When Bret "Mystic Tan" Michaels says, “I have an awesome date planned,” I want to believe like Fox Mulder. I get giddy as if I’m actually on the Rock of Love Bus, eating Doritos and waiting with my stripper brows and acrylic French manicure to be swept away to a romantic dinner for two.
Then reality (TV) smacks me in the face.
Instead of an intimate tête à tête on the beach at sunset, Bret takes the ladies on a group date to one of his favorite places. His ranch? A 4-star restaurant? The plastic surgeon's office? Nope. In one episode, it is a strip club where he wants the contestants to work the pole with the pros. Instead of his heart, they are apparently supposed to vie for his chubby.
It has just gotten worse.
This week, Bret “Don’t touch my hair extensions” Michaels takes the final three ladies to Miami, where they have very special gifts awaiting them. Specifically, skimpy sequined Carnivale outfits, complete with headdresses. I guess every rose has its porn.
Bret was displeased. “You have to be able to roll and have fun…She’s just gone mad.”
Actually, I think she just went sort of normal. She doesn’t like the color peach. And she doesn’t fancy dressing up like a drag queen stripper and sitting on a couch or chair in a sequined thong.
Hey, I have an idea, Bret "Juvederm" Michaels. Put on some tight tearaway pants, French cuffs, and a bow tie, and grind it out to “Nothin’ but a Good Time.” Then we'll see about busting out the "cruise ship chorus meets Princess Leia in Return of the Jedi" gear.
Bret, I've got an awesome date planned. How about you, me, and my fist get together for a threesome? I'll bring along a few toys and accoutrements for added pleasure. A well-placed whack with a stripper shoe will momentarily stun you—you know you like it—and allow me to remove your beat-ass bandanna and tie you to a stripper pole. Then I can shear your flame-retardant Barbie hair and power wash off the self-tanner. My fist will now get it on with you by introducing its own version of the unskinny bop until your pain level is off the charts. How's that for a killer date?