Friday, July 17, 2009

Parking hogs

You know them. Chances are, you want to punch these selfish fucks in the face (or shatter their windshields with that baseball bat you happen to keep in the trunk for “emergencies”). I’m talking about the asscaps who park their precious car/truck/SUV/crotch rocket/shitbox caboose over several parking spots. I suspect they want to avoid any damage from neighboring car doors. I got news for you and your insurance provider: splaying your vehicle across several spots is only going to draw attention to it, and not in any kind of good way.

I have the same violent feelings about this parking violation as I do about people who hate to park their car on the street instead of a garage, or are scared to drive it into the big bad city. If you are that worried about your ride, you prolly shouldn’t take it out of the cul de sac, or you shouldn’t own it at all.

But maybe you have a different reason for flunking your driving test on a daily basis. Perhaps you’re visually challenged. Maybe your first name starts with N and you’re trying to create a capital N with your Nissan by joining the ends of the painted lines. Guess what? N is also for Nimrod, Nincompoop, and ‘Nads. Maybe you’re playing a giant game of Connect Door. And in case you are confused, that line in front of you is not a guide for centering your Hummer.

Get your OCD on and make it a challenge NOT to touch either line, instead of straddling it like Brooke Hogan on a mechanical bull. If you keep it up, I’m going to go all Kathy Bates on you and get jiggy with the parking piggy, regardless of whether you are in the lot of the Piggly Wiggly or a parking garage. I’m going to drive up your insurance premiums when I smash into your beloved Beemer from whatever angle you’ve provided me with. And if that doesn’t do the trick, I’m going to really go Kathy Bates on you and get out the sledgehammer. I’ll make sure you’re not driving or parking anything but a wheelchair anytime soon.

(photo: flickr.com/photos/agentakit/2821154238/)

6 comments:

SkitzoLeezra said...

Oh, the freedom of driving a piece of shit! I blocked a parking spot hog by parking 2 inches from their driver side door so they would be forced to enter from the passenger side. Didn't matter to me that they might key or scratch my car - it was already shredded, BY ME! Amazingly, there wasn't one mark on my car when I returned. Except that I LOOKED LIKE AN ASS because I wasn't parked between 2 lines.
Doing a good thing but risking being misunderstood,
I am,
SkitzoLeezra

Lauren Messiah said...

Let that rage out!!! I LOVE your blog btw.

Jennifer Worick said...

Thanks Lauren: Digging Fashion Kitty too!

Chris said...

bravo, sister. The entitlement of these trogs just burns me! Oh, how many notes have I written! If only I had the nerve to key.

I'll never get over the shallowness of needing your car to say something about you. If you're so afraid of ruining something that's depreciating at the speed of sound anyway, then don't spend that much money on it.

And for godsake, or whoever's in charge, don't procreate. We don't need more sludge from your shallow gene pool.

otisgexperience said...

Usually, you see this sort of thing with huge, expensive SUV's...

But a Subaru? I wonder if people realize doing such things probably ENCOURAGES someone to key your car. :)

Karnak said...

I saw this a lot in college. Not only did we have to pay to park, but the spots were very limited. My last year, I wrote angry notes to everyone who parked like this and folded them up so they looked like parking tickets. I usually walked to class and work, but there’s nothing quite as fun as having to park ½ a mile out of the way because an idiot in a truck had to use up 4 spots!