Monday, June 8, 2009

Mustard juice

The smell of charcoal and roasting mammal wafts through the air as the Polish sausage/burger/fill-in-the-blank meat is turning a glorious shade of crispy red-brown on the grill. My mouth—my whole body—tingles with anticipation as I split open a fluffy potato roll. Heaven is literally in the palm of my hand and it’s about to be in my piehole. There’s only one thing standing between me and the Divine. I reach for the condiments and watch as…

It all turns to shit.

I flip or twist the top on the yellow mustard, aim it at my bun, and watch in slow-motion as mustardy juice squirts out of the bottle and turns my bun into monster mush. Of course, this clocks in at under a second so I’m helpless, hapless, unable to stop the stream of yellow mustard pee from raining on my meat parade.

My meal in ruins, I unleash my own stream of colorful spew, this time in the direction of the French’s bottle.

I forget about the mustard juice every single time I bust out the pondiment, so you could say it’s my own fault for not draining off the mustard spit in the sink before getting to the real deal. But I’m already full-up on the self-loathing so French’s, Ghoul-dens, Grey Poop-on, Hellmann’s, Heinz, and other purveyors of mustard, you can kiss my heinie…with relish.

Ketchup, you’d better watch your back.



Cameron said...

This is great. We always called it Mustard Pee as well growing up. Without exaggeration, this is why I stopped eating mustard. That and the little religiously metaphorical seeds creeped me out.

tarabu said...

tee=hee-hee-hee! (I am so sorry for your meal, but your re-telling brightened my day!)

Chris said...

I've lost many a squirt of mustard by insisting on squeezing first over the sink (or the paper towel, or the ground) before squirting on my hotdog. Even shaking the bottle doesn't seem to ensure against mustard pee!

Anonymous said...

You should switch to a mustard-based BBQ sauce. So so good and it doesn't separate.

If you need a recipe, let me know.

Susan said...

I loathe the mustard pee, too. I ALWAYS shake the mustard bottle to avoid it. haha.

I also massage ketchup packets (like from Sonic) prior to tearing off the corner to avoid ketchup pee on my tater tots. :-)

Tricia Orchard said...

I haven't laughed this hard in a along time. Tears are streaming down my face.

Thanks for making my day. Great writing. I love it!