Monday, May 25, 2009

Coffee snobs

I’m a coffee pussy, I'm the first to admit. But when I’m forking over good coin for my grande decaf Americano (with room, if you please), I’d really like it if the barista didn’t coat me with disdain. I once ordered a nonfat decaf latte, and the baristickupherassta snidely informed me that this particular drink is called a “why bother.” As I added my three packets of raw sugar, I thought that maybe I should have bothered to jump behind the counter and whack her upside the head with my metal thermos.

It’s not just espresso-stand employees who give me guff. I also take shit from my more cultured friends who seek out beans picked by virgins in the most remote mountain regions of Central and South America and then home roast them, pulling them out at exactly the right moment after the second crack.

Dude, you have your form of crack and I have mine. You’re addicted to caffeinated coffee that costs $20 a pound. I’m addicted to MAC Viva Glam V Lipglass. Potayto, potahto.

If you insist on giving me the java jeer, I’ll have no choice but to give in and order up a cup of black coffee. After a horrifying sip, I decide you’ll enjoy this a whole lot more than me so I’m going to throw it in your jittery Starfucks face.

Just say espressno.



Chris said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chris said...

Right ON. but holy cow! You have a metal thermos that you take to the shop? You know about Americanos, with room?! Dude, you are halfway there!

Did you know that if you get an Americano no water, it's got that perfect strong black coffee bite without adding an extra shot? Don't let them add water to that shit! Personally, I get iced Americanos with all ice, no water, then fill up the rest with the free nonfat milk from the carafe, which I must have so that the beverage doesn't coat the roof of my mouth with a slick patina of fat, and I get pure coffee goodness with less acid reflux.

Plus, Americanos are over a dollar cheaper.

I wouldn't say I'm a snob so much as, learning their language so I can work em.

(I didn't know I could get virgins to harvest my beans. Thanks!)

Chris said...

I accidentally posted that comment twice, so I deleted one of them. Sophisticated, I know...

Shawna said...

Wow. Just wow. I do not order mine decaf but yeah non-fat with sugar free syurp, and these people look at me like I'm lost. Sorry, I'm not willing to have a size 42 ass over my morning coffee, thanks. I have a hard enough time staying at a 10. Don't get cranky with me over MY coffee, you WORK here!

Sarah ( said...

I went into a Starbucks ONCE. That was more than enough for me. The hate waves were rolling off the skinny little emo-barista-dude with the oh-so-trendy nautical-star tats and faux hawk.

Up yours, dude. I asked for the hot chocolate, which is ON THE MENU ABOVE YOUR HEAD. It's not like I walked into a Starschmucks and asked for a three-piece chicken meal with a jumbo-sized Dr Pepper.

Excuse ME for not liking coffee, and excuse YOU for being the only place in that entire area to get any nice, hot drink besides my own urine (which, incidentally, would have tasted better than that hot chocolate, I'm sure).

Kayla said...

I am a coffee barista myself but thank goodness I don't work at Starbucks. I mean, you're going to find those types of baristas at almost any shop I guess, but something about working at Starbucks gives its employees a different mentality. I try to avoid going there because nine times out of ten the person at the counter has that "fake nice" thing going on... and the barista looks miserable. I have a pretty difficult environment to work in. I work inside a hospital. A complete shop yes, not a cart. I get all types of people coming in, and most of them are going through a very difficult time. So I am happy to make them that soy, sugar-free hazelnut, three-shot, iced latte because I know that at least that will soothe them in some way. I like knowing I can make something for someone to enjoy when things for them aren't going so well. It is very difficult for me to let any sort of attitude out or to bring my bad day to work with me, because these people are going through much worse.

I will say though... when I have people who work at the hospital coming in at 8:58pm when they know we close at 9, ordering four-five blended drinks. That will get to me no problem.

Monkey said...

Just a coffee please. Hold the ridiculous bullcrap. Thanks.

What they have in Starbucks in no way resembles coffee.Coffee is a black, bitter drink served in a cup, yeah?

What it's *not* is a $20 bucket of doublehalf mochahokey with shaved (not crushed) ice, an eggplant twist, freshest puppysmell syrup, three olives, whipped cream, fair trade sprinkles, a paper umbrella (better be yellow or I'll go elsewhere), hand-squeezed rainwater and the soy on the side.


Tommy said...

Yuck! Coffee is just boiled burned bean juice. Gross!

Tea is where it's at, man!

Anonymous said...

Charbucks makes shitty coffee. I love that McDonalds and Dunkin Donuts are kicking their ass in the market. I hope it gives those pretentious fucks some perspective.

Anonymous said...

Best dialog from "Role Miodels". Paul Rudd really pulled it off...

Danny: Can I get a large black coffee?

Barista: A what?

Danny: Large black coffee.

Barista: Do you mean a venti?

Danny: No, I mean a large.

Barista: Venti is large.

Danny: No, venti is twenty. Large is large. In fact, tall is large and grande is Spanish for large. Venti is the only one that doesn't mean large. It's also the only one that's Italian. Congratulations, you're stupid in three languages.

Barista: A venti is a large coffee.

Danny: Really? Says who? Fellini? Do you accept lira or is it all euros now?

Chris said...

hay, did you

wait, i spelled rong.

Hey, did you request to follow? Or is my Twit not working?

sheesh, I have enough to punch in the face without including my Twit account!!!

Jennifer Worick said...

I'm following you, according to my account...