Thursday, March 12, 2009

Year-round Christmas decorations


As we move into mid-March, we—like Julius Caesar before us—are tipped off to beware the Ides of March, but I think we need to keep an eye out for the real killer: Christmas shit that hasn’t been taken down.

The holidays are usually a disappointment so why prolong the agony well into the new year? Do you enjoy jacked-up electric bills? Do you get some sort of sick satisfaction by turning your house into a giant nightlight for your cul de sac? Does the Christmas spirit live within you and your candy cane cardigan 365 days a year? Are you simply a lazy fuck?

You took down the inflatable snow globe, you say? Shut your effin' elfin trap. You've still got a sleigh parked on the roof and a flocked tree peeking out of the picture window. You might as well stick a red-and-green sign in your front yard that says, "I deserve to get run over by a reindeer."

Whatever the case, let me spell it out: Strands of icicle lights, while I stomach them for a five-week period in November and December, are not mood lighting. Tinsel is not to be trifled with after the first week in January. Send the holiday sweaters packing (in mothballs). And above all, a Christmas tree, real or artificial, is not a houseplant. After the holidays, it's an eyesore.

If you let your figgy pudding freak flag fly year-round, here's how I'm going to join in your celebration. I'm going to repurpose the little drummer boy's snare drum and smash it over your head. I might grind up a little mistletoe and slip it into your eggnog. And if your house looks like Santa's workshop and crocuses are blooming outside, I'm going fill your stocking with lumps of coal and get Kris Kringle on your ass. Ho, ho, ho, motherfucker.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ho ho ho mo fo!

Tommy said...

I'd have to go with lazy fuck.

Yes, mine are still up. I was going to take them down last week, but then we had snow and they were so pretty.

Well, they were. But the real reason I didn't take them down is that I'm a lazy fuck.

Anonymous said...

Totally agree -- I hate Xmas enough without having to put up with it year-round! My neighbors never take their 'holiday' decorations down, and it really irks me...

Karnak said...

I've seen some churches that leave up their nativity sets until Easter, and I've seen a lot of houses that have their Christmas wreaths and garland displayed throughout the summer.