Friday, July 10, 2009

Celery

I pick around you in my stuffing and drink Bloody Marys despite you. I threw you up in kindergarten when you were slathered in peanut butter. Fuck you, ants on a log—I get car sick whether or not I’m in motion when this sorry snack crosses my path. I can’t put my finger on it but celery, you leave a bad taste in my mouth.

Yeah, I’ll admit that I've chopped you into a savory mirepoix but I cook the holy hell out of you to get rid of your stringy half-moon shape and texture.

Don’t even think about sassing me with your perky phallic shape.

I’m going to get jiggy with Mendel and create a hybrid that I can choke down. What do you think: celparagus? Celettuce? Curnip? Oh hell, who am I kidding? It's a waste of time to put lipstick on a pig and it sure as shit is a dead end trying to make celery into something palatable. Let's nip this problem in the bud. Rather than planting the world's celery seeds, let's grind them up with some salt and rim Bloody Marys ad infinitum.

(photo: timesonline.typepad.com/.../foreign_news/page/2/)

6 comments:

Cameron said...

I think that celery has tried very hard through evolution to become a plant that no one would ever eat. It has that odd shape. It has no flavor or nutritional value. It is comparable to eating a crunchy strand of yarn. Yet, we keep going back to it as foodstuff.

Laura said...

Where would chicken soup be without it.

Jennifer Worick said...

In my mouth.

KitKat AKA Katz said...

Im so glad you posted this, because I hate celery and people that I tell about this seems to always defend it and think there is something wrong with me. Good stuff.

Chris said...

this is one of the most delightful reads ever. i may have to copy this and claim i wrote it. just a head's up.

did you see that ants on a log is an 'orphan' article? oh, this whole thing has just tickled my pink all around.

in a manner of speaking.

Karnak said...

The only part of "ants on a log" I liked was picking off the chocolate chips and eating those. God help them if they put raisins on it instead...