Pop quiz: Which of these are actual Hollywood baby names?
b. Reign Beau
c. Audio Science
d. Pilot Inspektor
e. All of the above
You guessed it, being smart and shit, that the answer is “all of the above.”
I don’t hate the players, I just hate the name. I’m happy to have these kids grow up and join my posse. Kal-El (Superman’s Kryptonian name) and Moxie Crimefighter can knock down my haters. Hermes is destined to be my personal shopper, and Reign Beau my nutritionist.
Kids have enough problems without insecure yet narcissistic parents saddling them with a nutbar name. Why not let them discover who they are, rather than assigning them a name that’s sure to seal their fate? In Neverlandish, Blanket translates as “your father is koo koo crazy.” Ikhyd sounds like an exotic animal that can roam the plains alongside an okapi. Jermajesty and Banjo are gonna get their asses kicked up and down the playground. And even I feel fucked just thinking about Audio Science.
For shits and giggles, let’s change your names and see how you like it. From here on out, Kal-El’s daddy Nic Cage is going to be called Lex Loser. Rachel Griffith (Banjo’s mom) is hereby dubbed Accordion Fold. Ving Rhames sired Reign Beau so I think it’s more fitting to change his name to Pot O. Gold. Audio Science mom Shannyn Sossamon can be tagged as “Exhibit A” and be used as a test subject in a research experiment.
And, finally, Robert Rodriguez, since you are a repeat offender (Rebel, Racer, Rocket, Rogue, ridiculous), I’m going to give you a special moniker; I'm thinking "Rectum" or "Reduce Reuse Recycle."
What names do you want to stick these asshats with?
What baby names make you want to claw your face off?
(photo of Jason Lee with wife and son Pilot Inspektor: almirgv.blogger.ba)