Friday, March 20, 2009

Jorts


I’m not a fan of shorts on men in general but when they are jean shorts (or jorts), I really doth protest. Often they are pleated, sometimes they are acid wash or faded, they can be hip-hop long or wash-the-car knee-length. Whatever the case, jorts all have one thing in common: they are nine kinds of wrong.

I don’t mind cut-offs, I have to say. They aren’t trying to be something they’re not. They own their trashiness and I find that appealing (except when they are so short on celebutards that the pockets hang below the “hem” line).

What I don’t find appealing are jorts—hemmed and intended to be worn as shorts from the get—that are paired with a tucked-in polo shirt and a cell phone clipped to the belt. This isn’t the summer version of business casual, Stef, it’s business casualty. If you’re burning up, reach for some flat-front khakis or cargo shorts, for the love of the fashion gods. If you dig on denim, pull on a pair of jeans and suck up your internal temperature. Choose a lane, make a Sophie’s choice: Jeans or shorts. You don’t get to have both and live to tell about it.

As spring gets under way, I expect to see more and more of these denim abominations burning my retinas. I think the best way to cure you of your penchant for St. John’s Bay resort wear is to whack your exposed knee with a 5-iron and send you to the pro shop for an ice pack and some more appealing clothing. Don’t worry; I’ll recycle those jorts for you: I’ll cut them off and send them to Britney or Jessica.

(Photo: denimexpress.com)

11 comments:

Tommy said...

So, if I cut the hem off a pair, then I'm okay?

Chris said...

But coulottes! Coulottes are cool, right?!

I'm telling you; my brother's going with my partner and me to Kauai next week, and he actually likes these damn things. And I don't have to be polite to my brother.

snidebride said...

OMG. That is so LA {Lower Alabama}.

alisten@mac.com said...

This may be my favorite post so far. xo

angie19130 said...

Too funny! My dad practically lives in these and snidebride he also lives in LA...Lower Alabama! BTW, I really hate the term LA. Don't you? It just seems like redneck pretentiousness to me.

maedeans said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
maedeans said...

Must say, you really are a Jen of all trades with some very different interests. I'm pulling the age card here. At 72 years old, just about anything someone wants to wear is okay with me. BUT, I'll even agree some things can be taken too far, such as cut-offs so short that the pockets hang below the “hem” line. Perhaps you don't know how some people dress in Lower Alabama. Last week was Spring Break here. As always, the dress of people tripping through the Flora-Bame to use the restrooms is a real fashion parade. Places like the F-B entertain people like me who just love to people watch. There is some pretention down here by some, but I have to say that they are interesting just like the others who aren't. There's lots of REAL PEOPLE down here, and, yes, most of them are some sort of redneck. I trip over to Fairhope when I want to see people who are still concerned about such things as what they wear.

Merc said...

I didn't even know there was such a stupid word for these things! It sounds like that lawn dart game, Jarts.

Nomsa said...

Okay....I am sending this post to my fiancee because he doesn't get how awful these things are. Thank you for stating the obvious in a frank way. Good God these things are awful.

Nile Baker said...

haha, good to see that cut-offs are ok! I'll own my trashiness!! Lol, I'm gonna think that to myself every time I wear a pair of cut-offs! I wear mine just above the knee. Not scarily short or thuggishly long either.

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