Monday, June 29, 2009

“Happy Birthday” song

There’s no way to sugar coat it. This song blows chunks of dry birthday cake. You can’t put a candle on top of it and hope to distract folks from the monumental awfulness of this little ditty about Jack and Diane and everybody else’s birthday.

No one likes to sing it.
No one likes to hear it.

Even in French, it makes my ears bleed.

Please, for the love of all things holy—like today, the sacred day when my magnificent mother gave me to the world—sing me a song that you aren’t roped into chanting with lackluster enthusiasm (often at a crap-ass chain restaurant).

Sing one of my favorite karaoke songs. Sing me “Love Shack” or “Fever” or “Don’t Stop Believin’” (as trendy as that may be now). I wouldn’t mind a little bit of “Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You.” To make my birthday wish come true, sing me some Jovi, namely the chorus of “Livin’ on a Prayer:”

Oh, we’re halfway there
Oh oh, livin’ on a prayer
Take my hand, we’ll make it, I swear
Oh oh, livin’ on a prayer.

That sort of seems more appropriate these days anyway. While I appreciate the gesture, sing me something that won’t make me lose my appetite before I get to the birthday cake.

With what song would you want to be serenaded on your birthday?



Cameron said...

Here is what I enjoy on my birthday and upon the birthdays of others. Morrissey knows just what to say sometimes.

Enjoy it and enjoy the not-so-subtle punch in the face embedded within the lyrics.

Happy birthday.

SwinginMartinisDesigns said...

I agree! We have a large family and ALL birthdays are celebrated...and each time, Happy Birthday is droned on...slow and painful. After each redition, I comment on what an enthusiastic bunch we are.
I believe "Rock this Bitch" by Ben Folds would be my song of choice. (Um, and although I am a HUGE MJ fan, I wonder if his rights to the Birthday Song are free reign now and Restaurants don't have to sing ridiculous variations....)

Julie said...

hilarious, as always. happy birthday =) love your blog. thanks for all the laughs.

Anonymous said...

At last, a smack at the Birthday Dirge! Unless you have at least one loud, enthusiastic person in the chorus, everyone tries to be just a leetle bit behind the rest, with the result that the horrible thing slows down more and more and seems it will never end. If you must sing it, sing LOUDLY and VIGOROUSLY at a REAL FAST TEMPO and everyone will thank you afterward. Extra entertainment points for singing it in your Birthday suit.

Anonymous said...

Oh! Forgot to leave my own birthday-song preference. Gotta be Clarence Williams' "You're Bound To Look Like a Monkey When You Get Old." But, please just play the record or CD for me; don't sing it.

Caroline said...

SO true! Even 50 Cent can't pull off a good birthday song. Happy happy to you!!!! And don't stop believin'!

Unknown said...

If they start singing you happy birthday at a restaurant, scream stop and say they could be sued for copy right infringement. Because that's the truth.

Darcey Howard said...

And to think that i almost sang you happy birthday on the phone yesterday. eeegads, that's no way to treat a friend. I've always been a bit partial to the Beatles version of Happy Birthday with wailing guitar rifts so it feels kind of like the dirty little thing it is.

T.Allen said...

So funny, happy belated birthday!I have to think of a befitting ode to me...

SkitzoLeezra said...

I nominate Barry Manilow's "Can't Smile Without You"

"y'see, I feel sad when you're sad
I feel glad when you feel glad
If you only knew what I'm going through
I just can't smile without you"

you MUST sing it in the most hearing impaired or learning disabled voice you can muster. And LOUD, REAL loud!

Birthday song switch - SOLVED.
You're welcome.

LC said...

I prefer The Arrogant Worms The Happy Happy Birthday Song. Have a listen, it is a much more accurate take on birthdays.

Chris said...

You are SO right, Pookie. I can't STAND this song. The only thing worse is the National Anthem, because it's just too long.

I would LOVE an Elvis song on my birthday. What's So Funny Bout Peace Love and Understanding. Or, Pump It UP. Or, I Can't Stand Up For Falling Down! Fabulous!!

I love the Livin on A Prayer idea, though. I'll sing that at top volume for you today.