Finally, I know what happened to Jimmy Hoffa, all those lost socks, and Lindsay Lohan’s acting career. They’re hidden in Joaquin Phoenix's facial forest.
I actually cringed when his own people turned on him, mocking his Letterman meltdown (see below) at the Academy Awards and the Independent Spirit Awards. This is an Oscar-nominated actor, folks! Don’t rip him a new one. Wake Rip Van Weenie from his somnambulant trance and throw him into rehab, therapy, or one-on-one rap lessons with Jay Z, another “retired” artist.
But first things first.
I don’t care if this is a hoax or a full-on psychotic break. Casey Affleck needs to put down the video camera, strap Bigfoot into a barber’s chair, and fucking mow that lawn. That’s what friends are for. If someone doesn't take care of this Chia Chump, I'm going to rototill that crop myself. Better yet, I'll grab some pruning shears and start shaping his fur into something befitting such a massive tool, say a large penis topiary.
(Photo: L.A. Times, Matt Sayles/Associated Press)