Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Long fingernails on men

While I’m not keen on long Florence Griffith-Joyner nails on chicks, I really get goosebumps when I see long talons growing out of a dude’s nailbed.

What’s that, you say? You need them to play the guitar? Grow some calluses; they don’t need to be as long as a butter knife. Your pinky nail helps transport coke to your right nostril? Get a dollar bill and let it snow Bret Easton Ellis-style. You display them in your drag show? Press-on nails have come a long way, baby. You just don’t see the big deal about constant grooming? You’re going to be a man of constant sorrow if you don’t trim, file, or chew those claws down to a reasonable length.

If you insist on using your fingernails as chopsticks, be prepared for your nails and the hands they are attached to (and the arms the hands are attached to and the body the arms are attached to…) to get a massive scratch-down from my very functional active-length nails. And when I'm done, I'll sprinkle a healthy dose of nail polish remover over the raw areas, just because I'm thoughtful that way. If you can't take the tough love, next time, cut yourself to the quick, so I don't have to.

(photo: www.flickr.com/photos/bob_harlow/2767710828/)

19 comments:

GeorgiaPeachez said...

Man nails are tops on the creep factor! gross! My top man peeve though is the old man pony tail. Bald men with a total of 9 hairs on the sides of their head that they grow out to 2 feet in length and then pull it back into a greasy gray ponytail. It always looks like it's a permanent ponytail, like they are afraid to undo it because the hair will fall out. ugggggg. Please vent on this one for me! suzy

Columbia Lily said...

COULD NOT AGREE MORE. These rank very extremely high on the "disgusting, get away from me, don't touch me or come near me" list.

alisten@mac.com said...

one of the most (and only) disturbing things about the movie Proof was PS Hoffman's talons.

Anonymous said...

Freddy Krueger is the only man allowed to have long nails...and he's fictional. All other men should be attacked by Krueger himself in their "Nightmare on Nail Street" dreams!!

Brian said...

Yea, I have to work with a guy like this, and he's a nice guy too...I don't get why he can't see that he's being fucking disgusting.

Ashley said...

My fav is the single long ass pinky nail... UM WE KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING! Best when you spot it in the corporate work place. Shameless.

Anonymous said...

Coke-dealer nails. Love your blog! We hate the same shit!

Evelyn said...

I don't think there is anything that prompts my gag reflex more than a man with long nails. It's tops on my list. A man's hands say so much about him! And THAT is not what I wanna hear.

Anonymous said...

Daddy, say rather that you don't understand it. We, other people, know what long nails sexually mean.

EARL said...

Wow, you chicks need to get a life, why are you worried about someone else's nails i have long nails, and it is not something i set out to do, they just grow like that, so don't hate because you can grow your nails that is not my problem.

James said...

I'm a guitarist with long fingernails. It is definitely somewhat creepy looking, but it is a sacrifice we make on just four of our fingers. Any serious finger-picking guitarist would not cripple his performance and tone by "building up calouses" on his picking hand.

Anonymous said...

You women won't think a man with long fingernails is creepy after you hear "recuerdos de la alhambra" on his guitar ;)

Nerys said...

Ouch. someone's got issues :-)

I love my long nails. I get them professionally done (acrylic) and professionally polished. I keep them clean shiny and well maintained and filled regularly.

I am proud of my nails and I enjoy them. My current color is China Glaze Sun Worshiper. one of my favorite colors.

http://www.mylittlemouse.com/other/nails.jpg

mitchell said...

as long as they're pointy and used for self defense! Grow up people

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sara said...

Omg u girls are mean! I get French tips every other week and once a month pink and whites! I luv to have e pretty nails! I'm a crossdresser and luv it u mean girls can go bye

Anonymous said...

One day you will meet me. And you will volunteer to eat your own excrement just to go home the next day. Enjoy today, tomorrow is not here yet.

Anonymous said...

I'm a girl and my opinion is that long nails are disgusting. I hate then.. yuck!

Sarah said...

I'm a girl and my hubby has long nails, even longer have mine. I love them. We both have acrylics, we go to the salon together. Its quite enjoyable that we both have something to do together. Quite often both would have the same color