Thursday, April 9, 2009

Patchouli

Damn you, patchouli! I cannot stomach your musky stink one minute longer. Much like peach schnapps (a long story involving a pint bottle, a frat party, and an acid-wash jean skirt), a whiff of you makes me throw up a little in my mouth. While this isn't a good thing in any situation, it's especially bad, since I really need to breathe through my mouth to avoid you as much as possible.

I was recently on a plane and a couple of old-school hippies were seated next to me. They were ripe. While they ordered up milk and nibbled on the fruit they brought along, I aimed the vent right at my nose and tried my best to sleep. But my puny olfactory sense is no match for your mighty stench. What's worse, if I brush against anything with you on it, your funk spams itself all over me and I can't get it off. Can you imagine my nausea-laced mortification when I bumped into someone doused in patchouli right before an important meeting? It didn't take long for Eau de Woodstock to assault the senses. I was trying to impress and I smelled like Haight-Ashbury during a heat wave.

To those fans of ratchouli, let me just say that dabbing on an overpowering fragrance in lieu of bathing only works for the French. Do you really think you can cover up your stank with this horrid scent? Do you think smelling like Matthew McKindamusk will reel in the ladies? Are you trying to brand yourself as a free spirit, an anti-establishment hippie? Newsflash, Sunshine Rainbow Quinoa, you're trying to fit in by wearing comfort sandals and reeking of patchoupee, just as much as if you were wearing the latest trend or spritzing yourself with a designer fragrance.

What to do? The answer is blowin' in the wind—downwind, that is.

I think a full-body glycolic peel—the more chemicals the better—is in order to exfoliate that shit down the drain. Perhaps I'll follow up with a tomato juice bath to neutralize any lingering skunk. Then I'll douse you with the latest Prada cologne and stuff you into a suit and pointy-toed shoes. Now that you're presentable, prepare for punishment. My daisy-fresh friends and I will form a circle around you and pummel you with hacky sacks, while alternately spraying aerosol deodorant and room freshener in your general direction.

(photo: Chronicle/Deanne Fitzmaurice)

17 comments:

mrsmorris said...

Hey Dude!

I'm brand spankin' new to your blog. It's a great blog and even greater right now, as I'm PMS'ing :).

Kim

DaddyGregor said...

Are you really sure the the whole cologne in lieu of bathing thing works for the French? I'm not so sure.... Take a ride on the Metro on a hot July afternoon rush hour and get back to me on that.

Caitlin said...

I am also new to your blog and I love it. I went through and read all your posts. You are fabulously funny and so RIGHT about all this! Keep up the good work.

Andrea Villarreal said...

Too funny! I have to go back and read about Matthew. He is so strange! I found your blog thru way of kandeland.

bigmamacass said...

lmfao! my last flight was like that and it SUCKED! I was a few aisles from the "smell" but it didn't matter to my nose... GROSS!

snidebride said...

This reminds of every experience I've ever had at Bumbershoot - trapped in crowds, slathered in patchouli, no escape!

Heather - CraftFail said...

Not a big fan of the patch myself.

Anonymous said...

Takes me back to college...all the Birkenstock sandal/thick sock wearing classmates (the horror)!!

Lori said...

Here! Here! The 70's have divine memories but the smell of the time, GOT TO GO! I can smell it a mile away. Its freakin weird to me! later,Lori

Anonymous said...

Well, kinda hateful, but we have a right to our own opinion, and this IS supposed to be humorous...I think those people just wear too much of it. It is an essential oil, ya only need a drop. Try mixing it with amber. It's nice that way!

Anonymous said...

Remember Stinkor from HeMan? That's the association I always have.

kiry1012 said...

aaaaaaaaaahhh ahhahahahahahhahahaaaa... funniest effin thing, this blog... I don't care how much or little they wear of it, patchouli = eau de dirty hippie... so true!!

Anonymous said...

...and completely unrelated but just as annoying - can we talk about guys who sit on the subway with their legs wide open, not only taking up 2 seats so that you can't sit down but also attempting to in some way show off their - most likely totally average & un-remarkable - crotch??

MISTER, we are NOT IMPRESSED...

Anonymous said...

ANY scent used to try to cover up lack of bathing is disgusting because it doesn't work, or they use so much cologne the fumes from that knock ppl out. A man I once worked with used to not only wear Brut but would do so in an attempt to cover BO. Brut is teh nasty anyway, way worse than patchouli, IMO. Patchouli at least is herbal while Brut is synthetic piss, but on top of BO...I'll leave it to your imagination. This guy could have left a room 20 minutes before and the funk would be just as strong in the air. He actually kept bottles of the stuff in his office and would keep reapplying it all day. Guh, I'm starting to puke in my mouth a little thinking about it...

I use natural/herbal products because I have both contact and inhalant allergies to just about every synthetic scent I've ever encountered (an added bonus with the Brut abuser), even supposedly unscented products. So, I happen to use Kiss My Face brand Liquid Rock (deodorant crystal) Peaceful Patchouli scent. It is a mellow patchouli and not as bitter as some I've smelled. Even a friend who usually doesn't like patch said she liked it. And it works for me which is more than I can say for a lot of other things I've tried, including plain deodorant crystal, so I'm sticking with it.

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Heather said...

I rather like the scent of patchouli, but only AFTER a shower. My boyfriend, on the other hand, would agree with you completely.

Anonymous said...

oh my god, I AGREEE

DOWN WITH ANYONE STINKING UP THE PLACE WITH PATCHOULIIII PUKE