Thursday, July 30, 2009

Cheeto dust

Like Shakira’s hips, Cheetos don’t lie. When viewing the orange mist in my car, on my clothing, on my couch, it’s clear that there’s been a high Cheeto count this summer. And if you were to turn on a blacklight or spray some Luminol in my pad, you might see an occasional orange splatter pattern.

Clearly, something really bad happened on the right side of my couch.

While I love to put away orangefood at every and any opportunity, I don’t really like the radioactive goo that cakes my fingers (Okay, that's a lie. I just hate the damage it does to my surroundings when I don't lick my fingers lickety split). As I got out of the car last night for a book signing at the Tacoma Public Library, my pal Jessica gave me a strange look. She then attacked me, wiping me down and beating my clothes until a cloud of orange rose up around me. Thank God. Without her delousing, the audience would have thought I had come out on the wrong side of a fight with a Tang canister.

I can't punch Cheetos in the face because it will only exacerbate the problem. The only thing to do is to throw some cold water on this all-unnatural snackfood…literally. Either that, or I'm going to mix it with some lotion, create a faux-spray tan, and dress up as Paris Hilton for Halloween…or an Oompa effing Loompa.

(Photo: curlywurlygurly.wordpress.com/.../spring-break/)

7 comments:

Elizabeth C. said...

Okay, this one has me crying. How many licks to get that stuff off your fingers? And how about the orange line bleeding through your nails like a french manicure gone terribly wrong?

Cameron said...

I believe that my comments on this matter have previously been adequately expressed. It is all Chester the Douchebag Cheetah's fault, damn him. Damn him to the fiery orange cheesy inferno of hell!

Shoveling Ferret said...

I am not alone in my Cheetos-lust!

That Damn Monkey said...

I'm a little bit in love with the bathtub lady.


Maybe a lot.

Eveline said...

You could always use it to paint Elvis!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXigfZGqsLM

Kim said...

ROFL at the cheetos post, just ROFL....!

DrewciferCDXX said...

I want to make love to the chick in that bath tub.