Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Seat hogs

After suffering through planes, trains, and automobiles for nigh on a week, I’ve had it with all the greedy fucks who ooze over several seats. At the airport, businessmen ignore the masses at the jam-packed gate and set up shop with their computer and carry-on to one side, meal to the other, and cords snaking out and plugging up all the available outlets.

On the bus, selfish hosebeasts sit on the aisle, cock blocking the empty window seat next to them by dumping a backpack on it, or simply ignoring my presence behind sun-blocking shades.

When my friend and I scrambled onto the Amtrak regional train bound for New York, we found ourselves in a free-for-all of epic proportions while trying to score two seats together. This might have been easier had the asswipes not come out in force, draping themselves over two seats and feigning sleep.

Move your fat faker ass, and your little dog too!

If you insist on being a waste of space, I’m afraid I have no choice but to assume the seat of power and hand your ass to you on a silver platter. You'll feel the earth move under your feet as I herd you to a standing-room only area for the duration of your trip. If you covet your neighbor's seat again, I'm going to gather up your belongings, pile them in your lap, and wrap you in yellow "POLICE—DO NOT CROSS" tape. That should contain you nicely while I punch your greedy gob. Awake now? No? Then you won't feel it when I smother you with your travel pillow.

(photo: flickr.com/photos/joekerstef/2882501714)

10 comments:

Tommy said...

Or, you could simply screw up your courage and ask them to move their stuff so you could sit.

Always works for me. And Stuart.

Carrie said...

ugh I hate this too!! As much as fattys that overflow into the next seat, c'mon they should have to buy two tickets!

You should write one about kids who wear those shoes with the wheels that pop out. super irritating.

Evelyn said...

Word, sister. I commute on the train every day, and it gets my goat when I ask (and believe me, I'm NOT afraid to ask) someone to move his/her bag off of one of few seats left... and they reply with an audible sigh of contempt. They do it, but they're clearly annoyed. Excuse me, but when you can prove that your tote bought a ticket, I'll back off. Fuckers.

Anonymous said...

Tommy clearly doesn't commute with the masses.

Sakima said...

When I see someone on the bus or train who looks as though they could be supremely annoyed by the fact that I want the empty seat next to them I like to ask very politely that they move their shit ... and if I an met with resistance I fail to hesitate in physically moving said shit forcefully into their lap, thanking them graciously as I sit down.

Most of the time they grab their things before I have a chance to touch them, but in most cases that's probably better than me soiling my hands by actually touching their heinous accouterments.

Whit said...

Hah! I like to target the ones it will annoy most too. Seriously fuckers, if you want a seat all to yourself, take a fucking cab.

Chris said...

hosebeasts and cockblocking!

oh, that reminds me of my 80's club days...

Anonymous said...

Happens *all* the time on the bus!! Next time I'll just sit on them (then again some of them may like that...ick).

Anonymous said...

I agree with you if the conveyance is crowded and these douchebags are pretending they don't know it. BUT, let's look at the flip side of this coin. I swear that the first 2 or 3 times I ever had to "go Greyhound", the skeeviest-looking men in the universe would get on and want to sit in the seat right next to me (I was a young female, traveling alone) in a mostly empty bus. So, yeah, I started "cock-blocking" in self-defense.

Seat said...

Very good blog post. You will appreciate the fine work being done over at www.SeatHogs.com.