Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Long fingernails on men
What’s that, you say? You need them to play the guitar? Grow some calluses; they don’t need to be as long as a butter knife. Your pinky nail helps transport coke to your right nostril? Get a dollar bill and let it snow Bret Easton Ellis-style. You display them in your drag show? Press-on nails have come a long way, baby. You just don’t see the big deal about constant grooming? You’re going to be a man of constant sorrow if you don’t trim, file, or chew those claws down to a reasonable length.
If you insist on using your fingernails as chopsticks, be prepared for your nails and the hands they are attached to (and the arms the hands are attached to and the body the arms are attached to…) to get a massive scratch-down from my very functional active-length nails. And when I'm done, I'll sprinkle a healthy dose of nail polish remover over the raw areas, just because I'm thoughtful that way. If you can't take the tough love, next time, cut yourself to the quick, so I don't have to.