Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Punch Bowl Winners' Circle: David Caruso’s slow enunciation

Long time reader, first-time face puncher—and I am so excited for the opportunity! To be truthful, I think about this subject a lot. Sometimes, I will be driving or just living and either get frustrated and/or upset and just think "Argh! If only I could punch right in the face!" But then I think about how if I would really want to waste my one, good chance on said annoyance. So please know, that a lot of good mental research has gone into the following.

The thing I would like to punch in the face is David Caruso's slow way of enunciating everything he says in order to make it sound more interesting. It's not! Just say it at normal speed! Just because you lower your voice...draw out each syllable...and give a cocky little head tilt does not mean that you just made the Nobel Prize Winning statement of the year! "But it seems...that our victim...has already met....his....fate...."

Yeah, no crap! He's dead on the floor! And now you just took up 25 minutes stating that fact when I could have been figuring out through the miracle of television who killed him. It chaps me, it really does. You have so much time when he starts talking that you can change the channel, check in on another show, come back and catch the middle of his sentence, switch again, then slide on in for the last 17 seconds or so of his phrase and still know exactly what he said.

I mean really? I gave up reading because I read too slowly and wanted to get to the story line—that's why I watch TV! You're killing me, Horatio Caine. Speed it up.

—Marissa Diamond, Marissa in Houston

How can I not love this, seeing as I punched David Caruso’s neck back in March (TIWTPITF, March 19)?



Built c.1910... said...

Yeah, Marissa! I love your Punch. Can't understand why anyone would be attracted to the dough boy, yet paparazzi always snapping his pic for all the mags. Come on guys, is this the best you can do?

Chris said...

THIS makes my day. It is so great to know that someone else Gets It. What the hell is this guy riding on? His good looks? I don't get it at all. He plays one character. ONE. He's never played more than one character. And that character always talks like this. This is the way this character talks. Talking like this is the essence of this one character, played over and over again. What am I saying?

I'm saying that Melissa is rightfully punching this guy's elocution, but that's just a symptom for the whole disease that is this person. How many attitudes does this guy have? One. Count them. Then add them together. One attitude. I would name them for you, but it would be singularly simple. A wall is more complex. One time my printer spit out a blank page and I thought: Ah! This remind me of that guy...

Oh, I've probably failed to make my point. I'm always too subtle. But at least I know what I mean, and I comfort myself in believing Melissa has felt this way, too.

Chris said...


I came back here to get Marissa's blog link and I see that the whole time I was blabbiing on about Caruso, I called Marissa Melissa. Oh, there's NOTHING I hate worse than when people call people the wrong fucking name!!

Someone has to Punch me. No kidding. Let's have it.

CarlaCarlaCarlaCarla said...
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TaraFly said...

Gotta agree with everyone here!
What bugs me most about David are the looks he gives the camera during those annoying close-ups. Who is responsible for these "smoldering" shots that are supposed to trick us into believing he's sexy? Was it the director's idea, David's manager...?
They should advertise Pepto immediately following, for those of us who are fighting the urge to throw up.

(I miss Grissom, by the way. Now he was hot!)

Jennifer Worick said...

I have a massive crush on Grissom. I would totally hit that.

GG said...

My brother calls Caruso "The Sunglasses of Justice"