Thursday, May 28, 2009

Camille's list

To get your juices flowing for your Punch Bowl entry (due tomorrow!), I thought I'd share a list of things my friend Camille wants to punch in the puss. After a "craft night" at my place (which basically translates into lots of wine and reruns of What Not to Wear) where we brainstormed TIWTPITF ideas, she sent me an e-mail the following morning. This is her unedited list that I suspect was fueled by ire and caffeine. As you can see, punch-worthy items are all around us. By the way, I love Camille.
  • Dumb-ass kid shows like Thomas the Stupid-Fucking Train
  • People who don't call you back
  • Proprietors who ignore you when you go into their store, like they're doing you a favor
  • Government bureaucracy
  • Being on hold for 15 minutes then having the phone tree hang up on you
  • Paying bills
  • People who park too close to my door so I can't open the goddamn door
  • The fucking gray Seattle winters
  • Running out of material while I'm in the middle of a craft project (no wire, no metal)
  • Paying taxes
  • People who let you know how smart they are
  • Ivy league graduates because they usually tell you that they went to Stanford, Harvard, Yale, etc.
  • Rich people who complain about having to go to Aspen, or some other hoitie toitie expensive place that normal people can't afford
  • Rich people in general
  • Inconsiderate people
  • Vegetarians who look down their noses at us meat-atarians
  • Stupid ass mothers who potty train at 2 years by using some new age bullshit called Elimination Communication—yeah right!
  • Same stupid-ass mothers who then brag about using Elimination Communication
  • New agey parents
  • Political correctness
  • NIMBY-ism
  • Anti-growth advocates (excuse me, cities are meant to grow and become dense with population, that's why it's a city, dumb ass)
  • Nosy, creepy neighbors
  • Prices continue to rise and/or stay high while the economy tanks, come on—give us a good sale
  • 400-dollar sunglasses
  • Snotty Sephora makeup girls
  • People who don't swear
  • Happy people (there's something seriously wrong with these types of people)
  • People who dis coffee (coffee is my God and I worship my God daily)
  • Heavy doors that you have to push with all your strength to open
  • Bottled water (what the hell ever happened to water fountains? I never thought I'd pay for water)
  • Oxygen bars
  • People who don't take the Lord's name in vain
  • Losing a sock
  • People who don't like bacon
  • Seattleites in general who harbor some passive aggressive "I'm cool because I recycle/don't smoke/do yoga/hike" resentment towards normal people
  • Discrimination against smokers (let them ruin their lungs and skin in peace for God's sakes)


KlevaBich said...

Wow, Camille is my kinda girl! Wish I still lived up north, I'd BEG for an invite to "craft night."

Chris said...

MY GOD, this is good!
I already sent mine in, but I could do several more by stealing some of these ideas. I did realize after sending it, that mine is not in keeping with the general smackdown. I think I wrote more of a story type thing.
I think I'll take Camille's stuff and whack it around.

Because, basically, I'm bored out of my mind today.

Anonymous said...

I love the "Anti-growth advocates (excuse me, cities are meant to grow and become dense with population, that's why it's a city, dumb ass)" TIWTPITF suggestion. It should be elaborated on. I feel that the "Friends of Spokane Valley" movement has been started for this very reason. Google "Dis-incorporate the Valley Now" and read all of their made up, unsupported data. I liken it to Y2K. You know there is no way in hell it's EVER going to happen, but you can't help but wonder what it would be like to watch the Chaos let loose by such a catasrtophic event. Ponderously delicious...

Anonymous said...

Thomas is a stupid fucking train. I'd like to punch both him and Sir Topham Hatt in the face. Wait, I would punch Sir Topham Hatt in the gut, actually. Fatass.
And, I was just in a store yesterday, had a pile of clothes in my arms I wanted to try on, and not ONE salesperson offered to take my stuff. I should've run out of the store with it all, dammit.

Anonymous said...

Jennifer, I am unable to email you my Punch Bowl submission (my computer wants to launch Outlook when I click on your link, I don't use Outlook, blah blah). Can you send me your email address to Thanks!

Yet Another Steve said...

"People who park too close to my door so I can't open the goddamn door."

Agreed, with the caveat that people who park over the edge of their spot and into the next one (whether through piggishness or just incompetence) should be so tightly parked in on BOTH sides that they have to enter their car through the sunroof.

Rene said...

fuckin' A sister.