Monday, June 15, 2009

Makeover meltdowns

You’ve seen one of the shows: What Not to Wear. How Do I Look? America’s Next Top Model.

Chicks (and sometimes dudes) get a style makeover and then, to complete the transformation, they head to the hair chair.

Utter. Fucking. Meltdown.

All the gorgeous free clothes, pep talks, and newfound confidence fly out the window faster than you can say “split ends.” Some refuse to have their fried Crystal Gayle hair cut even an inch; others suffer silently, tears streaming down their face, while their Dynasty hair is transformed into something fashionable this side of the millennium. Others whine, complain, and can’t wait to hit their Hair Cuttery and get their ugly back.

I want to shove the cut locks down their goddamned throats. Last time I checked, hair grows back. Get over it. If you think your hair defines you, it probably does. And what it says is: This woman is hella-lame. Try losing your hair to cancer. You’re not dying. Suck it up: If you can’t cope with looking attractive, go home and get some ratty Jessica Simpson hair extensions and revert to your signature 1991 Dress Barn persona.

I don’t always take to an extreme haircut initially. But I squeeze and spray some styling product into what’s left, and rock the fuck out of my modern mullet. And I wait for it to grow out, like a big girl is supposed to do.

And don’t tell me that you can’t cut your hair because your man loves your long hair. Are you serious? Your dude will think that he’s cheating on you with a hot chick whose hair doesn't choke him during sex. And if a guy is turned off by a different hairstyle, your relationship has bigger problems than your bob.

Get a life. Get a hat.

(photo:—I'm not suggesting this little one has had a hair meltdown yet; clearly, she's never been on a makeover show.)


mduette said...

Oh, this made me laugh on so many levels...this one really sticks in my craw, too (who *says* that? I do, that's who).

Your last line should be a bumper sticker. Priceless :D

noraolsen said...

Awesome post! Those crazy hay-haired bitches need a wake up call punch in the face.

And ladies - if your boyfriend doesn't like your bob, you need to dump his mullet ass for a B.O.B.

KlevaBich said...

OMG. You must have watched the episode of "What Not to Wear" that revolved around that stupid woman from South Fork.

Jesus god, her hair looked like a bad leftover from the '80s that wouldn't look good on a 20-something beauty pageant contestant. Ol' what'shisname made her look SO much better, and she had the nerve to be upset? I wanted to punch her smack in the over-made-up face.

Do you KNOW what I would give to be able to go on that show and get the complete, top to bottom makeover? Just an hour with Carmindy and her magic makeup skills would be enough.

Ungrateful bastages. And as has been said, if your boyfriend won't like you just because you cut your hair? Seriously? Grab a clue.

Jennifer Worick said...

KlevaBich: It was that episode. While she didn't raise a stink, she just sat there and tried not to cry. I just can't believe that these women can't see how gorgeous they now look. She was single and said that men wouldn't find her attractive with the new hair. I lost it right then and there. If you feel attractive and confident, men will respond to that. But you have to work on yourself first. Please. I learned that from every romantic comedy that features a makeover montage.

Bishop said...

I saw that episode as well... what was her problem? The style Nick gave her was 1,000 times better than that horrible hair style she had. If I were Stacy and Clinton I would have told her to suck it up!

Darcey Howard said...

The term "Hair Brained" is more acurately defined by women that think that their hair defines them.

TaraFly said...

I would never agree to appear on a show that insists on throwing away my entire wardrobe, and reinventing me, because I'm not "cool" or "hip" enough for their audience.
If I wanted a make-over, I would accept help from a trusted pal... otherwise, if I look hideous to you? Good. >:) Deal with it.

Yet Another Steve said...

Yeah, some people just can't deal with a free $400 haircut. "But it doesn't look like the cut LaFreesiaWanda gives me at the Curl 'N Twirl!" they cry. And then everyone's too nice to say "Well hello, that's the whole fuckin' POINT!"

'Course, those are usually the same gals who defend their stained and torn sweats because they're COMFORTABLE and who CARES what other people think, apparently having already forgotten where they are and why they're there, which is about par for the course.