Thursday, April 16, 2009

PT Cruisers

Drive one of these and you’re basically PT crusin for a bruisin. Trying to recapture the flavor of the American Graffiti era (or a ZZ Top video), this wannabe retro ride looks more like a clown car worthy of PT Barnum. As Billy Joel once put it, the good old days weren’t always good.

I don’t know about you, but back in the day, cruising the Fairplain Plaza in my hometown was a sign we had pretty much given up. Cruising was not an activity to be remembered fondly; it was boredom in motion. Whether in a sweet-ass low-rider or a shitbox caboose, we were on a road to nowhere. Some still are.

A lot of rental agencies are handing out PT Cruisers to unsuspecting travelers. Slide those keys back across the counter, my sharp-dressed man, even if it means driving a crapass beater. Every time I spy one of these—usually in a pussy color like plum—I start to overheat. In a PT Loser, you’re asking to get rear-ended, and not in a good way. If you insist on bopping around town in this moving violation, get ready for a head-on collision with my fist.

This abomination looks like the bizarre love child of a VW bug and mini-van. Natural selection will eventually weed these mutations out of the automotive food chain, but I’m going to lend a helping hand. With a tire iron, I will wipe that stupid smile off the grill and hood. Since you're so effing sweet, I'm sure you won't mind if I pour some sugar in your gas tank. And now that you've made me so nostalgic, I'm going to unleash my inner bored teenager and plaster your exterior with a few dozen eggs. I've got eggs, and I know how to use them.

(photo: infomotori.com)

21 comments:

DG Strong said...

Ha. They make me think of moonshiners back in the 19-whenevers.

Anonymous said...

Not well written. Not funny. Frankly, you're kind of as annoying as the things you complain about.

Rebecca said...

I like you more and more with every post.

I detest PT Cruisers. I think that people who like PT Cruisers are the same people who think Bob Seeger and the Silver Bulleit Band represent the best of rock. "Just take those old records off the shelf!" Ugh.

Anonymous said...

Cruising the Fairplain Plaza! LOL! Have you seen that place lately?

Anonymous said...

I received an "upgrade" to one of these pieces of shite at the Anchorage airport two summers ago. It was bright blue. Then I noticed that almost every other car I saw up there was a PT cruiser. I wonder if it's the land of where all the misfit cars go?
And anonymous #1: You're annoying as shite and your complaint was poorly written. So why don't you go suck it?

Michaela said...

As always, right on. The only good thing is at least Benz or Volvo didn't make it--or we'd being seeing it on the road forever.

Anonymous said...

Oh, why'd ya have to punch the PT Cruiser? It's unassuming. Some people really like the old car look.

You know, I would punch those HUGE SUV'S-- not all of them, just the ones that TAKE UP TWO OR MORE PARKING SPOTS!!! I say, if you drive an SUV, you should LEARN TO PARK THAT THING!!!!!

DaddyGregor said...

Anonymous #1... Since you wrote at 6:11AM, you might be cranky from lack of sleep. Here's an idea made especially for you: Why don't you go back to bed, sleep for a few more, then try the other side of the bed when you get up.

Oh, and don't forget to take the stick out of your A$$ somewhere along the way...

P.S. Since it is more likely than not that you are living in a PT CROOZER, DOWN BY THE RIVER... finding a place to dispose of the stick, once removed, oughta be pretty easy. Or you could just suck it, Hater.

Anonymous said...

DaddyGregor,--- you can make your vote known by deleting the link to this blog and never coming back A- HOLE. You are missing the ENTIRE point so why don't you go back to your Daddy. Gregor.

Anonymous said...

Pardon moi, The above post was meant for Anonymous #1 not DaddyGregor who gets IT.

Amanda said...

This is especially appropriate, since one of these fuckers almost drove me onto the sidewalk yesterday when it swerved into my lane just to avoid slowing down for someone turning in front of them.

Your fist punches for all of us.

betsy said...

PT Cruisers are one of those things I just don't care to believe in. Like shorts. And unicorns.

But I do love seeing someone older driving one of those and totally thinking they're rocking it. Cute, but in that sad way that also kind of wants to make you cry.

Chris said...

In Kauai, we saw PT Cruisers by the pantload, and they were ALL BRILLIANT BLUE! It was enough to make me want to puke. But I don't puke because I'm a lady.

Chris said...

Oh, anonymous #1 really told you!!

Caroline said...

Yes, these things are crawling all over Hawaii! They're so outside of their element there, it's very odd. Although I don't know where their element is--gangland Chi-town?

I think Anon #1 is secretly in love with JW and is showing his love just like a first-grader would--by punching her in the face.

A Granddaughter said...

I got stuck with a PT cruiser as a rental. IT blew. Love your blog.

mduette said...

Awesome! How did I miss this one? I seriously shake my fist in anger at these road-bominations. Have you seen the ones with the retro-wood paneling? At least those seem to be embracing what they truly are...eyesores.

But the one that made my blood boil was one I was forced to see for years at my previous job. I don't know who owned it but it was there, every day, in the parking lot. A gold PT cruiser. GOLD. (<--a few caps are needed sometimes, no?) And the worst part..it had a vanity plate. You read that right. The plate read MSGLDPT. I wanted to punch it every day.

Heather said...

I just happened to catch a clip of Jay Leno one night a few weeks ago and Wanda Sykes was on there. The conversation turned to cars and the bailout (that hadn't taken place yet). At one point she referenced feeling sorry for people losing their jobs "but they got to quit making the PT Cruisers". I haven't laughed so hard in awhile and I still think about that often!

Anonymous said...

I was saddled with one of these as a rental car in Austin. They drove up and I was so pissed. It had wood siding on it. It really sucked driving it alone because I'm sure everyone who saw me in it thought - "oh, if that person just bought another car, they might get a friend".
PT Loser

johnathan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I'm no big fan of the Cruiser but the Honda Element and Scion xB are the ugliest vehicles ever to (dis)grace the planet.