A freezer-burned Lender’s Bagel would taste like a delicacy compared with this waste of intestinal space. All I can say is, whatever corner of hell they're made in must have really suck-ass water. I suppose the airport powers that be think any sort of filler food is fine for a long flight, but let me tell you, I’d rather chew on the Skymall catalog than try to choke this thing down. Even using it as a vehicle for cream cheese is futile: the spread just sits there, refusing to melt into the breadrock—even if the potential murder weapon has been toasted.
We delicate flowers need alternatives to McDonalds, sure, and sometimes trail mix isn’t going to do it. But no amount of asiago is going to mask the sawdust that went into these plastic-wrapped plastic bagels. Kick them to the curb in favor of something like PB&J or mac and cheese. I’ll happily take the remaining inventory off your hands. They'll make excellent pucks for makeshift airport shuffleboard. Meet me outside Gate 18; we’ll borrow some brooms from the janitorial staff and get it on.