Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Shoulder harnesses

This one is for the ladies (or men with moobs). As I may have mentioned before, I have a healthy rack and every time I strap myself into a car, I am tortured by the shoulder harness. Talk about an over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder, the shitaceous strap never falls across my chest properly. It never, ever stays between my tatas. Instead of crossing in a straight diagonal line the way it should, it mashes one of my girls or it rides up so that the edge of the strap chafes my neck and puts me in a stranglehold. Sometimes—before I lose consciousness—I pull the harness up and over my head, so my seatbelt is the only thing holding me in and I feel like I’m in my dad’s old Dodge Charger, doing up safety old-school. I sit back against the strap until a collision propels me forward and my bladder bursts and my nose cracks against the dashboard. Nice work, car designers.

To wrap up this Saab story, I want to lash car engineers in the face with my shoulder harness for overlooking something so obvious that half of the driver’s license-carrying population winds up with road rash without ever actually hitting pavement. Next time, try designing a car with a double-D crash test dummy in the driver’s seat. Just a thought.



estroJen said...

I love this blog!! Thanks for making me laugh every day :)

Pobble said...

I am not graced with a rack of any noticeable size, and I still got the chafing. I habitually wore my shoulder harness under the arm. I experimented with putting it behind me, but it was one of those attack-harnesses that automatically slides forward when you open the door, and that would always smoosh my face into the steering wheel before I could untangle myself.

I remember stories that there was a car that was "designed for women," with things like buttons you could press without chipping your long manicured nails. Because we all have those, y'know. And extra lights around mirrors for the doing of the makeup. Ooo, they must have asked dozens of pictures of women in lad magazines to get such high-quality tips.

Venting Is A Girl's Best Friend said...

ahh i couldnt agree more! ill come help u punch the engineers in the face while THEY wear unkind-for-men-belts (like kiddy swings with straps that go between the legs)!

that oughta teach em to FIX those damn chaffing machines

Unknown said...

I KNOW! And it's not just that! I'm petite...4'11", and they make those seat belts for 'average-sized' people.....who are THEY? Why can't these things be adjustable? They lie just fine between my lovely little peaches but they TEAR MY NECK apart, and dig into it.
I just discovered you, and thoroughly enjoy your opinions and wit! Thank you!

Unknown said...

Don't blame us automotive engineers - it's the lawyers! Because we have become such a litigious society, the automakers must comply with all kinds of safety legisation to avoid getting sued by hapless owners. Seat belts must pass such stringent crash testing that they have to be ill-fitting and cumbersome in order to "fit" every potential passenger. Did you know that cars must now have glow-in-the-dark release levers inside the trunk, just in case someone falls in and the lid shuts on them? I once worked for a company that made screw jacks to change your flat tire - the warning labels about not placing the jack in soft mud, etc. were equally ridiculous. I could go on and on. Drivers are basically exempt from possessing any common sense. And the car designers get the bad rap for simply keeping their products legal.

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Ashlie Hawkins said...

I feel your pain! Luckily, my car came with a clip on the lap belt to help adjust the shoulder strap and it makes life soooo much better! Except now I can't stand to sit anywhere but in my driver's seat!