Cha-Ka

What on earth—or an alternate-reality earth—are you? The missing link? Sleestak-australopithecine love child? Unwaxed bonus Jonas? Sid and Marty Kroff were tokin’ some seriously wacky tabacky when they dreamed you up. Dude, you give Bigfoot night terrors.

This Creature from the Whack Lagoon needs to get lost. There’s a reason the Land of the Lost is LOST. It’s lame. With residents like Cha-Ka, the place is too stupid to find itself.

Rather than punching your low overhang and letting you off easy, I’m sending you to an esthetician for a full-body wax (that includes your glam rock mullet). Next, you're off to a plastic surgeon who will shave down that brow ridge. And then it’s back down river in an inflatable raft for you. Back on the Island of Misfit Boys, find a source of calcium, stand up straight, and work on your posture, you knuckle-dragging biped. If I see you hunching over or falling down on the grooming front again, I’m pulling the Sleestak out of the pylons and away from their precious fucking crystals and siccing them on your hairy ass. I bet they have a few ideas on how to depilate your bum.

(P.S. Is it just me, or does Cha-Ka look like Clint Howard?)
(P.P.S. Are you as excited as I am for the new Land of the Lost movie with Will Ferrell?)

(photo: http://www.horrorremix.com)