Monday, May 31, 2010

Mushy ice cream

I like my ice cream like I like my men: sweet, satisfying, and firm.

It always stumps me when folks take ice cream out to soften before serving. So you might sprain your wrist scooping out some rock-hard Rocky Road. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. And the reward is a bowl or cone of delicious, headache-inducing ice cream.

When it starts melting as soon as it hits the bowl or dripping down the cone, it’s dead to me. Okay, that’s an exaggeration. I’ll still suck it down through a straw, but I won’t be happy about it. If I wanted a milkshake, I would have gotten the blender out. If I wanted soft-serve, I would beeline to the closest DQ. Ice cream is supposed to be hard and cold—after all, it’s called ICE cream. The harder it is to begin with, the slower I can eat it. If it's already at a mushy stage when it hits the bowl, it's just going to dissolve into a puddle of dairy unless I shovel it into my piehole stat.

It may go without saying, but I'll have my scoop of ice cream next to my warm piece of pie, thank you. Better yet, can you put it in a separate bowl?


Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Olympic mascots

The 2012 London Olympic Games just revealed their official mascots and they are as misguided as The Office's David Brent.

From the country that gave us, in the words of Hugh Grant’s prime minister in Love Actually, “Shakespeare, Churchill, the Beatles, Sean Connery, Harry Potter. David Beckham's right foot. David Beckham's left foot, come to that,” I expected more. I expected something other than the mutant babies of some Teletubby inbreeding.

One critic called them computerized Smurfs for the iPhone generation. That’s an insult to Papa Smurf and the rest of Smurf village, but I will admit that the mascots’ giant eyes do look like a trackpad or webcam. Gargamel wouldn’t stalk these pansy-assed iShmoos if you paid him.

Named Wenlock and Mandeville, because apparently these mascots need another reason for a serious beating, the two mascots join an already silly group that includes a humanized snowball, ice cube, and snowflake from the ’06 Turin Winter Olympics; a cubist Catalan Sheepdog from the ’92 Barcelona Summer Olympics; and Sondre, a troll amputee from the ’94 Lillehammer Winter Paraolympics. Here’s an idea: instead of designing by focus group and political correctness, kick the mascots to the curb and celebrate the city and the athletes who will be gathering to compete instead. Or just use David Beckham’s right foot.

Thursday, May 20, 2010


I suck at Scrabble. I mean, I suck dead bear dry. I don’t know if I get too caught up in trying to wow everyone with an OED-worthy word. Maybe I’m fixated on the triple-word score. Whatever the case, I get a serious ass-whupping every time, usually by a 7th grader or a great-grandparent.

I want to punch Scrabble and its smug 10-point Z tiles right where it counts—namely those 101 2-letter words—because they are a reminder of how inept I am. I like to avoid humiliation at all costs, so why would I belly up to the coffee table and let my friends and family in on the fact that my English degree was a waste, along with that dictionary I got for my 16th birthday? What good is it knowing big words when I get routinely trounced by xi, qi, and do re mi?

I may not get the triple-letter score but I do have a five-fingered fist that will produce a five-point word. In a word, OW.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Chin whiskers

It’s hard enough accepting the gray hairs that are sprouting like unwelcome weeds amongst the chestnut crop of my hair. But the indignity of age marches south like Sherman, settling on my chin in the form of the occasional whisker.

For such a plucky word, whiskers are mortifying. I used to run into them once in a blue moon when I felt something amiss while stroking my chin. Now I studiously examine my chin whenever I’m washing my face, hoping to nip a new whisker in the bud. They probably aren’t noticeable to anyone other than me, but who the hell cares? I don’t want to acknowledge that my hormones are serving me up a side dish of crone to go with my aging gracefully entrĂ©e.

It may be natural, but it’s just not right.

Instead of taking it on the chin like the juicy 40-something gal that I am, I am going to keep patrolling my face for any signs of a prickly chin weed. And then I’m going to mow that motherplucker down any way I can. To paraphrase that old adage, the grass is always greener on the other side…of a laser hair removal treatment.


Thursday, May 6, 2010

Burger King

I don’t know about other plebians, but I like my monarch to be regal, a bit stately even. I want them to sit on a throne, not an electric bull. I want them to issue edicts, not throw a Frisbee or work the pole. He's behaving more like the Hamburglar than a to-the-strip mall-born Burger King.

This crowned creepshow slinks around, focusing on silly shenanigans instead of smacking down insurgents and knighting rock stars like a proper king. He’s a royal pain in the ass and gives me a whopper of a stomach ache. I’d punch him in the face, but I’m pretty sure I’d hurt myself, what with the shiny, happy plastic that is his head.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Straggler: Patty's punch list

  1. "Friends" who constantly brag about what they have. Debby…I don't care about your stupid vacations, your multiple trips to the Coach store, or your in-ground swimming pool. We live in Northern Illinois…it only gets hot enough to swim maybe one week out of the year!
  2. Parents who ask me everyday how their kid is doing in class. Really, I have had your daughter in my class for two years and she still can't tell me how many is five! You still think everything is ok?
  3. The school board that thinks it is important to pay the janitor $1,000 every month to wax the floor, but they can't find the money to give teachers a cost-of-living increase.
  4. Teacher Appreciation Week! The below-par teacher in the classroom next to yours is bragging about the $100 mall gift card she received from her students while you end up with a stupid apple-themed mug that still has the price sticker on it. Yep…it's from Dollar Tree.
  5. Stupid administrators who have no concept of how a school should be running. Get the hell out of the office once in a while and you won't be so shocked about how low the morale is amongst the staff!
  6. Busybody receptionist who just can't wait to run and tell everything to the administrator and then pretend to be your friend. Screw you…we all know you are the "spy".
  7. Women who get pregnant and think it's ok if they don't have health insurance because the state will pay for everything. Yeah, well I would have loved to have had another child, but being middle class, we don't qualify for free health insurance.
  8. People that think you are pissed off just because you don't want to talk to them at 8:00 in the morning. I have been up since 6:00 am. I have just spent an hour trapped in my car with a sullen teenager driving through a blizzard. No, I don't want to talk to you about what we are going to do all day.
  9. People who think that teachers only work nine months of the year and get paid for doing nothing over the summer. No asshole, the money that I get during the summer is money that I already earned.
  10. Stupid assistants. I don't have time to teach you…I am too busy with teaching 24 children!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Straggler: Camille's punch list

Add this to Camille's punch list of last year. Girl is angry and I love it.
  1. My gunt [TIWTPITF note: I assume Camille means "gut," but I like "gunt" so much more]
  2. Dieting
  3. Seattle winters
  4. People who won't remove their shoes when they come in my home
  5. Driver's who speed up when you try to change into their lane
  6. Stupid drivers who do things like: drive under the speed limit, stop in the middle of the road, take a right from the far lefthand lane
  7. My son's whining
  8. Parents who don't chip in to help with a gift for the overworked and underpaid teacher
  9. People without kids who judge moms (just you wait, yeah, just you wait)
  10. My cupcake getting stuck in the stupid to-go package Wink Cupcakes has decided to use
  11. #5-spicy when I specifically said #2 on the spicy. Damn, that's too hot!