Friday, June 12, 2009

Starbucks drink orders

Cue the singsong voice: “So that’s a triple grande nonfat no-whip hazelnut latte? Is that right?”

Yeah, that’s what I said.

When I slink into a Starbucks and order up a large decaf single-shot Americano or a nonfat almond iced latte, do you really have to read it back to me in the correct, Starbucks-sanctioned order? Do I give a rat’s ass? Am I going to learn my mocha choka latte lesson next time?

Hells no.

It’s bad enough that I’m paying four bucks and downing a day’s worth of calories in my 20-ounce (i.e. venti) drink. Do you have to shame me as well? Isn’t slowly putting me in the red with your demon breakfast blend satisfying on its own? Why aren't you just content with making me tubby off of your blended fattuccino? Instead of writing N, D, or S/S on the side of the cup, try listing the minutes I need to work out at the gym to burn off my bevvie. That might be helpful.

If you keep correcting my Starbucksese, I’ll have no choice but to interpret them as fighting words and throw my double tall iced mocha in your face. Did I get that right?



Pobble said...

I'm torn. Everything you say is so true, but...

I know someone who works in a bookstore that shall remain nameless. There is a huge long list of things they are required to say. "Have you joined our book club? If you do, you'd get 15% off your purchase today. Would you like a bookmark? Do you need a bag? Paper or plastic? Would you like your receipt in the bag? You want fries with that?" etc. I don't know the list. She does, though.

She once neglected to specify exactly what percentage of the purchase a customer would get off their bill if they joined the book club. Horrors, I know. She might as well have ripped her clothes off and danced around the store screaming about how much she loved Satan. Such shocking behavior. Well, the next day she got called in and told off by the manager because this had been a secret shopper, and she got reported for neglecting to say "15%." There might have been a demotion involved, or a pay docking, or I don't know. Everything seemed to go red about then and I don't remember much about the next few minutes.

So while you're right and the practice of reading your order back to you is pretty dang annoying, remember that in most of the employees' minds there is a small gibbering wreck that used to be their spirits, and probably a pleading look in their eyes trying to convey, "Look, I hate this, you hate this, we all know it's stupid, but my manager is going to revue the CCTV footage tonight in his office for the mad rush of power it gives him and if I miss a single note in this refrain I will be washing his car with my tongue again this weekend, and if he's in a good mood he might let me use a toothbrush when I get to his leather driver's seat where he had that bout of diarrhea last week."

But if you'd like to hire a chainsaw and meet us at the corporate headquarters some day, that'd be peachy!

Sarah said...

I cannot agree with you more. This one asshole corrects me every time I order a "grande caramel light frappuccino" by saying, "How about a grande caramel frappuccino LIGHT?" in a mocking sort of way. Are they not the same damn thing? You just switched the order of the words.

Anyway, love this blog. :)

Unknown said...

Oh my, I've been catching up on this blog and every time I saw a Starbucks post, I felt so lucky that I hadn't encountered a snooty barista in all of my visits. Then last night, I stopped at Starbucks on my way home, ordered a grande nonfat hazelnut latte. And the barista repeated it in a different order! I did a double take. Now I'm wondering if this happens every time and I just didn't notice it until reading about it here or if this was my first snooty barista!

Does anyone actually know how to order Starbucks correctly? And why do I worry about this so much?

Jennifer Worick said...

There is a method to their madness. Apparently, it's just short of rocket science: