Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Miracle Whip

Even as a kid, I had a discriminating palette. If I bit into a BLT or ham sandwich that was advertised as containing mayonnaise and tasted even a hint of Miracle Whip, I’d spit that shit out and pitch a fit. Listen up, Chef Annoyme: Mayo and Miracle Whip are NOT interchangeable.

Clearly, I was an asshole at nine years old. Not much has changed. Perhaps it was one Miracle Whip bait and switch too many that sent me off on a bologna-and-ketchup binge for all of fourth grade. I was obviously deeply traumatized by Miracle Dip shit.

This sugary spooge is a crime against nature and my taste buds.
I can tell if it’s in potato or egg salad. I can sniff that slop out the way a pig roots out truffles. It's time to kick this "salad dressing" out of the condiment clubhouse. All the execs at Kraft should be forced to enter a Miracle Whip-eating contest. Let’s see just how much you can put down before you suffer a serious reversal of fortune and yack up that pearl jam. Methinks it won't be long…unless there's a miracle.

(photo: blogs.myspace.com/klepster)

14 comments:

Tommy said...

So, you'll eat ketchup but not Miracle Whip? HYPOCRITE!!!

Sewfast said...

Amen! I can't stand the shit either!

Accidental Olympian said...

THANK YOU! My boyfriend loves that 'tangy zip' so much and it seriously makes me squirm. The man puts Miracle Whip on TACOS. I know. Tacos.

(Shakes head in disbelief)

Anonymous said...

Sugary spooge...ha! I wholeheartedly agree -- it's criminal to falsely represent itself as mayonnaise.

Miracle Whip deserves to be tied up and whipped (and not in a sexual way).

Cameron said...

At the tender age of six, I made myself a sandwich which involved two slices of bread and a two inch thick layer of "The Whip". I am now 28 years old and I believe I still have the stuff lodged somewhere in my lower intestinal tract though I have not touched it since.

Anonymous said...

You are all so wrong! Miracle Whip is the best condiment ever conceived! I can't wait to try it on tacos...thanks, A.O.!

Shoveling Ferret said...

Amen, my sister!

Sarah (pointypen.com) said...

Oddly, I feel this way about mayonnaise. Give me the sugary spooge every time!

(Gee...can ya tell that part of my childhood was spent living in a trailer park? Heh.)

Intelligence Is A Curse said...

Yes, Miracle Whip is the devil's creation. I hate that stuff with a passion.

Chris said...

Dear TIWTPITF author;

I like miracle whip. It has always been labeled a 'salad dressing'. It is not supposed to be used in place of lovely mayo. I weep to think of how it's been maligned by careless and cheap-ass food preparers.

I mean, it's shite, but it never claimed to be mayo. That's my point.

Anonymous said...

You and I are alike. I was the same way. Try to slip me the Whip instead of mayo and I'd spew that shit. Godawful nasty crap.

Jennifer Worick said...

I am digging the Miracle Shit solidarity.

marianne said...

i just ate something with miracle whip in it, spit it out, then thought to myself: i wonder what other people think of this vomit? and i happened upon here. this is hilarious! thank you for putting a smile back on my face!

SGLDT said...

That shit's so nasty it probably causes ass Cancer and other various maladies. Parents that submit their children to that crap should be jailed and their children repossessed.