Is a Tolkien convention in town, or are the Highland Games looming? Sorry to be a Utilipill, but Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, these man-skirts are fecking dumb. Unless you’re heading to a Gathering in your clan's tartan, back away from the Utilikilt. Scotsman Alan Cumming can pull off a kilt when hanging at a gay bar or anywhere else. Gerald Butler can sure as hell make it work. You can’t.
What’s that, you say? You’re hot? Wear some cargo shorts (just stay away from the jorts). Edgy? Get a tat. Lord of the Rings fan? Move back to the shire, or at least New Zealand. Need a place to stick your tools? I can suggest a few alternatives.
If you insist on never giving up your freedom, I'm going to give you some serious Maclovin'. I'll wrap my arms around your waist and reach for your big tool—namely, your ballpein hammer. Cue the bagpipes, MacDeath, and get ready for a Braveheart-worthy beatdown. And if you persist in your questionable fashion choices, I’ll have no choice but to pull out a dirk and go for the Utilikill.
And no, I don’t want to see what you've got going on under there.