 years of television you still can’t find anything better than Nash Bridges and Cheaters to broadcast on weekdays? You made a huge step in the right direction when you stopped broadcasting CHiPs. Time to target Three’s Company. I’ll even let you keep Judge Judy if you’re willing to kick Divorce Court to the curb. You can do it, Daytime TV. Be the change!
  5. “Healthy” actresses and singers incessantly flaunting their size: I love the new trend of shapely stars. J.Lo and Beyonce have got it goin’ on! You have curves and you look great. Now move along. I *really* don’t need you shaking your ass in my direction at every opportunity. Seeing the junk in your trunk is putting me in a funk. Kindly tuck in your ta-tas and cover up your lady bits. More than 50 percent of the population in America can see a naked lady anytime we want. We have our very own vaginas and we don’t need to see yours. If you want to appeal to the demographic who wants to see your naughty parts, I suggest you pick up an application at the Cheetah or Scores.
  6. People Who Abuse Business Jargon: I’m being completely “above-board” when I tell you that the only thing I’d like to “drill down” into is your skull so I can “red flag” all the useless verbiage by “COB” today. It’s “mission critical” that we “ramp up” and “move things forward” to eliminate this jargon in an “impactful” way. I’m not “sandbagging” you. I’ll be the “pacesetter” and try to stay “on point” so we don’t suffer any “scope creep”. Just give me a minute to be “intentional” and make a “WAG” on the best way to “take the knock”. Seriously people. Do they teach this stuff in “B-School”? [FYI: TIWTPITF covered bizspeak last year.]
  7. My Wedding: I don’t know about the rest of you ladies, but my wedding and reception were four barely remembered hours of my life that I’m not even sure I enjoyed. Who were all those people? I was tired, cranky and by the end of the day I had been manhandled by so many near strangers that I might as well have been the starting center for the Steelers. Jeff and I have enjoyed many spectacular days together. This wasn’t one of them. I’m pretty sure the whole wedding industry is a nefarious plot to separate unsuspecting women (and their mothers) from their money. And it works. I would have preferred to elope, but my mom said everyone would think I was pregnant so we spent an ungodly amount of money to prove that I wasn’t with child at the time of my marriage. Genius.
  8. Birthday cakes at work: Nothing says “I don’t care enough to put any thought into your birthday” like the office birthday cake. What are we, twelve years old? Are we gonna sing? I don’t know why this drives me apeshit. It just does. Can’t we all just go to lunch when someone has a birthday? What about leaving an hour early to have a drink? You know, like adults.
  9. Horror Movies: I’m not sure when it happened, but sometime between the premiere of Psycho and the most recent installment of the Saw franchise, the horror movie plotline disappeared. I understand that 15-year-old boys don’t have much of an attention span, but is it to much to ask for a wee bit of coherent dialogue between disembowelments and eviscerations? How about a little back story? Is every horror film director contractually obligated to make the same lame-ass movie over and over while changing only the camera angle through which we see the heroine’s sweaty nipples and the point in the film at which the only black character is brutally exterminated? (Note to African American actors: Horror films are probably not the genre in which you’re going to find fame). Horror movies used to be squirmy, squishy fun that followed an actual narrative. Now? Not so much. I’d like to see Wes Craven make a horror film that features the bloody, shriek-inducing massacre of the three-act structure. Truly frightening!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Stephanie’s punch list

  1. People who make plans and then cancel them at the last moment without a really good reason. "My kid is projectile vomiting and school sent him home," is a good reason. "I know you rearranged your whole schedule to meet with me, but it turns out that there's a Very Special Episode of Blossom and I don't want to miss it," is most definitely not.
  2. People who talk about everything they're eating/working out on Facebook. It's GREAT that you're getting your fat ass in shape (and I say this as a fatass trying to get in shape), but I seriously don't care that, "Yoga class was, like, soooo soul cleansing today."
  3. I know everyone has already said it, but slow drivers in the fast lane deserve to be punched. But also, if I am driving cautiously IN THE RIGHT LANE because it's raining or something, get off my ass.
  4. People who don't share the arm rest at concerts and on planes.
  5. People who are practically strangers who ask me why I am in my mid-30s and don't have kids. First of all, none of your business. Second of all, I'm infertile, and thanks for bringing THAT up again. Third, I don't like kids enough to mortgage my house to have fertility treatments. And fourth, shut up before I punch you.
  6. Grammar crimes. All of them.
  7. People who ask for directions at the toll booth and chat for five minutes while the people behind them have to sit there and wait to pay the damn toll. Get a GPS. Or a map.
  8. People who are marinated in perfume. Also, nasty perfume used to cover up nasty smells, such as Eau du Rose et Cigarette. Spraying country apple cinnamon air freshener to cover a stinky poop does NOT help, either.
  9. People who try to preach their religion to me, especially if it involves knocking on my door at 8:00 AM.
  10. Spam and telemarketers on my cell phone.

Katie's punch list, part deux

I don't really expect you to put up either of mine, but now that I started thinking about it, there are a lot more things...

  1. People who talk on their cell phones in the bathroom. either while using the toilet, or worse, just standing in there while I am peeing. Don't think I won't flush. Twice. And maybe let out some good grunts, too.
  2. Fat people on the elevator with a fast food bag in their hand (usually going 1 story up) who think it's okay to tell me I am too skinny/need to eat/wish they could look like me. I eat well and run 30–40 miles a week.
  3. Yes I am skinny; I like to be healthy. If you tell me I am too skinny (which I am not—my BMI is right on target for my age), can I tell you that you are too fat and if you didn't eat crap and took the stairs you'd be less fat?
  4. People who think they are funny because you laughed at their joke, and then proceed to tell you it again, expecting the same reaction. (Okay, even I have done that :P)
  5. Women who think I am the babysitter when I am out with my kids (see #2).
  6. Women who tell me they want to be healthier and ask for my advice and then don't follow it.
  7. Maybe just all women.
  8. Rednecks who yell at me or tailgate me or generally are rude to me because I still have an Obama '08 sticker on my car. Listen here, Jackass, I had to look at your W sticker for 8 years, get over it.
  9. The parents of some kids at my daughter’s school who feed them grownup portions of fast-food breakfast EVERY DAY. Well, except for Fridays, when they bring them in with a dozen donut holes. And chocolate milk. For a 3 year old! Get up earlier and make something healthy for them. And you wonder why they bounce off the walls.
  10. Cocktail parties where I only know the host and everyone else knows each other. Yes, I am the token liberal. Yes, I will argue with you. No, I will not suddenly see your point and switch sides.
  11. The religious right who fails to notice that Jesus was all for socialism, in its very basic sense, and who don't agree with taking care of the less fortunate. Those people make me want to punch myself just to get out of the conversation.


Katie’s punch list, part 1

  1. Rush Limbaugh
  2. People with strong political opinions but who are so closed minded they can’t even argue their point vs. yours.
  3. Being late, or people who are late.
  4. Women who take more than 20 minutes to shower and get ready to go out. Also, women who dress up (usually, unbeknownst to them, like a slightly classy hooker) to go to the grocery store.
  5. People (my husband) giving me my car back with no gas.
  6. People who don’t discipline their children. Or people who say “Don’t make me take you to the car/bathroom/outside.” We all know you’re going to kick that kid’s ass; just do it and get it over with. Or people who count at their kids (I have two kids, so it’s not like I don’t understand).
  7. Bad coffee.
  8. Published books/magazines/papers or printed signs/menus/placards with obvious spelling and grammatical errors. The book one really gets to me. I mean, they do have an editor, right?
  9. Having a masters degree, being laid off, and people telling me now that I am “overqualified.”
  10. Pickup truck drivers who put the metal testicles hanging from the bumper.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Jaded's punch list

  1. Fliers. We live in the age of information and pollution, and you still think producing enormous waste by spreading A5 piece of papers that no one will read is the best way to advertise your product/event/whatever?
  2. Global warming and those who don't believe in it. My neighbor's six year old saw snow for the first time in his life this winter. Stop thinking that two weeks of cold balances the melting icecaps.
  3. Glenn Beck and his followers. They are the reason why the rest of the globe thinks Americans are dumb.
  4. Plastic starlets. They look fake, act stupid, and have little to no talent, but still get to appear on my screen, just to annoy me. Go away, Heidi!
  5. Parents who use their kids to make themselves look better. No matter how many beauty pageants, science competitions or sports venues they excel at, you are still the boring, fat housewife that will make her 10 year old practice the piano instead of letting her play outside. And 99 out of 100 will not thank you when she grows up.
  6. People obsessed with weight. We met 10 years ago; in the mean time, I learned two languages, majored, moved twice, won competitions, got promoted, got married, had a kid, and your most important observation is how thin I am? Bugger off!
  7. Stereotypes. There are pretty women with brains, hunky men with conscience, WoW players with family and real life. Just because you're neither of the above, they exist.
  8. Texting and how it infiltrates any written media. English is a beautiful language, use it! And put that damn cell down, there's a whole world worth seeing around you!
  9. People who think blogging = journalism.
  10. People who think they are better than the rest. No matter what makes you feel that way, age, weight, skin color, financial status, bloodline, whatever. You are only human, like the wrinkly old beggar in the rags on your corner. Deal with it!

Thanks a lot for letting me vent!


Rhonda's punch list

Rhonda writes the blog [Insert Witty Blog Title Here]. Check it.

  1. Overzealous toilets. Seriously, do I LOOK like I want that nastiness splashed on me? It's bad enough to be using a public restroom at all, ever, and I know that the super-flush is a cleanliness thing, but good grief! The backsplash is disgusting. I've taken to opening the stall door first, kicking the flusher handle, and running. I'd rather have dirty looks from strangers than dirty clothes from toilet spray.
  2. Parents who make excuses for their children. Bad behavior is bad behavior, regardless of how they slept, what they ate, who they visited recently, or whatever cockamamie excuse you've got up your sleeve this time. I have to behave appropriately despite the weather, my sleeping patterns, heartburn, etc. Teach your kid to do the same!
  3. People who think making good choices is equal to being lucky. Hate to break it to ya, buddy, but we're all lucky, if you consider forethought, preparation, and perseverance luck.
  4. Grammatical errors made by others. I can NOT ignore them. They stand out to me as though they were backlit by the lights from the Vegas strip. I want to fix them, but more so, I want to tie the offender to a chair and force them to watch episodes of Schoolhouse Rock for a month. And if that doesn't work, I'd like to force them into a literary form of castration: no writing utensils, be they manual or electronic, until they beg for forgiveness and promise to allow me to proofread their stuff forever after.
  5. Grammatical errors made by myself. This is even worse than #4. For some strange reason, I CAN ignore these...for days, weeks, even months on end. No amount of proofreading, whether before or after my work is published, can make me aware of the stupidity of my mistakes. When they do come out of hiding, and finally reveal themselves to me, I want to EXPLODE with rage, because I KNOW I checked it. I checked it a dozen times! Where did that come from?!?
  6. Dust. I dust the coffee table, TV, end tables, office credenza and bedroom dresser. Ah, now I can relax, right? WRONG! Just as I'm putting my feet up on the coffee table, SURPRISE! It's dust, and it's back for more fun! How, oh how, can it return so quickly? Grrr, it just makes me want to block out all possible streams of sunlight and bask in the glow of dust-concealing artificial lighting.
  7. Double-agent shoes. They're beautiful, and in the shoe store, they couldn't feel more comfortable. Purchase them, take them home, pick out a super-cute outfit for them, and you're out the door for a great day! The drive to work is great, you know that as you step out of your car, everyone in that parking lot is going to be thinking what great taste you have. Step step, I'm gorgeous! Step, step, I love it! Step, step, what's wrong with my toe? Step, step, oh no. Step, step, I'm not even inside the building yet! Step, step, ouch, ouch. Step, step, this is gonna be a long day.
  8. Bar soap. Do I really have to elaborate on this one? It's just ridiculous, I tell you. How in the world do people not get the willies every time they see that slimy bar of foulness sitting by the sink? Sure, I'll use it. And then I'll head straight to your kitchen to see if you've got some drain cleaner I can rub on my hands to do the job right.
  9. Dirty houses. Your house is a mess, and you know it. I'm not talking about a pile of unopened mail, kids' toys left all over the floor or even laundry that needs to be folded. No, that's just clutter. I'm talking about straight up, no-way-around-it, filth. If you have bugs and rodents that don't even pretend to scurry away in your presence, that's a problem. Don't offer for me to sit down, I don't want to have to burn this outfit. Oh, and when I try valiantly to suppress that mid-conversation gag because of the overpowering stench coming from the kitchen, take that as your cue to hire a maid service. Heck, I'd be happy to chip in, since they're likely to charge sky-high rates for being willing to forgo the bulldozer treatment. WORTH. EVERY. PENNY.
  10. Breaking weather alerts. There's nothing like siting down to watch your favorite show (on DVR, of course) and finding out it has been preempted because some podunk town on the other side of the state had a thunderstorm three nights ago. And guess what? Here's the best news of all! Don't worry, your show will continue in it's entirety right after this oh-so-urgent update. Thanks meteorologist Joe Interrupterson, why didn't you tell that to my DVR? And now, Susie McHillbilly has called in to tell us about the lightning she just saw. Great. Just great.

Liz’s punch list

[TIWTPITF loves, loves, loves #3 and is pissed as hell I didn’t think of it first. And #1 is pretty awesome too. Okay, I'm cuckoo crazy for the whole fucking list.]

  1. Wedding websites. I know, they’re convenient for guests, an easy way to get your registry out, blah blah blah. I do not need to be treated to 1,500-word essay on “Our Proposal Story,” 60 blurry photos of your engagement ring, or a ticker counting down the days until Your Day. Don’t get me started on the people who continue to update their wedding page after the wedding is over.
  2. Gladiator sandals. Universally unflattering and stupid-looking.
  3. Jennifer Aniston’s hair. No, there is nothing really “wrong” with it, other than the fact that she probably spends a bazillion dollars to make it look exactly the same as it has since 1998.
  4. Women’s business “networking” events that forever include cupcakes, chocolate, mini-massages and cosmopolitans. I’d like to attend a women’s networking event with beer, chicken wings and lawn games like bean-bag toss.
  5. People with obnoxious ringtones. It’s not 2000 anymore—the “wacky” novelty of having “Jesse’s Girl” as your ringtone has seriously worn off, and I don’t want to hear that tinny refrain ringing endlessly at your desk while you aren’t there.
  6. People who put clearly “posed” pictures of themselves as their Facebook profile pictures, especially if they held the camera out and took the pictures themselves.
  7. Stupid “unique” spellings of kids’ names. Madysyn, Alleeah, Kaeyleigh, Braedynne, etc. If Microsoft Word underlines the name with a red “misspelling” line, you might want to rethink naming your kid that made-up stupid name.
  8. Nicholas Sparks' crappy, sappy, boring books and the women who love them. If one more person gushes about “OMG! These books are sooooo romantic,” they might be looking at a punch in the face.
  9. Precious Moments dolls. They creep me out, dude.
  10. Tacky decorations with sayings like “Live, Laugh, Love,” “Always Kiss Me Goodnight,” “All Because Two People Fell in Love,” “Believe,” etc. Blorf, not to mention the phrases lose a little of their sentimentality when you can buy that crap in the home d├ęcor aisle at Target.