Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Punch Bowl Winners' Circle: Cheap toilet paper

We already know that impossibly compact airport bathroom stalls are punchable (TIWTPITF, Feb. 11). Fast-food restaurants, gas stations and bars everywhere seem to be vying for top honors in some unspoken contemptible crapper contest. But even a five-star restaurant's roomy restroom or the luxurious loo at a squeaky-clean Starbucks might as well be a street-festival Port-O-Let on Sunday night if it doesn't have a decent roll of toilet paper!

Apparently there is a market for tightwad TP. But that cheap-ass, see-through excuse for a personal hygienic helper brings literal meaning to "crap that chaps my hide".

Is it really saving them that much money? In these tough economic times, I can think of much more effective cost-cutting measures. Although I'm not one of those guys who needs to pay for a second seat on Southwest, I'll use up half a roll of that pitiful parchment in one, er, sitting. But pamper me with some of that aloe-infused, huggably soft good stuff, and a few luxurious squares will do the job!
Are these stingy purveyors of paltry processed pulp afraid their customers will steal it to fortify their personal stashes at home? I'd be ashamed to get caught "decorating" my worst enemy's front-yard foliage with their vile vellum, much less foisting it on my own house guests! I've been unemployed for almost five months now, but if it ever comes down to buying bargain-brand asswipe or eating canned cat food, I'm shopping for Charmin and noshing on 9 Lives. Might be a little tough getting it down, but much more tolerable on the way out!

Sorry if I offend your incompetence with incontinence, but in this age of plasma televisions and iPod nanos, this is one area where thick trumps thin. So, while I'm reaching over to the hand-towel dispenser for something that can appreciate my high-fiber diet, I'll take a double punch at you, ribald roll of single-ply sandpaper! You'll wish you had some quilted softness to cushion your gossamer grimace from the Mr. Whipple-worthy whoop-ass I'm about to unleash!

—Kevin Grover

This is from another Kevin, who always has an opinion and a funny comment about my posts.

(photo: thehappyrock.com)


Tommy said...

I also want to punch Charmin in the face. Do we really need three grades of toilet paper? And none are as good as the single line they replaced. The cheap stuff all around sucks. The soft stuff is weak and puncture-prone. (Ew!) And the strong feels like you're wiping your ass with styrofoam.

I used to work at a place that had decent TP. But then they built out the basement. Unfortunately, the builders didn't build enough drop into the drain pipes and they would clog unless we used really thin stuff. So the people on the 1st and 2nd floors had nice paper. But the cellar-dwellers were forced to use the cheap stuff. (In addition to hot having windows.)

gretchen said...

Tommy I am so with you on the Charmin. I'm glad I am not the only one who feels that way!

And as a side note--why is the triple roll not three times what the single roll is? What exactly does triple mean in TP parlance?

Just a little personal TIWTPITF

Impulse Bride said...

I totally agree with this post. But I also want to punch the Charmin commercials. I really don't want to be looking at TP bits stuck to anyone's booty, be it a bear or human one.

Anonymous said...

Oh, and the vast array of quantity/size choices bugs me, too.

Do I want 4 rolls? 6? 8? 12? 24? Regular rolls? Large? Jumbo? Ginormous?

It's like fucking Starbucks!

Anonymous said...

(Oh noes! Name/URL posting is no longer enabled. Luckily, I have an unused AIM account.)

And then there are those horrible commercials with the obese bears. The one where the bear bends over and its butt is covered with scraps of tissue nearly made me gag.

(Now I'm thinking of the Frantics' fake TP commercial. "It's like a handful of Jello. It's like you're using nothing at all!")