Friday, June 5, 2009

Punch Bowl round-up

To cap off a week of guest posts that were sometimes spot on and occasionally controversial (no, I do not promote actual violence against anyone on or off a recumbent bike ever, under any circumstances), I thought I’d share some of the shorter posts and laundry lists people submitted. Maybe someday I’ll write about these, and maybe I won’t. Personally, there are one or two Beatles songs I actually like.
  • School children as a whole population.
  • Old people who whine.
  • People who have ugly dogs and think they are cute.
  • People who do not do the courtesy wave when you let them in when driving.
  • People who do quizzes on Facebook—GET A LIFE.
  • People who are late.
  • People who try and get on the train before people have the chance to get off.
  • People who don’t respect old people (though if they are the ones who whine, then I am fine with that).
  • The people at the post office working so slow...
  • Call center workers who cannot speak English.
  • Most of the time, people in general.
—Alyssa, My Life in a Blog

Men who think that just because they can go without a shirt that it's okay. Hello, ever heard of this thing called a mirror? Check it out sometime. Get the side view. There you go. See what I mean? It's exactly like Spandex—it's a privilege, not a right. And women, just because you can find tiny short-shorts to fit your ass doesn't mean you should wear them. Ah, the first few days of hot weather are always so painful, aren't they? I really wish I could snatch these people up and drop them into the 360-degree mirror they use on What Not To Wear. Once the screaming died down, perhaps some common sense would kick in.

—Nancy from Eugene, Klevabich

  • People who type "wanna" instead of "want to." You're not fucking Mark Twain, y'know.
  • A fucking ex-President and Veep that keep saying, in essence, "we violated the Constitution to protect you", when protecting Americans isn't in their fucking job description but protecting the Constitution is. I'm counting down until their Secret Service protection expires.
  • Strict Constitutionalists who haven't read the fucking 9th Amendment.
  • Libertarians who refuse to admit how much of their success in life was due to their being white and male.
  • The UPS guy who keeps delivering things when I'm masturbating in view of the front door. (Of course, he probably wants to punch me, too. And he'd actually have grounds for it.)
  • Whoever gave the new Moon Knight Minimate blue eyes. Moon Knight doesn't have fucking blue eyes!
  • People who end business calls with "bye-bye." Bye-bye? It's not even "buh-bye," which is still bad. It's "bye-bye," as if they were three years old. Grow up! You're a fucking adult! How about "good-bye?"
  • Whoever made the decisions to bring back Bucky and Uncle Ben.
  • Religious people who think discussion is a substitution for experimentation.
  • Cynical people who complain about trivial things. No, wait, those people rock! :)
  • Oh yeah, one more: people with misleading URLs. goes to the same place.
—Tommy, Sexy Red-Headed Nuns

I could be happy to never hear any Beatles again.

  • Women who tell how far along they are in their pregnancy in weeks. “Oh I’m 17 weeks along.” Are they serious? Say “over four months” and save me from having to do the math.
  • People who give their children’s ages in months. “He’s 22 months old,” again what’s with the math? This isn’t a test and I didn’t care that much to begin with. So spare the rest of the world and say almost two years; that will suffice.
  • People who clear their throats profusely. What the hell is wrong with you, do you need water, are you drowning via your saliva? Either way I don’t care, so please die quietly next time.
  • Loud typers and talkers. Would it bother you if I stood up and screamed annoyingly at the top of my lungs like Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber? I bet it would, and that’s how I feel about you. Again, die.
—Kristi Lewandowski


Anonymous said...

I just wanted to note that I now refrain from "rubbing one out" on days when I'm expecting anything from UPS.

It's a sacrifice, but one I'm willing to make for our boys in brown!

I'm also now more sympathetic to actual violence towards recumbent-bike riders now that I have to log in to make a comment just because they had a tantrum.

(That was a joke. Don't have another tantrum, please.)

Greg Moon said...

Tommy, you had better reserve some of that Bush/Cheney-shredding-the-constitution rage for Obama/Biden, as you may notice in the daily drip of news stories, they are keeping a lot of the former adminstration's policies vis-a-vis the "war on human-caused disasters"

Chris said...

I love being reminded of shit I can't fucking stand and want to fucking kill.

This is a valuable public service.

CarlaCarlaCarlaCarla said...

I'm not the one-and-only weirdo who hates Beatles songs? Hallelujah!

And to top it off, every 32 months or som some lispy director does a film that revolves around them.

And The Doors ... ugh-oh-rama. I'm glad Jim Morris died young.

Unknown said...

I'd love to write something witty, but I have to say, I just laughed and laughed at these lists. Too funny- thanks!!

Anonymous said...

Greg: I certainly am prepared to spew in their direction as well. But I'm also giving them some time. It's a mighty big ship they're trying to turn and it'll take some time.

But I'm watching 'em! I have no illusions that Obama is anything but a pragmatic moderate.

Luckily, I regenerate rage pretty quickly, so I don't really need to reserve much.