When last I checked, umbrellas were supposed to be pulled out in the rain. And in Seattle, you never pull them out. We can spot a tourist a mile away…usually because of the giant golf umbrella protecting a bob from the gentle mist of the Northwest.
Umbrellas, in other words, are for wuss wagons (and the Wicked Witch of the West, natch).
So how much farther down the pansy-ass food chain do you fall when you pull out an umbrella on a sunny day? (FYI: This is a rhetorical question.)
You may not be aware of this but there’s this new invention. It is sort of an umbrella that fits on your head. It even frees up your hands! It’s called—wait for it—a hat. Genius, don’t you think? And if you miss your dumbershoot, you can get one of these.
Now I understand if you have a sun condition like those pale kids in The Others but if you’re a hipster in a vintage dress and a paper parasol, not only are you blocking my view of a beautiful day, you’re chapping my already-chafed thighs. I could lose an eye on a rainy day. I really don’t want to get poked by a spoke on a cloudless one. The eyepatch will leave a tan line.