Quadraboob and uniboob

Any sort of ill-fitting bra on myself or anyone else chaps my hide (particularly around my chest). Just like jeans that are too small, the wrong fit will give you a muffin top up top—not a tasty look.

Quadraboob looks terrible and feels even worse. Are two breasts not enough for you? Do you need to one-up (or two-up) the rest of us by stuffing yourself into a cup size so small that your bodacious boobies spill up and over, clearly trying to escape their Lycra vise? Like wishing for unicorns or Edward Cullen, telling yourself that you’re a 34C doesn’t bring it into being.

Then there’s the uniboob, which, if you haven’t had this mammary treat thrown in your face, occurs when you stuff your junk into a tight bra bandage so that you get one lump sum across your chest. Sure, the girls will be immobilized during a workout, but this ta-ta tube will also look like you’re squirreling away a loaf of bread or a salami in your shirt. While delicious, they sure can’t compare with your luscious decolletage.

Beeline to your nearest lingerie department and get fitted, or study up at Wrong Bra Size. Yes, you may be a size larger than you thought, but if you keep smothering and smashing and shoving your breasts into a compression bandage, I'm going to have to fill an over-the-shoulder boulder holder with an actual boulder and knock some sense into you.

(Photo: www.twolia.com/.../)