I really have to draw the line. Pencil-thin brows and sperm brows don’t belong on the face. Put those sad things in a sterile cup where they belong.
I admit it: I plucked the fuck out of my eyebrows in 7th grade in an unfortunate experiment during a boring weekend. It was around the same time that I tried cutting my own bangs. Add to that a bad perm and you’ve got a whole lot of not-pretty going on. I tried to take some arty shots and since they were a bit out of focus, I looked a bit like Marlene Dietrich. Oh, who am I kidding? I looked like nine miles of bad road.
Over the past couple of years, I’ve been letting the brows grow in while simultaneously watching a whole lot of reality TV. Invariably the skank shows (i.e. Rock of Love) are riddled with crippled eyebrows. Some are drawn on in a thin line (see Pam Anderson or John Waters’ mustache).
Then there are the cock-tweezers trying to rock sperm brows. You know the kind: they start out sort of full and then they quickly taper to a thin tadpole tail. Is this an announcement that their hoo hah is open for business? And if the sperm shape isn’t bad enough, the overplucked brows often start somewhere over the pupil instead of the inside corner of the eye, so these dumbasses already look punched in the face and vaguely surprised.
What's the deal? Are these brow-challenged chicks OCD and can’t leave them alone? Do they have trichotillomania, working out their issues by pulling out their brows? Are they a living tribute to the comma?
Rather than punching these douchettes in their already damaged faces, I think a bit of hot wax is in order. Avoiding the eyebrow area, I think I’m going to treat you to a full facial wax since you clearly like depilation so fucking much. And FYI, the standard tip for services rendered is 15 to 20 percent.
What celebrity brows do you think need a do-over?