Thursday, July 2, 2009

Facebook quizzes

Pop quiz hotshots: Which of following are actual Facebook quizzes?
  • 5 Things I Could Grab from Where I’m Sitting
  • 5 Things on My Body I Can No Longer Grab
  • Top 5 Ways You Want to Kick the Bucket
  • Which Michael Jackson Hit Song Are You?
  • Things I’ve Used to Wipe My Ass
  • Things I’ve Put in my Mouth When Drunk
  • Which Texting Emodicon Are You?
  • 5 Facebook Quizzes that Will Drive You to the Edge of Insanity and Then Push You Over
Which Plastic Army Man Are You? Really? REALLY? Here’s a clue: I’m the one with the big fucking fist aimed in your direction. Plastic or no, I’m going to clock you and your waste-of-time questions. My friends already know 25 things about me. If they don’t, there’s probably a good reason (my police record, random hookups, and late-night refrigerator raids are not for everyone’s eyes).

Navel gazing has been taken up a notch with these quizzes, whose dumbassedness is only rivaled by Jar Jar Binks. Blogging, creating profiles, writing pithy status updates—this is all cyber child’s play when faced with the monumentally feeble attempt to make us believe we are more interesting than we are. I don’t give a rat’s ass what Jane Austen character I am (as long as it’s not Lydia Bennet); I’d rather spend my time reading Miss Austen than imagining myself stuffed into an empire-waist gown in a pre-deodorant era. I love my friends, I really do, but frankly, my dear, when it comes to your 5 favorite cereals, I don’t give a damn.

For the record, here are my top 5 ways I'm going to kick your social networking ass:
1) Shut down Living Social with a nasty virus.
2) Ruin your reputation by spreading a nasty rumor on the men's room wall.
3) Cage fight. I've got my top 14 phalanges right here, ready to inflict some damage to your face, Facebook. Don't even think about tapping out, bitch.
4) Start my own rival quiz network, where I'll ask questions that really matter (such as Top 5 Patrick Swayze quotes and 5 Worst Hangnail Experiences of My Life).
5) Ignore you altogether and watch reruns of Jon & Kate Plus 8. Just kidding. I'll be in the tub re-reading Persuasion.



DaddyGregor said...

Ummm... I fear that my posting of results from the Plastic Army Guy quiz pushed you over the edge. For this, I am sorry. You see, I just can't help it, because we Bazooka dudes are Blunt and forceful. Blatant and to the point...

DG Strong said...


Al said...

i could not agree more.
i have taken to deleting people off facebook that do too many quizzes. If i saw one more how soon are you going to die i would have helped aid that age to much sooner.

Red said...

They are my most hated thing with the new facebook layout too.

I dont care about all that crap.

And if you send me a request, you will be blocked from sending me anything at all ever.

I hate them.

But thank you for letting me know i am not alone in my hatred.

DINO said...

Hear Hear........I agree wholeheartedly ! Get a Fucking life people ! Good to know I'm not the only one who thinks these quizzes are retarded !!

becca.elpy said...

Ugh, and the ones that make you 'forward to 10 friends' before you can see the results. I don't care that much to see the results and I like [most of :P] my friends too much to subject them to that.

Shibby said...

In addition to the quizzes, a lot of which tell you what you already apparently know about yourself (at least I would hope that you didn't need to take a quiz to tell you what your 5 favorite cereals are... if that's the case, FB quizzes rank pretty low on your "Reasons I'm a Complete Fucking Loser" list), but there are also those craptastic Application Invitations. If I get one more application invitation I'm gonna (*lame pun alert) RSVP my foot to the person who sent its ass. Forgive me if I have no interest in wanting to plant something in your 'Little Green Patch' nor do I want you to send me pictures of tequila shots and Cosmopolitans that you “bought for me” (I hope you tipped your invisible FB bartender well). And I want to play 'Mafia Wars' about as much as I want to trade places with that wench Kate, from Jon & Cunt Plus 8. Here's an idea you socially-deprived cyber-nerd, go OUTSIDE (it's ok, it's only sun, it won't hurt... go ahead you little go-getter you, get on out there) and plant yourself your own little green patch, with flowers you can actually smell. And perhaps after you could go to an actual, real-life bar and buy someone a real-life shot of tequila. Perhaps have actual human contact and/ or conversation... go ahead, get crazy with your bad self! And no, going to a bar online with your other SIMS buddies doesn't count, I don't care how many LMFAO moments you've had with "ImAtooL877" and "sociallyAwkward34". Get out of your computer's ass and have a life. Just be sure to update your status with something really witty about how much fun you’re have and take lots of drunken pictures you can post to show the world how much fun you are and your future Mother-In-Law what a fine, sloppy choice you were for her son.