Monday, March 30, 2009

Carnations

My loathing of this wretched bloom probably started in high school, when cheerleaders would sell them as a fundraiser around Valentine’s Day and Homecoming. The more flowers you received from cupids who could do the splits, the more popular you clearly were. And the popular bitches would carry those stinky stalks around from class to class.

Let’s just say, I did not have a bouquet stuck out of my Trapper Keeper.

Now, I hate the crapass carnation for all new reasons. It stinks. You can often buy the dyed blue variety at gas stations. Classy. It fills in for better buds at funeral homes and the race track. As a boutonniere, it becomes a ball of blech.

Carnations are supposed to represent fascination and distinction. They can have the distinction of being the first flower to fascinate at my fist. The time is nigh to mulch these asshole flowers into a pulp. And after putting the petal to the metal of my rototiller, I am happy to report that I now only smell success.

Baby’s breath, you're on notice. If you know what's good for you, you'll steer clear.

(Photo: flowerstopetersburg.com)

6 comments:

Ashley said...

I'm pretty sure they used to use carnations in funerals because they smelled so strongly it's the only thing that would get rid of the "other" smells. I've always hated carnations too, and I can't look at them without thinking about them sitting next to a casket. Blech!

maedeans said...

A comment here with very little creativity. The fact that carnations stay alive longer than most fresh flowers and are cheap is all the appeal I can see for them. You make me sorry I ever considered including them in any way. Whatcha think about plain ole daisies?

Softflexgirl said...

I needed a good laugh today! Thank you!

Totally Tabletops the Blog said...

Jen! We have to agree to disagree on this one. Considering my post (http://www.totallytabletopsblog.com) and local fame Kelley Moore using carnations for her birthday dinner... maybe they're not as crapass as you think. ;)

alisten@mac.com said...

I wish you'd used the photo of a carnation cake. I got one of those once.

Chris said...

oh, that baby's breath has been asking for it for yeeeeers.