Friday, April 24, 2009

Unidentifiable kitchen odors

It sounds like the premise of a joke: A girl walks into her kitchen and smells something strange… But it’s no laughing matter. As soon as I approach my kitchen, my cilia—the first line of defense—start vibrating. Then the smell hits my olfactory sense and I recoil from the stink punch to my face.

Extreme measures must be taken. This invisible but foul foe must be hunted down, rubbed out, and replaced with a scent I can stomach.

Where do I start? Is it the sink, trashcan, recycling bins, fridge, or perhaps the innocent-looking sponge? Where the eff is it coming from? It smells like Matthew McConaughey’s pits mingled with my grandma’s bathroom, laced with a soup├žon of sour dairy, a nasty nasal cocktail to be sure. Is there a putrid poltergeist squatting in my kitchen? Am I trapped in a moody Japanese horror film? Is the new trashcan liner ass-scented? Is an alligator decomposing in my pipes? The old hard-boiled Easter eggs and sour milk were chucked days ago; could their aura live on? And I shudder to think about what could be lying in the cupboard behind the Honeycombs box.

Kitchen, what the smell is your problem? Why you gotta be all mysterious and shit? You’re an enigma wrapped in a mystery wrapped in a leftover burrito, and it’s time to wake up and smell the hoses. If you don't come clean, I'm going to scrub you raw and drown you in bleach. Suck on that, you reeking punk-ass airborne bitch.

(photo: lifehacker.com/355264)

8 comments:

Pixie said...

i love this! i have an overly-sensitive nose and strange smells make me crazed! i smell things that dogs can't even detect! it's a curse i tell you!

i hope you find that funk and put it in its place...

mduette said...

This made me laugh so hard I darn near woke the baby. 'Ass-scented liner,' indeed. :)

The timeliness of these blogs is uncanny. Are you certain you're not in my head? Two days ago I was walking back and forth in our 2-foot kitchen going 'What IS that? Where is it COMING from? It's PUTRID!' I could not rest. The more I smelled it, the more personally affronted I became.

Ultimately it went away after mass cleaning, but my nose remembers.

My nose remembers. :(

Pixie said...

just remembered this...a couple of years ago at work, there was this horrid smell wafting down the hallway. i was the only one that could smell it and walked around for days bitching about the smell that NO ONE else could detect. After a couple of days i finally pinpointed that it was coming from the bathroom and that the reason it had a funkily familiar stench was that it was a dirty diaper left in the trash by a client.....eeewwww....

Rebecca said...

Whenever this happens to me, it invariably turns out to be the water I used to steam my broccoli two or three days earlier. It's a terrible funk, akin to a dead field mouse. It's embarrassing how often this occurs.

Chris said...

We had a rat behind the oven once.

Ingrid said...

Broccoli is the culprit in my kitchen, I eat it often and smell it constantly.

Anonymous said...

This tale is why you should NEVER use poison indoors to get rid of mice. They dehydrate and come out to seek water, and thanks to the stupid crazy ass who lived downstairs at the time, after one ate the poison he put out, it got into MY apartment and my sink drain. Actually, I only knew at first there was a stench from hell in my kitchen and it definitely smelled mousy. I turned on the hot water thinking it was something in the drain and I guess I was right because this made it even WORSE. I then noticed some other signs (I won't gross you out with them) that made me put 2 & 2 together.

Karnak said...

No one ever wins the game of "Find the Smell."