Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Utilikilts

Is a Tolkien convention in town, or are the Highland Games looming? Sorry to be a Utilipill, but Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, these man-skirts are fecking dumb. Unless you’re heading to a Gathering in your clan's tartan, back away from the Utilikilt. Scotsman Alan Cumming can pull off a kilt when hanging at a gay bar or anywhere else. Gerald Butler can sure as hell make it work. You can’t.

What’s that, you say? You’re hot? Wear some cargo shorts (just stay away from the jorts). Edgy? Get a tat. Lord of the Rings fan? Move back to the shire, or at least New Zealand. Need a place to stick your tools? I can suggest a few alternatives.

If you insist on never giving up your freedom, I'm going to give you some serious Maclovin'. I'll wrap my arms around your waist and reach for your big tool—namely, your ballpein hammer. Cue the bagpipes, MacDeath, and get ready for a Braveheart-worthy beatdown. And if you persist in your questionable fashion choices, I’ll have no choice but to pull out a dirk and go for the Utilikill.

And no, I don’t want to see what you've got going on under there.

(photo: uncrate.com)

24 comments:

Tommy said...

But, but Stuart needs the room and freedom that only a kilt can provide.

...you'll never take his freedom!

Tina said...

I just linked here through Sewfast, and I love your blog. I hate everything, so seeing it all in print really started my day off right. Thanks!

OhMyGoodnessss said...

maybe it's just a UtiliTubeTop that fell down.

Anonymous said...

Oh, now, I think you're way off base here. I totally love men in kilts. And Utilikilts? So sensible with the fantastic cargo pockets and all.

Neil said...

I play and teach the bagpipes professionally and dress properly in kilt, complete with all the traditional accessories,not with frikken Teva sandels, but generally only of I've got a gig. If I had a piece of short bread for every time I've been asked if I have a "utility kilt or whatever they're called,"I'd be a fat bastard. My answer,in the nicest way appropriate to the situation, is "those aren't real kilts and I'll never own one". Really. Only wankers wear them. If you should ever need a good, properly attired piper, or if you want to learn how to play the pipe right instead of making horrific noise,check me out at nebagpiper.com. Now be a real man and step *away* from the Utilikilt.

Neil said...

Posting from my Blackberry has its drawbacks. Like accuracy. It's www.neilbagpiper.com. Cheers.

Shoveling Ferret said...

Are you my neighbor? Or possibly a split-personality I'm unaware of having?
One of my neighbors wears a utilikilt regularly. And a biker jacket. The incongruity of the two - my experiences with motorcycles has led to a deep belief that riding in a kilt would be a fabulously horrible idea - frequently makes me do a double-take and resist snarking off.

Annie said...

You should avoid a trashy restaurant chain called Tilted Kilt at all costs. The bartenders wear these and thankfully it hasn't been franchised in Seattle!

bigmamacass said...

Haaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaa!!!!! Lord have mercy, you make me cry from laughter!! I used to work with a guy, Dale, who had a Utilikilt obsession. It was freaky.

Chris said...

Jen, you got these particular things all wrong. They are very neato.

Anonymous said...

Give 'em a good Utilipunch!

Jason said...

Maybe we should spend less time criticizing what peoples wardrobe choices are and maybe take a look in the mirror and really see what the problem actually is. I think you have to much time on your hands. Try getting a hobby instead of trying to convince everyone that an article of clothing sucks.

SkitzoLeezra said...

Shut up Jason.
--
I think folks that want to wear a utility kilt should, that way we can instantly recognize them for the freaks they are. Otherwise, we would think them normal, what with the wearing cargo shorts and all.

Arvald said...

Well gents, this comment section fairly well sums up why we cant have any intelligent discussions about anything anywhere eon the internet.

Sparkplug said...

Ms. Worick,
You're a girl. You can't possibly understand the complete issue, here.

And as for the "it's not a REAL kilt", there are all sorts of varieties of everything, everywhere, all around the world. Is that a "REAL" car (cuz it's not a Porsche)? Is that a "REAL" hat (cuz it's not a Stetson)? Is that a "REAL" blanket (cuz it's not handmade of wool by someone's grandma)? Are your bagpipes "REAL", made of a sheep's stomach and other internal organs with bone pipes and reeds fresh picked from the bog this morning? How ORIGINAL does something have to be to be REAL?

Beautiful, tartan kilts and all the fancy dress up is great - for fancy dress up occasions. Sometimes, you just need to go work in the garden. Or go hiking. Or (I know, YOU think this is crazy, you would) take a motorcycle ride to anywhere.

I supposed y'all think you know what's good and right for everyone, in every way. But those thoughts are just opinions, as worthless as mine and anyone elses. The difference is what you do with those opinions - help or hinder?

Get over it. You're not doing anyone a service of any kind with the negativity. Here's a thought - see something odd? Laugh, fully, and move on.

SkitzoLeezra said...

SparkPlug is taking himself a bit too seriously. A little bit, he is.
Thanking goodness I am not witnessing his wearing of the kilt while in the garden, hiking or on the motorcycle. Nothing like SparkPlug's spark plug hangin' out to bring out negativity, am I right, people?

Anonymous said...

Jennifer, you're an idiot. As a direct descendant of Sir John Carmichael (look him up, it's kind of impressive), wearing a kilt is kind of a birthright. I choose to wear Utlilikilts because they are for more functional than my traditional kilts. I always get a kick out of people like you who have the nerve to talk about guys wearing kilts behind the safety of your keyboard, but not to their face. In fact, in all the years I've been wearing kilts the only thing anyone has ever said to me about it has been compliments. I realize your life is probably quite unrewarding and meaningless, and that Utlilikilts in some way represent every guy who has turned you down or ignored you. But let's be honest, the real problem here is your overall lack of self confidence and self esteem so you're attacking people with an ample amount of both. Get therapy, get laid, do what ever you need to do to get over your self. As for myself, I'm going to put on one of me Utilikilts and enjoy some freedom

cookiedds@hotmail.com said...

I've never worn more comfortable or practical garments than my Utilikilts. I have no insecurities involving my manhood, and frankly, pity those who rely on convention and conformity to measure theirs. I don't judge others for for their wardrobe selections maybe because I frankly don't care what they wear.

cookiedds@hotmail.com said...

BTW, I love this blog and would never punch it in the face. :) !!! <3
(thought I'd add a few punctuations I'd like to punch in the face).

Anonymous said...

C,mon now I,m a construction worker and I wear one to avoid swamp ass I get a nice breeze it,s comfortable and I can carry my tools. And I can carry it off so bite me

Anonymous said...

I wear a kilt a lot and have done so for almost 40 years since my childhood in Scotland. All I can say is that I find them comfortable (I have 4) and - not to put too fine a point on it - if other men have problems with me wearing one, the ladies certainly don't :-)

Anonymous said...

Cargo shorts are the opposite of sexy or interesting. But utilikilts -- omg, yes, please!

Anonymous said...

What bothers me most about Utilikilt is that I want one. They REFUSE to make them for women and shame/insult women who want one and then insist that the woman should cut them to make them fit. I'm sorry... you want to treat me like crap, take my money, and then I have to cut up this thing too? It is absolutely ridiculous that they refuse to have a women's line. An enterprising person could take advantage of this inequity and high demand and market a Women's Kilt. Name it something catchy and tell they boys they can keep their goods, we don't want to give them our money anyways :)CunningKilt ;)
I'm thinking about at least sewing my own for myself. I'll come up with a cooler embroidery logo for my ass.

Anonymous said...

If it has a pretty crisscross pattern it's a kilt, but if it has pockets it's a skirt, is that what I'm to understand? Listen, either they're both kilts or they're both skirts, you can't have it both ways, despite how much you may like having it both ways.