Sunglasses at night

Is your future so bright that you’ve gotta wear shades? Newsflash, Corey Hart, you don’t look cool. In fact, can you look at all?

Are you almost famous? Are you Bono? Jack Nicholson at the Oscars? No, then take those goddamn Top Gun aviators off. It’s not 1986 and you’re not Iceman. Even pilots take their sunglasses off after dark. If you don’t remove them, I’m going to take your breath away…literally. My fist feels the need, the need to speed toward your face.

Can you even make your way through a trendy nightclub when wearing your Oliver Peoples or your BluBlockers? I suppose they could be special superspy glasses that give you night vision or crazy tracking abilities.

But I suspect not.

More likely, they are a fashion crutch intended to lend you an air of L.A. hipness. Allow me to shed some light on the situation—you don’t look cool, you look like a tool in a graphic tee wearing too much hair product. In other words, you're trying way too hard. Since you seem to enjoy low lighting, let me do you a favor and make that a permanent condition by blinding you permanently with the bow of your Ray-Bans. Harsh, yes, but so is the cold light of day on your delicate eyes.

(photo: flickr.com/photos/tharrin/3187721828)