We already know that impossibly compact airport bathroom stalls are punchable (TIWTPITF, Feb. 11). Fast-food restaurants, gas stations and bars everywhere seem to be vying for top honors in some unspoken contemptible crapper contest. But even a five-star restaurant's roomy restroom or the luxurious loo at a squeaky-clean Starbucks might as well be a street-festival Port-O-Let on Sunday night if it doesn't have a decent roll of toilet paper!
Apparently there is a market for tightwad TP. But that cheap-ass, see-through excuse for a personal hygienic helper brings literal meaning to "crap that chaps my hide".
Is it really saving them that much money? In these tough economic times, I can think of much more effective cost-cutting measures. Although I'm not one of those guys who needs to pay for a second seat on Southwest, I'll use up half a roll of that pitiful parchment in one, er, sitting. But pamper me with some of that aloe-infused, huggably soft good stuff, and a few luxurious squares will do the job!
Are these stingy purveyors of paltry processed pulp afraid their customers will steal it to fortify their personal stashes at home? I'd be ashamed to get caught "decorating" my worst enemy's front-yard foliage with their vile vellum, much less foisting it on my own house guests! I've been unemployed for almost five months now, but if it ever comes down to buying bargain-brand asswipe or eating canned cat food, I'm shopping for Charmin and noshing on 9 Lives. Might be a little tough getting it down, but much more tolerable on the way out!
Sorry if I offend your incompetence with incontinence, but in this age of plasma televisions and iPod nanos, this is one area where thick trumps thin. So, while I'm reaching over to the hand-towel dispenser for something that can appreciate my high-fiber diet, I'll take a double punch at you, ribald roll of single-ply sandpaper! You'll wish you had some quilted softness to cushion your gossamer grimace from the Mr. Whipple-worthy whoop-ass I'm about to unleash!
This is from another Kevin, who always has an opinion and a funny comment about my posts.