Drive one of these and you’re basically PT crusin for a bruisin. Trying to recapture the flavor of the American Graffiti era (or a ZZ Top video), this wannabe retro ride looks more like a clown car worthy of PT Barnum. As Billy Joel once put it, the good old days weren’t always good.
I don’t know about you, but back in the day, cruising the Fairplain Plaza in my hometown was a sign we had pretty much given up. Cruising was not an activity to be remembered fondly; it was boredom in motion. Whether in a sweet-ass low-rider or a shitbox caboose, we were on a road to nowhere. Some still are.
A lot of rental agencies are handing out PT Cruisers to unsuspecting travelers. Slide those keys back across the counter, my sharp-dressed man, even if it means driving a crapass beater. Every time I spy one of these—usually in a pussy color like plum—I start to overheat. In a PT Loser, you’re asking to get rear-ended, and not in a good way. If you insist on bopping around town in this moving violation, get ready for a head-on collision with my fist.
This abomination looks like the bizarre love child of a VW bug and mini-van. Natural selection will eventually weed these mutations out of the automotive food chain, but I’m going to lend a helping hand. With a tire iron, I will wipe that stupid smile off the grill and hood. Since you're so effing sweet, I'm sure you won't mind if I pour some sugar in your gas tank. And now that you've made me so nostalgic, I'm going to unleash my inner bored teenager and plaster your exterior with a few dozen eggs. I've got eggs, and I know how to use them.