Yeah, I’ll admit that I've chopped you into a savory mirepoix but I cook the holy hell out of you to get rid of your stringy half-moon shape and texture.
Don’t even think about sassing me with your perky phallic shape.
I’m going to get jiggy with Mendel and create a hybrid that I can choke down. What do you think: celparagus? Celettuce? Curnip? Oh hell, who am I kidding? It's a waste of time to put lipstick on a pig and it sure as shit is a dead end trying to make celery into something palatable. Let's nip this problem in the bud. Rather than planting the world's celery seeds, let's grind them up with some salt and rim Bloody Marys ad infinitum.