Friday, May 1, 2009

Bizspeak

“Our business needs to grab the low-hanging fruit.”
“Take that idea off-line and put it in the parking lot.”
"Let's have a meeting to blue-sky that idea."
“We need more bandwidth to support the hockey stick on the home page.”
“Schedule a meeting next week for a masterminding session on monetizing our site.”
"How can we get to yes?"

Um, are you developing a new language? You should know that the only cool language to invent is pirate speak, matey.*

If you insist on talking nonsense in a bid to sound like you know what you’re doing, I’m going to have to take out my Franklin Planner and beat you, restructuring content without boundaries from the top down. Oh, you want to brand yourself, you say? Pull down your flat-front trousers so I can go old-media on your ass and brand you with a red-hot poker.

I’m just trying to be proactive.

What phrases make you want to beat your co-workers with their Blackberries?

* For a cool take on your Facebook page, go to the bottom left-hand corner of your page, click on “English (US)” and then you can switch things over by selecting “English (Pirate).” See what happens. Aaarggghh.

(photo: management-skills-development.com)

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

i love this! i get so tired of hearing corporate jargon!

Anonymous said...

The Win-Win. I hate that term.

Cameron said...

My peeves are mostly day-of-the-week related: "Someone's got a case of the Mondays", "It's Hump Day everyone!", "Happy Friday!" Though this is not "Bizspeak" per se, it is a part of the casual work environment that makes me want to die from the overexertion caused by excessive punching.

RebeccaD. said...

I'm sorry, I can't comment right now because I'm out of pocket, but I'll run this up the flagpole and see what shakes out. This isn't push-back, I'm happy to own this project; I just need some time to gather my deliverables.

Boo ya!

DaddyGregor said...

I'm feeling some synergistic leveraging of this with some concepts from within my shop. Let's throw it over the wall a few times, and kick the can around the playground a bit, and then throw it against the wall and see what sticks. Then we can maximize our potential upside and our happiness vectors concurrently.

Anonymous said...

how about "get your unfair share of the pie"

KlevaBich said...

I also go all Hulk-like at "growing your business," although I'm probably outnumbered on that one.

And isn't that Facebook feature a hoot?

noraolsen said...

OMG. I hate the term "offline". Hate.

Jennifer said...

I had a boss once who, in all seriousness, would talk about gathering "the low-flying fruit."

Laura McCarty said...

Let's pow-wow about it. We'll get all the details hammered out, fleshed out, and flushed out.

CarlaCarlaCarlaCarla said...

You don't like the hockey stick on my home page? But I learned it all from Web Pages That Suck.

Chris said...

oh
you rock incredible.

green light yourself, baby.

Anonymous said...

Let's throw it out there and see what sticks, thanks for reaching out,Let's ensure we are best-in class, and the absolute worst: Open Kimino.

Anonymous said...

Uh, yeah... What's the net:net from your conversation?

Anonymous said...

Using transition as a verb. Cannot stand that!

Some ppl still throw "do" around too as in do a meeting, do lunch...

Think outside the box...

and I've always hated "time frame." It just sounds so stupid to me.

BT said...

Something I wrote in response to the growing number of otherwise smart people speaking more and more like this—

I"While in the run-up to transitioning in this phase of right-sizing and redeployment, we still need to—at the end of the day—drill down and make sure that our mission-critical, goal-oriented core competencies are in alignment and on the same page as the most current best-practices paradigm. While we as a customer-centric longtail company are still on the runway, we need to each firewall enough time to allow out-of-the-box thinking and strategize the low-hanging fruit in the marketplace. Envisioning the metrics here will require accountability management on each team member to come up with a value-added solution that doesn’t require putting out fires or a lot of bandwidth. Bottom line? The truth is we have to step up, work smarter, not harder, and create a Web 2.0 solution. This is an exciting model for limitless potential and mutually agreed synergies!

"I’ve got an open door policy, so touch base and keep me in the loop. If we can move forward and proactively get on the same page about this, it’ll be a win-win-win. Remember: our people make the difference. "

RW said...

Fairly tame compared to some of the rubbish jargon that has been posted on here, but

why do some people insist on calling a problem 'an issue' ?

An issue is a subject to be considered or discussed; a problem is something wrong - not the same.

'Going forward' means 'from now' surely also.

Just a couple of my bizspeak hates

suzanah said...

"AWESOME"