Monday, April 6, 2009

A date with Bret Michaels

When Bret "Mystic Tan" Michaels says, “I have an awesome date planned,” I want to believe like Fox Mulder. I get giddy as if I’m actually on the Rock of Love Bus, eating Doritos and waiting with my stripper brows and acrylic French manicure to be swept away to a romantic dinner for two.

Then reality (TV) smacks me in the face.

Instead of an intimate tête à tête on the beach at sunset, Bret takes the ladies on a group date to one of his favorite places. His ranch? A 4-star restaurant? The plastic surgeon's office? Nope. In one episode, it is a strip club where he wants the contestants to work the pole with the pros. Instead of his heart, they are apparently supposed to vie for his chubby.

It has just gotten worse.

This week, Bret “Don’t touch my hair extensions” Michaels takes the final three ladies to Miami, where they have very special gifts awaiting them. Specifically, skimpy sequined Carnivale outfits, complete with headdresses. I guess every rose has its porn.

Mindy rebelled.

Bret was displeased. “You have to be able to roll and have fun…She’s just gone mad.”

Actually, I think she just went sort of normal. She doesn’t like the color peach. And she doesn’t fancy dressing up like a drag queen stripper and sitting on a couch or chair in a sequined thong.

Hey, I have an idea, Bret "Juvederm" Michaels. Put on some tight tearaway pants, French cuffs, and a bow tie, and grind it out to “Nothin’ but a Good Time.” Then we'll see about busting out the "cruise ship chorus meets Princess Leia in Return of the Jedi" gear.

Bret, I've got an awesome date planned. How about you, me, and my fist get together for a threesome? I'll bring along a few toys and accoutrements for added pleasure. A well-placed whack with a stripper shoe will momentarily stun you—you know you like it—and allow me to remove your beat-ass bandanna and tie you to a stripper pole. Then I can shear your flame-retardant Barbie hair and power wash off the self-tanner. My fist will now get it on with you by introducing its own version of the unskinny bop until your pain level is off the charts. How's that for a killer date?

(photo: evilbeetgossip.film.com)

12 comments:

Tommy said...

Ummm, just exactly what did you expect from him? What did any of the contestants? It's a little late now to express surprise.

I'm more upset by his use of both a hat and a bandana to hide his balding pate. It's like wearing both a belt and suspenders. It's just not done.

Sewfast said...

Love it! Rant on!!!

sharikrsna said...

I KNOW! He's such a dick!!!!! Remember when he used to wear baby pink frost lipstick and rat his hair like a bitch? I do, hated him then and still hate him.

Anonymous said...

I love the sidebar Google ads running along today's blog: "Pole Dancer Shoes", "Removable Stripper Pole", "Romantic Restaurants" and "How to Lose 30 Pounds"!

Event Girl said...

How about a hair extension date? Bret wins, hands down. He has a huge head start.

Chris said...

oh jeezus i hate the color peach. who even INVENTED that color?!


oh.


okay.

Stephanie said...

I want to punch Bret's promo-photo pout. What's up with that? It's a face he's clearly rehearsed in the bathroom mirror for hours. It says, Oooo, I do not have a double chin. Oooo, I still look like I did in the 80s. Oooo, you want me even though I have chubby arms. Those delusional lips--how I want to punch them.

Of course, that would only make them more swollen and Bret would like that look.

Kat said...

I hate that show! I see it on sometimes at the gym when I'm working out. The only prerequisite as a girly contestant is cleavage that serves as a bib under their neck.

Lee W - The Way I See It said...

I think I just peed my pants! LOL

Anonymous said...

I agree with all the comments so far...how much more can be said?...the show debases women and all they stand for...
gross....gross...gross...
Now is that AWESOME???!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure who's more of a dick, him or Sebastian Bach.

Never could stand Poison's pop metal music, either.

Jennifer Worick said...

I gained a lot of respect for Sebastian Bach when he showed up on Gilmore Girls. He seems to be in on the joke that is him.