We’ve put a man on the moon, created fabrics with UV protection. We’ve cloned a camel, for crying out loud. So I’m frankly puzzled as to why cushioned and supportive shoes invariably give you Frankenfeet. Bouncing along in personal flotation devices, you might feel fantastic but you look like you’ve been in a car accident, what with those casts encasing your hooves and all.
Dansko, Birkenstock, Clarks, Easy Spirit, earth shoes, and, ugh, Crocs—y’all are the red-headed stepchildren in my shoe wardrobe. You’re part of the foot family but should remain out of sight if you know what’s good for you. Soles are bulbous, footbeds stanky, and uppers rounded, wide, and clunky. Sensible with a side of suck, these travesties manage to look like clown shoes while simultaneously announcing that you’ve just given up.
If your designers can’t cook up a sleek approach to comfort and cushioning soon, I’m going to dig out my red Dansko clogs and inflict a bit of blunt force trauma. Did I just put my foot in your mouth?