Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Sidewalk hogs

When people ask me if I’d rather have the superpower of invisibility or flight, I always go with flight.

Apparently, I’m already invisible.

At least, it seems that way when I’m strolling through my neighborhood and spy two or three chuckleheads walking toward me. Talking to each other, they don’t give up an INCH of space. They don’t acknowledge my existence. They wouldn’t know if I was tricked out in fetish gear or pointing a flamethrower directly at them. Even a fiendish mime would escape their attention. As these fuckers approach, it becomes a game of sidewalk chicken and I always lose. At the last minute, I veer out of their way, usually tripping into a tree bed or slamming into a building.

No, excuse me.

Far be it from me to interrupt, disturb, or derail you, you self-absorbed dickwads with crapass peripheral vision.

Let’s not forget about the strollers. The last time I walked around a nearby lake, I was dodging mommies and strollers who had greedily spread out across both the foot and wheel lanes. Believe me, I understand these gals' need to get some sun and girl talk during a walk. But let me tell you, they are tough mamas. Infantry units could have used these chicks on their front lines, as they never break formation. I could practically see the tumbleweed as I stared down a fence of Bugaboos and estrogen at high noon. Of course, I wound up looking like a total dick when I tried to break on through to the other side.

It’s time to take action! I’m staging a silent protest and I’m asking you to join me. When you encounter a line of people coming at you, stop. Stand still. Break their synchronized stride and make them flow around you. You can pick up the pace after these wastes of space walk on by. If they bump into you, well, I think you know what to do. You saw The Karate Kid.

Sweep the leg.

(Photo: friendshippoemsonline.com)

19 comments:

CarlaCarlaCarlaCarla said...

Well ex-CUUUUUUUUUSSE ...

MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Jessica C. said...

I am with you 100%.

PeterCook said...

You are a complete asshat.
Perhaps it would be for the best if you refrained from engaging in society.

MrsMarshall said...

PeterCook - don't you get it, she WANTS to engage in society, but all those other asshats are IN HER WAY!!!! Get a clue, man.

Sarah said...

I, too, hate sidewalk hogs. I was at the mall the other day and a couple were walking towards me on the wrong side. As they got closer, I refused to move. I simply stopped in my spot to let them pass me without running into me. The guy stop directly in front of me and stared me down, waiting for me to move. Oh hell no, I thought. I simply said "learn how to walk" and walked away. Sure he yelled something after me, but I didn't listen or care. I'm taking my sidewalk rights back.

Chris said...

I am only here to tell you that there's nothing to add to this. It has everything a total snark of art should have. fuckin A.

Chris said...

oooh.. I love how 'peter cook' doesn't have contact info. hehe.

Laura McCarty said...

See also: Grocery store aisle hoggers.

Loralynn said...

Here, here! I am totally with you on this! I agree, lets all just stop and make them go around!

Columbia Lily said...

hmmmm....I know exactly what lake you are referring to.....and it is SO TRUE.

Anonymous said...

Absolutely!!! I'm happy to shift a bit, but if they are not willing to on their end I smash into their arm...yep, you read me right...knock right into them & keep going.

Anonymous said...

This drives me nuts too! I have been stopping for years and people give me really strange looks, but it makes me feel in control! Great post,

Peter Cook bite me.

Anonymous said...

I am sooooo with you on this!

SheBakesCakes said...

Girl, I started in with the standstill standoff last fall. I find it assertive without being crazy-aggro. To quote Glen Close playing Alex in Fatal Attraction: I will not be IGNORED!

Jessica said...

YES! I'm so glad I'm not alone. My favorite is when you're on an extra wide sidewalk and two or three people manage to space themselves out perfectly so they take up the whole thing when they could just as easily leave room. Jerkfaces.

SkitzoLeezra said...

Yeah, that drives me nuts and I adopted the not-gonna-swerve tact while pretending that I don't see them approaching. Then when THEY run into ME, I give them a shove and tell them to watch where they're going. It's my own little private fight club. And I have already said too much.

joannieg said...

I too employ the stopping technique that requires the offender to go around me and realize they’re in the way, or they get as far as running into me and then apologizing. On a recent trip to Disney World, I used various “sidewalk hog” defensive strategies to split groups/families of sidewalk hogs and it actually became a fun game for me! And I can’t say I didn’t drop a shoulder into an unaware, meandering sidewalk hog or two at the “happiest place on Earth”.

Anonymous said...

This happened to me 5 minutes ago. A guy and his girlfriend walked past me. They expected me to get off the sidewalk. I can't do that. A brushed right passed her and shoved her. Her boyfriend started swearing to me in a different language. So I told him to fuck off!! At least swear to me in english. Do you guys think I did the right thing. People are going to take advantage of others if we don't do anything about it.

Anonymous said...

I hate it when a couple of stupid ass-clowns keep walking side by side taking up the whole isle and no way to get around them. I have been known to clip their heels with my cart. That gets them the fuck out of the way.