Monday, March 23, 2009

Matthew McConaughey’s armpits

Reputedly, McConNoWay has not worn deodorant in decades. Are you serious, you bongo-playing Bozo? Do you think we’ll be so enchanted by your sap-dripping drawl or leathery good looks that we’ll lose the use of our other senses? Like smell, for instance?

Aw, HELL no.

Kate Hudson supposedly asked surfer dude to roll on a crystal deodorant to ban his natural McConaughmusk while filming Fool’s Gold. He declined. I may not know how to lose a guy in 10 days but I do know how to lose a gal in 10 minutes, and it has something to do with B.O.

J.K. Livin' claims a good diet and showers contribute to his fresh scent. I’m sure you smell like butterflies and rainbows, Texas Tea, especially after a long run with one of your bromantic workout partners. I’m betting that Lance Armstrong is breathing out of his mouth during that last mile.

I suspect that designers aren’t keen on loaning red-carpet suits to him, either. If he wants to sit in his Airstream and stew in his own juices, that’s his business. But when a movie star takes up permanent residence in Funkytown, it’s time to take action.

I wish McKindahippie would take a tip from Duckie in Pretty in Pink, who at one point sniffed his pits and asked, “Do I offend?” No, sweet Duckie, you smell like Designer Imposter Drakkar Noir. Wooderson, on the other hand, does not smell all right, all right, all right, all right.

And because of that, he’s subject to my reign of ire. I want to make contact with Pigpen, driving his stanky ass through a carwash for a wash and buff. Better yet, I’d like to grab the biggest hose I can find, a bucket of industrial-strength cleaner—Dr. Bronner isn’t strong enough for this job—and scrub him down Silkwood-style. I’d roll on multiple coats of deodorant and force him into a shirt with a pocket so I could tuck a car air freshener in there for added measure. There’s no stench on my watch.

(Photo: unclestinky.wordpress.com)

14 comments:

Tommy said...

He won't even use a crystal one? Those rock!

CarlaCarlaCarlaCarla said...

I guess this isn't a good day to share flickr's Hot male arm pits group with you.

Loralynn said...

Funny!

Ash said...

He must have been talking to Cameron Diaz, she has been on that trip for years!

elizabeth said...

I just found your site! I'm in LOVE. WE suggest hate for thoes damn charmin bears and their fuzzy butts.
And we are no fans of Billy Mays either...
oh, and emo.

kaye said...

I found your blog via the feed of craftstylish and what I've read until now I can't see how it's getting your creative juices to flow. It's just superficial. Always easy to rant about people who are different than yourself. I'm not the harmony-kind-of-guy who wouldn't enjoy a little sarcasm here and there! But this just strikes me as shallow and uncalled-for.
Who cares if anyone shaves their legs or uses deodorant or wears the "wrong" kind of shorts? I know I sure don't. Having enough to do with "looking at the man in the mirror", as mr. jackson put it.

Tommy said...

"I'm not the harmony-kind-of-guy who wouldn't enjoy a little sarcasm here and there! But this just strikes me as shallow and uncalled-for."

The first thing people without a sense of humor always do is claim they have one. This is then followed by proof that they don't.

kaye said...

lol.

('nuff said.)

CarlaCarlaCarlaCarla said...

SOMETHING I WANNA PUNCH IN THE FACE:
That tiresome phrase uncalled for.

AS IF there's some special little call-for-stuff group of beings that sit around deciding what the rest of us doofusheads are to think, say and do in order to please their overly-thenthitive souls.

Kaye said...

hey, I'm German. I don't ask anyone to have mercy on my opinion, but please have mercy on me on behalf of weird grammar or wrong idioms... will ya?

Chris said...

HA!
you can just TELL he can be reasoned with. he's up for some constructive criticism. he's humble, and will defer to others if they ask for a little consideration. I mean, can't you tell he's that kinda guy?!

Jacob said...

McConaughmusk?! Effing hiLARRYous!

Anonymous said...

Duckie stole that bit from Bugs Bunny. Only I think Bugs worded it as "don't tell me I oh-fend?"

Anonymous said...

who gives a rats ass no one wares deodorant to the beach? you in water for god sakes. And if you are waring deodorant in the water knock it off its very bad for sea life and reefs. Any who you all are one to talk because I'm sure we have all gone without once in our lives.