Monday, July 13, 2009

Christmas shoppes

I’m currently in Michigan. As a native, I can’t help but be assaulted by memories both good and bad, and by the Great Lake State’s many noteworthy attractions. One of these draws is Frankenmuth, a town where it’s Christmas 365 days a year. At least that’s what it’s known for. Hailed as Michigan’s Little Bavaria and THE place to pick up a new pair of lederhosen, I always word-associate it with frankincense, one of the Three Wise Men’s housewarming gifts.

But it’s Bronner’s (and its kissing cousins) that is the real Christmas culprit. This is the world’s largest Christmas shop(pe), guaranteed to bring out my inner hyperglycemic. I can taste the candy cane just thinking about the flocking, the commemorative glass ornaments, the Santa suits, and—sweet baby Jesus—the outdoor inflatables, lights, and holiday decor. Much like year-round Christmas decorations, these stores need to be packed up and stored somewhere out of my sight for 10 or 11 months of the year. I'm not a complete humbug hosebag. Come November, I'm happy to have Santa Clause come to town. But for the rest of the year, there’s no room at this inn for these not-so-little shops of holiday horrors.

If you continue to flaunt their bubble lights and Christopher Radko ornaments in July, I'm going to transform all of your Santa suits into sexy devil costumes for Halloween and sneak into your shop(pe) after hours and plug in every single indoor and outdoor strand of Christmas lights. If I don't take out a city grid, expect a massive electricity bill. It's my present to you, because I'm thoughtful that way.



Spa Scotta said...

You, madame, are a hater. Frankenmuth is sacred. Fried chicken dinner family style, dollhouse accessories stores, candy stepped over the line, lady.

BeeBee said...

I think Frankenmuth is allowed to stay because (1) it is contained in one small geographic area that is frozen solid for at least 5 months out of every year (2) they DO have chicken and is chicken is good (3) it is the only place in the eastern US (Levenworth, WA is it's west coast cousin) where you can get a cuckoo clock repaired.
And inflatable manger scenes are just wrong - any time, any season, any location. Just wrong.

Chris said...


I see you are in Michigan. So, of course you've been to the American Legion. Who, upon landing in Michigan, hasn't?

I guess I can't say much about Christmas stores, when I like Halloween stores so much. But at least I haven't seen any Halloween stores weeny enough to think year-round isn't lameass.

Jennifer Worick said...

That sign is in the Legion that my mom and stepdad go to every goddamn day. I've knocked back a few at the bar there, I can't lie.

Yet Another Steve said...

Aaaagh, why oh why did I click on that link to the Christopher Radko ornaments? It's INSTANT INDIGESTION OF THE EYE. Those things look like every cloyingly sugary, inedible pile of "Christmas Candy" ever to grow dusty lying in a dish well into January! [violent shudders] Oh, the horror.

Anonymous said...

I'd like to punch the mispelling of Santa's name in the face. It is Santa Claus, not Clause.

BillyK said...

Are you a relative Claus?

BillyK said...

From Ken Robinson
" When my son was four, his preschool put on a production of the Nativity story. During the show, there was a wonderful moment when three little boys came onstage as the Three Wise Men, carrying their gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. I think the second boy lost his nerve a little and went out of sequence. The third boy had to improvise a line he hadn’t learned, or paid much attention to during rehearsals, given that he was only four. The first boy said, "I bring you gold." The second boy said, "I bring you myrrh."
The third boy said 'Frank sent this'